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Super Contributor
Posts: 479
Registered: ‎06-09-2011

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

THANK YOU SO MUCH LADIES for sharing your experiences! I completely agree that I don't want her to feel in any way that I am going to treat her any differently than the amazing person she already is and I don't want her to feel like this now defines her so my thought was to just drop things by her doorstep...not ringing her bell, not emailing or calling....but rather let her set the communication she may or may not want. Just want her to know I'm there should she need it and love her!

I know I would be the person who would have many days where I wouldn't want to answer the door or talk. I have heard from many before that it can be hard with this diagnosis feeling like you need to set everyone else at ease with YOUR diagnosis and I don't want that....so my thought was to just silently send some love.

I love the happy jar. I know I would have many funny tidbits and photos to put in for her.

This is the first time I have experienced a close personal friend going through this and my DH and I did wait until we left her home today to cry. My DH said that her DH expressed fear since there are kids involved, etc. And now tonight for some reason I feel so angry!! I hate knowing that this she is going through this. It sure puts perspective on some of the trivial complaints you may have about life.

Thank you again! I plan to really use your advise!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,160
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

My brother spoke of dehydration, but he couldn't swallow. Would ice chips help at all? He was weak and would pass out when he stood, so I wonder about little bits of broth. Some but not too much. He had trouble keeping food down, so I'm thinking something in this area. He passed on the tube to body, and made it through ok, but I wonder about this area..

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,973
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

Some more thoughts. Dehydration was a big problem for me-I had some kidney damage from it. Drinking was more important than food, but I had to struggle to make myself drink.

When I went in for treatments: They put you in a recliner, they have a blanket warmer with wonderful warm blankets, but they are heavy. They had to give me 5 different meds before the chemo began. The IV Benadryl makes you fall asleep, but it gave me painful leg twitches. The decadron got me so wired, I could never sleep after I got home, even though I was so tired. I had to go back the next day for a Neulasta shot.

The oncology center has TVs, magazines, coffee, snacks. Mine had brochures about cancer, and a basket of knitted turbans-help yourself!

They told me to wear comfortable clothes, (smart), reading material, music, lunch, etc.

With all this going on, I had a seroma from my mastectomy, and I had to see the surgeon weekly to have it drained. I absolutely could not drive myself and could barely make it to the office from the car.

One thing that someone gave me was a prayer shawl. It was a crocheted lap robe from her church. It had a St. Francis medal tied to it. The ladies at the church would make them, and the priest blessed them. That gave me great comfort.

I also wanted to mention that if your friend does suffer from fatigue, and if she has pets-please help look after them. Food/water/litter pans/walks, etc. Chemo has a profound affect on pets. Mommy will be going somewhere new, and as the chemo is metabolized-she will start to smell and act differently. It's scary for pets,(and family).

Chemo is not for sissies. Please try to anticipate her real needs. Bless you and your friend.

Someone mentioned that her family, (DH?) will need support, too. It's hard on everyone.

Super Contributor
Posts: 287
Registered: ‎04-13-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

On 2/1/2014 10grands said:

First of all - I am glad you are concerned and want to be helpful to your friend, but please let her set the pace. Is she having radiation or chemo, perhaps both, but probably not at the same time. Often patients have series of chemo followed by series of radiation or vice-versa.

The very first treatment is traumatic since you are not sure what to expect - I am thinking that the first day after treatment she might just wish to relax and be quiet. What others have mentioned is true - some foods might just not appeal to her. When I was going through chemo even though they give you things for nausea, etc., food just did not appeal to me and I ate mostly bland foods - actually I ate vanilla ice cream and peaches for many meals.

Maybe take some magazines a couple days ahead of her treatment, she can pick and choose what and if she wishes to take them with her. All treatments are different, some chemo treatments are not very long and others are several hours - depending on the type. The personnel in the departments are very kind and understanding.

I think the most important thing is to be a good friend, if she wants to talk about it - listen, but sometimes it is good to be able to concentrate on something else for a few hours or minutes even. Being a good friend is so much more important than any gift you could give her.

Be ready when she does ask for something. So many times, people are enthusiastic about helping when first finding out and they disappear during the course of treatment, which in some cases can be six months or even longer! Let her know you will be there throughout however she needs you to be.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 500
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

I don't know if this has been suggested but I know it is something I would appreciate if I were fairly ill - take care of her pets for her (if she has any). Walk her dog, clean the kitty litter, feed them all, change cages if there are any, etc. I don't know if she is alone but, if she is, these are the kinds of things that are not only difficult to do when sick but you also feel twice as bad about not doing them because your beloved pets suffer. Best wishes to her!

Valued Contributor
Posts: 891
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

I am a cancer survivor, and one of the best things I did was to join a support group as soon as I was diagnosed. So many people are resistant to joining a group and try to tough it out alone. I am still in my breast cancer support group, and I'm one of the veterans who are helping others through the initial shock of diagnosis and their treatment. Support and counseling are very important because so many times for one reason or another survivors can't get the support they need from family and friends, unfortunately mainly because of ignorance and fear.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,482
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

This is my best gift giving suggestion but people seldom take it. ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS OR NEEDS and do ONLY THAT. If she says NOTHING, do or give her nothing. Also, why not offer to do some laundry or dust or sweep, load the dishwasher.

Super Contributor
Posts: 280
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

My BFF had cancer for about 8 years....I let her take the lead on what she needed from me. We were such good friends that we almost had ESP and a comfortable we both knew what each needed in our relationship. Anyway, I made her favorite food when she could eat, I drove and sat with her during treatments, I would take her the special skin care she loved. And we would talk on the phone for hours...she would never have a thing to do with electronics and losing physical touch with anyone. We would talk so long, I would say " ok we've talked enough about cancer, let's talk about me!" She was MY rock and I was hers. Her husband called me near the end and told me to come. I spent the last day with her and even then we talked about my nail polish and my flip flops....it was the dearest time I've ever spent with anyone. We said goodbye and she said "don't you dare cry!" And I didn't. I said all that to say this, just BE the best friend you can based on the relationship you have now!
Occasional Contributor
Posts: 19
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

AliceBlue gave you the best advice, my best friend had cancer and when she told me the first thing she said was "Please just be you" she needed me to be the same to keep her life "normal" and I did just that! We laughed, cried, were very naughty at times but never changed and she survived, is more beautiful than ever and I am so thankful for everything that she taught me. Ask her what she needs and she will tell you!
Frequent Contributor
Posts: 79
Registered: ‎12-17-2012

Re: Please help with ideas...my friend just told us she has cancer today.

As a cancer survivor myself, I'm quite sensitive to learn of a friend/loved one's cancer diagnosis.

I make "gift bags" of small quantities of every type of candy mint I can find....put them all into a basket, and give them, as "ENCOURAGE-mints". I've been told that they are well appreciated because they are unique, and thoughtful.