Beauty

[LilacTree]

On 11/30/2014 ibb38 said:

On 11/30/2014 BRANDONLEE said:

You still haven't answered why you would not adopt this child.How can you and your mother even agree to such a thing.You sound like your life is fine then take the child.Omg i could never do that to my brother REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION.Imagine never seeing that baby again it wasn't her fault she was born.

I'm curious too. A family member took in their nephew when the child mother suddenly passed away. The father was out of the picture and child's grandmother couldn't care for him - the child has all kinds of developmental issues too. The transition wasn't easy, but they didn't want him being adopted.

I mentioned this earlier in the thread, and there have been other posts regarding the same. Obviously she is avoiding answering those posts because she is not considering adopting the child.

We had this in our extended family. One of the second cousins had a child out of wedlock, she is a heroin addict, and the father ended up in jail. One of my daughters immediately offered to adopt the child. The grandmother finally stepped forward and is raising the child, when at first she was washing her hands of it. She is a young woman, only in her fifties and we were so happy to hear she was going to take the baby home. Had she not, my daughter was ready to take him.

[MalteseMomma]

Why don't you take her to live with you ? That would be the best thing to do.

[pistolino]

On 11/30/2014 Abrowneyegirl said:

C Meow- I appreciate your comments and apology.

My mother and I fully understand the choice is not ours. What we are hoping to gain from a sit down with both sides of the family involved (which actually does not include me) I am thinking just the parents and grandmothers, that they with assistance can have the FULL picture of options and support services available. The mother and grandmother are much younger than my brother and mother. So I like to believe there are more options to review and consider.

NC Bandwagon- I like to believe he does care about his daughter. Yes he is selfish and lazy but he does care. We have had other male family members try to talk with him 'man-to man' since my father has passed. These relatives are raising concerns about his thoughts, abilities and mental status. I believe it was those relatives that first brought up the idea of adoption to both he and my mother. (I was not present for that conversation.) At first I was shocked, but now it all seems to make sense........

Whether it makes sense or not, you have to get 2 biological parents to agree to give up all parental rights to their child.

Not gonna happen.

Is your brother also getting Medicaid or food stamps or other benefits due to his child? Where is he getting money from? Does the bio mom pay him child support?

I'm also going to reiterate that although you and other people in this thread view calling in authorities as a "help", the whole situation can get out of control and end up with the child removed from the home, your mother upset because her grandchild is gone, your brother angry because his child is gone, and you holding the bag for all of this.

The only thing that "makes sense" is for you to take on the care of the child. I hate to say it, because it's obviously not what you want to do, but it needs to be done. It happens in families all the time and is light years better than having the child grow up in the foster care system.

ETA: The conclusion I come to is when one puts the welfare of the child as #1 and your mother #2. The child would be taken care of day-to-day by you, any financial burden placed on you for child care or other expenses should be borne by your brother and the bio mom in the form of support, and your mother will not lose the relationship with her grandchild.

Not an ideal solution to be sure, but really the only one that allows the child to remain in family care, which is the best situation possible.

[KarenQVC]

This is a sad situation. First, your mother needs to protect herself. A visit to a family attorney could settle up her will and medical power of attorney. That might make her feel better that those things were in order. The woman you describe is too old to do daily parenting and she should enjoy what health she has while she has it. She should simply carry on with her daily activities and have the father father. She could ask her counselor for a referral to a non-profit that deals with families and children. In my area it would be Family Services, Jewish Family Services, Catholic Social Services, and Judson Center. Check out the Judson Center in MI website to get an idea of what I am talking about. My area also provides referrals through 411. No one who doesn't want to should ever adopt out of guilt. Very bad idea.

[hyacinth003]

I'll bet neither of this child's biological parents is losing one minute of sleep over this.

They are getting just what they want - SOMEONE else taking care of the child THEY brought into this world.

If the so-called father cared, he wouldn't be burdening his own mother to care for his child. She could babysit, be HE would take on the daily care. He chose a mentally ill woman to procreate with. And even her mother doesn't want the child.

The OP or no one else is under the obligation to raise someone else's child. People can CHOOSE to do that, but they are not under obligation. I wouldn't want to raise another child.

The OP said the child regressed when she had too many caregivers. There could be a family out there that would love and cherish this precious baby.

This is full of dysfunction. Don't guilt her if she doesn't want to take on the child.

Wishing her the best.

Hyacinth

[optio100]

First thought... your mom isn't senile, and this is how she's babied your brother all along. This is how she chooses to live. She's an adult who can make her own decisions.

Secondly, this poor child probably doesn't stand a snowball's chance. For losers like the parents, procreating is the highest achievement they'll ever attain. The baby is the only thing they can be proud of in this world. Now, that doesn't mean they can raise it. Considering the background, the child will probably grow up mentally impaired in some way. Your mom can only do so much.

To people like your brother and his gf, this child is a cash-cow. Having the baby brings in money and free living. Get the kid diagnosed with autism or some other mental disability (probably caused by environment) is the same as hitting BINGO - extra money.

