Beauty

[Perkup]

My situation is similar to the OP. DH and I were both widowed and married eight years ago. I have four children, 12 grandchildren and l & 1/2 great. He has two children, 11 grands and 7 great grands. There was never any issue with my children and grands - they all call him by his first name and they all seem to genuinely love him, not as a father, but as a respected older person in their lives. This is good.

When I first began to meet his grands, I made it clear to each of them individually, that I would always think of them as my bonus grandchildren, and the same for his great grands. I also assured them that they were free to think of me in any way they chose, and to call me whatever they felt comfortable with. It has worked out well, and so far, no bumps in the road. All of them call me by my first name, and I am very comfy with that.

You can't tell someone how to feel about you or what to call you. Just let nature take its course and accept each one of those "new" relatives as they come to you.

[Sooner]

On 10/22/2014 Madisson said:

You would be considered their Step Grandmother. I have a friend in that situation, her step grandchildren call her "Grandma Mary."

Out of respect for your husband's sons, I would also ask them what they would like their children to call you. Maybe they will just say "Mary" if there are bad feelings between you. That would show a lack of respect on their part, but I would try to make and keep peace in whatever way you can.

No you can't say that is lack of respect! Even growing up a long time ago we never (on both sides of the family) said "aunt" or "uncle" before someone's name. We just used their first name and that was the common thing both sides--all the cousins. There was NO lack of respect intended or thought of. It's just the way those families handled the name thing.

My hubby's family always says "aunt" or "uncle" before the name and that always sounds odd to me. Yes, we know they are aunts and uncles! Stop saying it! LOL!!! And thinking about all of that, my blood aunts and uncles and married-in ones were no different at all to me. Never were.

[Perkup]

On 10/22/2014 Sooner said:

On 10/22/2014 Madisson said:

You would be considered their Step Grandmother. I have a friend in that situation, her step grandchildren call her "Grandma Mary."

Out of respect for your husband's sons, I would also ask them what they would like their children to call you. Maybe they will just say "Mary" if there are bad feelings between you. That would show a lack of respect on their part, but I would try to make and keep peace in whatever way you can.

No you can't say that is lack of respect! Even growing up a long time ago we never (on both sides of the family) said "aunt" or "uncle" before someone's name. We just used their first name and that was the common thing both sides--all the cousins. There was NO lack of respect intended or thought of. It's just the way those families handled the name thing.

My hubby's family always says "aunt" or "uncle" before the name and that always sounds odd to me. Yes, we know they are aunts and uncles! Stop saying it! LOL!!! And thinking about all of that, my blood aunts and uncles and married-in ones were no different at all to me. Never were.

Well, I don't know where you grew up, or how, but I do know that I haves always called my aunts and uncles using their title before their name. I had Aunt Sally, Aunt Lili, Uncle Calvin, Aunt Ida, Aunt Gladys, Uncle Charles. And so on. It was the same for everyone I knew. Everyone in my circle of friends through the years did the same. I don't know if it was meant to be a sign of respect or an acknowledgement of their relationship, but it was the custom then and to the best of my knowledge, it still is. My children use the terms, as do their children.

[violann]

On 10/21/2014 turtle52 said:

On 10/21/2014 sciencegeek said:

PLEASE consider them your grandchildren. If you don't, you'll end up favoring the children of your sons over those of the stepsons. And believe me, they'll notice it. No child should ever be made to feel second class inside a loving family.

Thanks for answering my question. I WANT to consider them my grandchildren. I just want to be sure that it's appropriate.

Hi turtle- so glad you were happy with tthis answer. My sons don't have children yet, but their wives are aunties to their brothers' and sisters' children, and I even consider those little ones to be my grandchildren in law, which I KNOW isn't true, but I love 'em all anyway. I think you're definitely on the right track!

[brandiwine]

How about just using your first name? You can give and receive love without hurting the "real" grandma. We had a step in the family that tried to be the grandma and it was a disaster. The parents final had to tell her if she continued to be disrespectful, she would have no contact with their child.

[nailmaven]

I think it depends on what the adult children want. My husband's children were taught by their mother that I'm not their mother and all the stuff that goes with that. Now that they have children, although the children call me Grandma _________ it doesn't go over well with the parent of those children. Hopefully you'll be in a situation much better than mine. From what you said, it sounds like it will be fine.