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Valued Contributor
Posts: 668
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

Darling, it is your motherly DUTY to tell her, but I believe you can do it in a very gentle way.  Put it on the dress, for example.." this dress does nothing to show off your beautiful neckline". WHy would anybody crucify for asking this, that seems horribly unbalanced? I tell my son when things dont look right, I think he appreciates having honest feedback, but I am careful too..

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,458
Registered: ‎06-08-2012

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?


@suzyQ3 wrote:

@sailor moon wrote:

If you choose your words carefully, you can let your daughter know how unflattering the dress looks on her; or better yet, stand her in front of a, full length, mirror so she can see what everyone else sees.


That sounds like something a Mommie Dearest would do.


Stacy and Clinton did something similar on What not to Wear.

☀️...And I think to myself what a Wenderful world.☀️
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Posts: 3,495
Registered: ‎05-03-2014

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

Hello, juncus and welcome. Smiley Happy

 

 

Don't worry, you're not being a mean mom. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on this one. But you're a good mama. Smiley Happy

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Posts: 100
Registered: ‎03-17-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

THANK YOU, ALL!  I truly do appreciate all of the responses and have read each one carefully (some of them a few times over).  It is clear that many of us can relate to both sides of the issue.  It was a very mixed bag of advice and opinions, which I found particularly interesting. 

 

What I think I am going to do is NOT say anything to her but take it upon myself to retire the dress.  It will not be hard to do since she is not even in the country at the moment -- she is doing study abroad in Europe.  She fully intended to take the dress with her to France, but I managed to talk her out of it with logical reasoning based on climate considerations, limited suitcase space and the overall practicality (or lack thereof) of taking that piece of clothing.

 

It will be easy for me to make the dress disappear -- although I am SURE she will be looking for it when she gets back home!  It really is time for that dress to go the way of the dodo.  She has been wearing it for a good 4-5 years or so, and the fabric (which is pretty cheap to begin with) is looking faded and worn.

 

 Who knows -- maybe she will come home from Europe with a new sense of style!

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 100
Registered: ‎03-17-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?


@blankette wrote:

Darling, it is your motherly DUTY to tell her, but I believe you can do it in a very gentle way.  Put it on the dress, for example.." this dress does nothing to show off your beautiful neckline". WHy would anybody crucify for asking this, that seems horribly unbalanced? I tell my son when things dont look right, I think he appreciates having honest feedback, but I am careful too..


 

To answer your question.....  I asked a somewhat similar question a year or so ago about whether or not I should express concern over my daughter's VERY rapid and worrisome 40-ish-pound weight gain during her sophomore year in college.  I was coming from a place of 100% genuine motherly concern for her health and happiness in my asking for advice.  Most people were very helpful, but I also got some hateful comments about what a horrible person I am and that I am the worst kind of mother and that there is a special place in h3ll for people like me.  (I hadn't even said anything to my daughter -- I was just asking if I should!)  So I couldn't help but expect more of that vitriol when I asked this question.

 

Regardless of the presence of some bad apples on here, I still like coming here for advice and feedback because this board contains such a diverse group of people, many of whom have life experiences and attributes that I really admire.  There is A LOT of wisdom here!  Fortunately, the kind, helpful folks FAR outnumber the nasties! 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 802
Registered: ‎04-10-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

 

 

I replied up above already and wanted to add one other thought, if it's ok.  It is obviously your decision; but, I can honestly say that my respect for other people's property is because my parents always respected mine.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,611
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I certainly would not.     My ma was very critical, to the point of being cruel.   I wouldn't do that to someone else...........

♥Surface of the Sun♥
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Posts: 8,048
Registered: ‎06-25-2012

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?


@juncus wrote:

I know I will get crucified by some people for asking this question -- but when you ask for honest opinions, you have to take the bad with the good.....

 

My wonderful 20-year-old daughter has this orange maxi/sundress that looks really, really bad on her.  It is just incredibly unflattering -- it makes her look VERY pregnant.  It also makes her top half (shoulders, back and upper arms) look very prominent and flabby.  It makes her look quite flat-chested too, which she is not.  Mind you, there is NOTHING wrong with looking or being flat-chested -- but when coupled with how protruding her stomach looks in this dress, it is just a really bad combo.  I know that description sounds mean and awful, but I am just trying to paint the visual.  Picture yourself in an orange sundress that does all of these things to your figure.  Not even Heidi Klum could rock this dress!