Sadly for the babe and your mom, she will do her best, but will only be able to hang in there for so long, at which time the child will just at an age where it is too late to stop the trajectory begun at birth.

Social Services is pretty much the only path to follow. They can at least supervise the child and perhaps provide services that will lighten the load for your mom. I wish you all luck, but especially this poor baby who is in such need.

[lovemybichonfrise]

It always amazes me when people try to seek advice on a community forum about domestic situations. Not sure if you're for real or just trying to put one over on this board. If this is a family problem, then you're part of that dysfunctional unit. Love the part where you say your SIL is a mental case and your brother is an unemployed loser and yet you say this is not your business and suggest putting this child up for adoption because you're worried about your mother. WHAT--you're not worried about a 16-month old who can't fend for itself? I would make this my business and wouldn't give a rats who liked it. You say if there wasn't a small child involved, you would "put your foot down." Well, the child is precisely why you should put your foot down, get involved, and find a way to save this child from its dumber-than-dumb parents. Do you see where I'm going with this? Sorry, but I don't believe your story--it reeks! Some will think this reply is harsh...YES IT IS!

[Colonel Meow]

On 11/30/2014 optio100 said:

First thought... your mom isn't senile, and this is how she's babied your brother all along. This is how she chooses to live. She's an adult who can make her own decisions.

Secondly, this poor child probably doesn't stand a snowball's chance. For losers like the parents, procreating is the highest achievement they'll ever attain. The baby is the only thing they can be proud of in this world. Now, that doesn't mean they can raise it. Considering the background, the child will probably grow up mentally impaired in some way. Your mom can only do so much.

To people like your brother and his gf, this child is a cash-cow. Having the baby brings in money and free living. Get the kid diagnosed with autism or some other mental disability (probably caused by environment) is the same as hitting BINGO - extra money.

Sadly for the babe and your mom, she will do her best, but will only be able to hang in there for so long, at which time the child will just at an age where it is too late to stop the trajectory begun at birth.

Social Services is pretty much the only path to follow. They can at least supervise the child and perhaps provide services that will lighten the load for your mom. I wish you all luck, but especially this poor baby who is in such need.

Your second paragraph, in particular, is quite offensive. The only thing we know about the mother of this child is that she has an unspecified "psychiatric disorder" that requires frequent hospitalizations. She is unable to care for her child because she is ill.

I work with the severely mentally ill, and can tell you that most of them would do anything to be able to live "normal" lives unimpaired by their illnesses - to be there for their families, assume their responsibilities, and contribute to society. They struggle to do these things not for lack of caring, but because they are ill.

[ECBG]

Wow! I am so sorry that this is happening in your family and you are brave enough to start asking for help.

All of this is sad, but especially tragic is this child is not getting the stability she needs to have a consistant, nurturing childhood and to be a healthy, well adjusted adult and live her life. To complicate matters, it seems your mother is an enabler to your brother. There are personality types that will live forever with "dreams" of what might someday be while time passes.

I would suggest that you and your mother get a good family counselor to open her eyes to the behavior in your brother which she supports and to help her deal with your brother. In addition, the two of you with the guidance of the counselor could come up with a plan in the child's best interest.

Best of luck.

[twins mom]

On 11/29/2014 Abrowneyegirl said:

On 11/29/2014 Colonel Meow said:

Without commenting on any particulars of your post, I'll ask if adoption is even something that the parents have discussed and considered as a viable option - or is it simply what <em>you</em> feel is best for the child?

I am NOT suggesting anything to either my brother or the child's mother, it is not my place!

My concern is the mental, emotional and financial health of my mother. She has been seen my many specialists and sees a counselor all who recommend she needs to reduce her stress and get more rest.

My goal is to get the parties together to create a plan on who is going to raise the child. My brother and the mother are not capable unfort. Even my mother who loves this child dearly admits she will not be around long enough to raise her and she deserves to be in a stable loving home, she is pro-adoption.

I am thinking that your brother and mother of the baby don't think this is a problem... your mother is kind of in denial and probably overwhelmed and doesn't really know what to do...even though your mother tells you this is a problem she probably won't stand up to your brother and say it is a problem.. your brother will never leave the home and your mother will never evict him... probably what I would do is think of what is in the best interest of the child... your brother and the mother of the baby will probably never agree to the adoption because the baby may be a source of income for them (from the state that is especially if he isn't working)... from what you have told me I would help out your mother with the baby.. take the baby at least half of that time and increase that time each month... put the child in an enriching child care program where they can be with other children.. and basically have the infant come and live with you... because your brother is probably on some type of state aide you might be able to get a good child care program at a reduced cost... pray your brother doesn't reproduce... unless everyone besides you does not think this is a problem, you will not be able to get mediation on this... unless the child isn't being taken care of or abused, child protective services does not need to be involved... you aren't the first person this has happened to nor the last...