Blogs

[#1]

Beth started her chemotherapy the first week of January, 2013.  The first two drugs they tried were Carboplatin and Taxol.  The treatments usually took anywhere between 4-6 hours, so we turned chemo days into “dates” looking forward to our chocolate croissants and tomato basil soup.  Some of our chemo days were very long but the time was short.

The first combination of drugs took their toll on Beth physically and emotionally.  If she had treatment on Thursday it would usually start to hit her by Friday night.  She would be wiped out all weekend and by the end of the day on Monday she would start to feel like herself again.  It was so hard to watch her suffer from nausea, vomiting and aches and pains but we both thought it was well worth it to keep her tumors in check.  The good news was she only had to do it once every three weeks.

It wasn’t long before Beth noticed her hair was falling out.  I remember how hard this was for her.  She told me that when she came out of the shower and started brushing her hair that she would just see clumps of hair on the brush.  One day she decided to take control.  She told me she drove back and forth past the salon a few times before she went in and just told the stylist to “buzz it off.”  She told me, “It felt empowering in a way Cakies!” I told her she looked absolutely beautiful and I really meant it.  Beth’s beauty emanated from deep inside her and losing her hair did not diminish that beauty one little bit.

We did these treatments for over five months.  In early June of 2013, they did a cat scan to see if the treatments were working.  We had a vacation planned from June 15-22^nd in Stone Harbor, New Jersey.  Kirstyn’s father-in-law, Ed, found a good deal on a six-bedroom house that was a half block from the beach.  We were excited to spend a relaxing week on the Jersey shore with Jeff’s (Kirstyn’s husband) family and ours.  They did Beth’s scan on Tuesday, June 11th and we were both kind of hoping we wouldn’t get the results until after we got back from the beach.

I’ll never forget when I got the call from Beth on Thursday afternoon, June 13^th.  She was crying and she told me that the chemo didn’t work.  I asked, “what do you mean it didn’t work?”  She told me that her largest tumors had actually grown during the treatment.  I tried to encourage her; I told her God had this all under control, but as I hung up the phone I felt like I had been hit in the head by a sledge hammer.  I was “in a fog” the rest of the day at work.  Fortunately, I wasn’t scheduled to go on air that day, because I don’t think I would have been able to go in front of the camera and pretend everything was ok.  When I got home that night we prayed and asked God to give us peace and we asked for Him to give her doctors wisdom for the next course of action.  When we went to bed that night we were both concerned but determined that we were going to have a great week at the beach.

Kirstyn’s mother-in-law, Nancy, was being ordained as a minister that Saturday morning, so I attended the ceremony in downtown Philadelphia.  My assignment was to drive my three-year-old grandson, Cole Daniel, down to the beach afterward.  That seemed like an easy task until I tried to get onto the bridge from Philadelphia into New Jersey only to be greeted by a sign that simply said, “bridge closed.”  I was always told that when God closes a door there is usually a window to climb through, but I wasn’t sure what to do with a closed bridge.  I called a friend who took that bridge home from work hoping he could give me some directions.  His name is Tommy and he is a well- known radio personality in Philadelphia.  Tommy didn’t know what to tell me because he said that bridge is never closed.  After I hung up Cole asked me, “What did Tommy say Papa?”  The way he asked was so cute. I told him that Tommy wasn’t sure but not to worry because Papa had his GPS navigation system that he had purchased from QVC.  I then decided to put on Cole’s Veggie Tales cd so we could sing and have some fun.  I was going to relax and trust the Lord to help us find our way safely and I didn’t want him to be worry.  As I was listening to Cole’s cd of Christian songs I thought about the journey that Beth and I were on in our fight against cancer.  I thanked the Lord that He was behind the wheel on that journey and not me.  He knew exactly the way we needed to go.  Cole and I finally arrived in Stone Harbor about four hours later, on a trip which should have taken only two and a half hours. We were later than expected, but we were grateful to be safe.

Beth and Kelsey were already at the house when I arrived and they both seemed to be in pretty good moods.  The house was beautiful and we were all ready to have some fun. 

Kirstyn was about five months pregnant at the time and she decided that it would be fun if we all discovered if she was having a boy or girl together at the beach.  She had a doctor’s visit earlier in the week and instructed the doctor to put her ultra sound results in a sealed envelope.  She then gave the sealed envelope to her best friend along with a stuffed bear and one blue outfit and one pink outfit.  She was to dress the bear in the appropriate colored-outfit and wrap it up.  Cole was going to open it in front of the family that first night of vacation.

Her friend, Becky, decided to have some fun of her own, so she placed the bear inside a box and wrapped it up.  She then put that inside another box and wrapped it up, etc.  I think we watched Cole open six or seven boxes until we got to the bear dressed in a blue outfit that said, “World’s Best Big Brother.”  It really made for a fun evening.  We had cake and celebrated that a new life was coming into the world.  I remember praying that night that Beth would be around to enjoy the new baby.

The next morning I walked into the kitchen to get my morning coffee.  Ed and Nancy, (Kirstyn’s in-laws), were the only other ones up.  As I got my coffee Ed asked me how I was holding up.  I don’t know why but I just broke down emotionally and had a good cry.  I told them I was worried because after five months of chemo treatments Beth’s tumors grew.  While my faith in God remained strong I remember thinking, “What if Beth doesn’t make it?  What if God chooses to take her to heaven?”  Those thoughts were overwhelming and for about an hour I was gripped by fear.  Have you ever been there?  It is not a good place to be.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is found in I John 4:18.  The New International version reads, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear.”  I knew that God’s love for Beth and me was perfect.  So I decided that day in Stone Harbor, New Jersey that I was going to love Beth with all that I had for as long as God let her be here on this earth.  She certainly had always loved me that way.  I didn’t know what the future held but I knew who held the future.   As it turned out, Beth had two years and four months left on earth.  Every day was precious.  Please try to always remember this and don’t waste time being filled with anger, hurt or envy.  Fill yourself and every day with all the love you have.  And please remember, when times are tough those are the days that may seem long but the time is short. 

God bless,

Dan

If you would like to read any of my other blogs you can see them here and you can keep up with my day to day happenings via my Face Book page here.