 

Unfortunately, this is her go-to dress for whenever she wants to look nice.  But this darn dress does exactly the opposite.  She has worn it to family functions before, and I have been asked a couple of times afterward (in private) if she was pregnant or if she was "OK" (because she had appeared to gain a shocking amount of weight).  My little niece really thought she WAS pregnant.  So I am not the only one who sees this.  My daughter, however, must not see the dress the same way.  Or maybe she does and just doesn't care because it is so comfortable.  (It DOES look like a comfortable dress because it is loose and unstructured and baggy, and she wears it without a bra -- so I have no doubt that it is comfy.)  It just looks AWFUL on her.  I feel VERY bad for even thinking that, but I see what I see.

 

I have NEVER said anything to her about it, nor do I EVER criticize her appearance.  I am not a mean, critical mom!  If I do think something critical about her appearance, I NEVER vocalize it because I do NOT want to hurt her feelings.  I just really, really want her to find a new go-to dress!  One that makes her look like the cute, curvy college girl that SHE IS, not one that looks like a big, frumpy, orange sack of potatoes.  She often wears it to sorority functions, and in the photos, she looks ready to drop twins!

 

To address any wardrobe questions, she DOES have other clothes.  It's not like this is her only outfit and she wears it out of necessity.  I think she just wears it repeatedly out of comfort -- and also the fact that it takes her about 30 seconds to throw the thing on and go.  While some of you might suggest that buying her some new clothes might be the thing to do, I am not so sure that that would work.  I could get her multiple new outfits, yet she may still continue to turn to her comfortable orange gunny sack.

 

Again, I FEEL VERY BAD about having all of these thoughts.  But at the same time, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting my daughter to look nice, especially when she is TRYING to look nice.  I mean, what 20-year-old college girl WANTS to look 8 months pregnant??  So is there a gentle, constructive way to broach the subject of getting this awful dress (which probaby would NOT look good on ANYONE, by the way!) out of regular rotation in her wardrobe?  Or should I just hold my tongue forever?  Thank you in advance.


Wow! Come on Mom! Let it go. Who cares really about someones dress? If she likes it that's all that counts. Really? This dress is whats really bothering you about your daughter? Really? Hmm SMH. Woman Sad

"Pure Michigan"
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,326
Registered: ‎10-21-2011

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I have students (trainees) and their trainers for our firm. I have to make sure they look good because they go out in public. I do not hesitate to tell them if their shirts are rumpled and need professional laundering. And if their ties are stained and worn. I also compliment them when their shirts look crisp and proper and I asked about tie styles: are thin ties in now? "Yes! And aren't I glad those short ties went away." Aha. Short ties. What was with that? I remember those (shudder.) I don't have too many women students right now and I myself have dress issues--off-the-rack suits being unable to fit me or even be altered. Women's clothes, even expensive ones, are made much more cheaply and skimpily than men's suits. I asked someone in the industry and they palmed it off "Women change styles so often." I have the same suits (in style mind you) from fifteen years ago that are bespoke and I can't get the same thing in the US for even ten times what I paid. (Italian wools.)

 

It's not easy to look good--and worse yet, when a style takes hold, it might not suit you. For example, the short jackets don't work on big busts and short waists, but that is a common body type. I can barely buy a jacket that works on me. And the Asian-made clothing fits oddly--the arms are rarely long enough. 

 

If I were a mom, I'd certainly say something (gently and uncritically) because it's important to look decent when you go out. You have five seconds to make an impression. What impression do you want that to be?

Super Contributor
Posts: 493
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: O/T: Is it OK to tell a loved one about their VERY unflattering, repeatedly-worn outfit?

I would NEVER "make it disapear."  If my mother did that when I lived with her, I would have moved out and never given her a key.  She is a smart woman and will most likely figure out or strongly suspect that you are the one who took it.  It's HER property and she is a grown adult.  If you are interested in giving her your opinion, go for it.  But to steal her property (which is what it technically is) is wrong.  Regarding the poster who did it to her husband, husbands and wives are different.  They legally pretty much own each other.  However, you no longer own your daughter.