Beauty

[anika]

On 11/6/2014 Jessicamalindadotcom said:

On 11/5/2014 suzeecat said:

My heart goes out to you, this sounds like a terribly painful situation! Can you reach out to your family and just be honest with them how their actions are hurting you? Even if they don't change maybe they can give you some insight into why they do what they do. Also, please find someone to talk to, preferably a professional who can give you unbiased advice.

Hang in there, try to stay strong!

This is some great advice!

I do have to say that I've witnessed a similar situation with a friend of mine. She didn't speak up and stood away, was ashamed bc her husband walked out with another woman and she has sick with MS. She had to continue to see her ex because he worked on our block. She held a lot in, in order to not appear bitter but quite honestly I watched her cry and grieve and lose a part of herself because of this. You have every right to feel emotional and express yourself freely to family and friends. Do not hold it all in. It's okay to be upset and even angry. You are a human being for crying out loud.

Professional help will do you good, and please try and have faith that there is a better life out there for you. Everything happens for a reason. I am sure you have beautiful qualities, as you said you stood by your husband, and you will find someone who can fulfill your emptiness and offer you companionship.

I have said a prayer that you recover fully and quickly from your grief, and that you find happiness with your new life.

Best to you, Jessica

Julie_B, I'm so sorry for what you are going through! Dealing with our own family can be difficult too, especially if there are toxic family members(both sides), for those us know what it's like. I know it is very hard, but time will heal everything. Always remember and appreciate that you are a good person and a great mom!

Kids are innocent, when young their childhood suffers with family issues, they can be immature, challenging and tough in their teen years due to puberty issues. Hang in there, for your sake and your kids sake... What has to or meant to happen will happen, all we have to do is not to lose our self and continue to give our best...

Determine your future, think/act carefully and take decisions keeping in mind what works best for you tomorrow! Believe, respect, be aware of your worth and love self as well, be positive as mush as possible, patient with everything and everyone, starting from now, first try to take good care yourself enough to move on and to take care of kids!

Story of my life too, really long long story short, I was in the same boat last two years, even after 20 yrs of marriage(right after high school and was 8 yrs younger than him, raised both kids pretty much alone from infancy, schools etc till college, with dad not around or in town most of the time & my family in different country, his side long story short he n all of us always owed his dad n family no matter what or how much we did as long as he lived. He also has mom issues(caused by dad) as parents divorced and remarried with him staying with dad only) and more or less for the same and stronger reasons, Only with the exception that he had not been able to get in to a new relationship totally yet, felt truly regretful, repented a lot and wanted to change for better, since heartbreak(new year & this summer final)! He needed therapy long time ago, but lied to convince, ridiculed, never really agreed before on many situations, those who are in denial or don't want to be helped can't be helped at the right time! But acting out in open, scarring kids, and after getting the inevitable DV counselling 18 months ago, finally he seems to be different starting with being worse, spiteful and worst to realize, make up mind and start over.

I was totally devastated, broken, lost, falling apart, knew can't go on any longer as it's off limits for too long and thought it was the end. But I've found great strength, healing in spirituality, music and self help... I would not hesitate to take professional help anytime!

It is different for everybody, But it will work out over time and it will definitely get better...

I totally agree with suzeecat & jessica ! Only focus on the helpful/positive comments here and ignore the rest! I echo the above statements made by Snow Owl & candy as well... Please keep faith in life, be there for yourself and your kids no matter what may come on your way, start over, reach out to support groups, try to make new friendships(ok if didn't happen) and know that everything happens for a reason, so let go of things that you can't control or change, but hold on to things that you can & that really matter.....

Good luck to all, Keeping you and your kids in prayers, also wishing quick recovery from your painful situation soon, all the best with court matters, happiness/peace in your new life

[Margo Channing]

On 11/5/2014 RJL-DLL 75 said:

Julie_B

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

If you have come to the beauty banter forum for understanding, caring and support....sorry to say you have come to the wrong place. Unfortunately there are people here that are extremely critical, judgmental and just plain mean.

Oh boy, you got that right. You can see them just circling around like pirhana, waiting for fresh meat.

OP--sorry you are going thru this and I hope you can find a caring community to share your problems, because you surely won't get that here....

[Annabellethecat66]

Divorce, I know. My mother (whom I lived with for 3 months, was married 6 times, 3 X's to one step dad, 2 to another step dad, 1 X to my Dad. I eventually made friends with her (children will always find a way that works best for them, most children do, unfortunately a few don't).

Everyone in my family except my brother and myself were married more than 2 times.

It isn't a matter of who is right or who is wrong. The fact is the marriage didn't work, that's what matters.

Everyone thinks they know what's best for you and your husband. Unless they lived in your skin (not house, in your skin because we all react differently) they have no right to comment.

What they should do is support all of you. They should STAY OUT OF IT. Not take sides.

It's the little children who are the loosers in all of this.

The best thing you and your husband can do is to stop talking to everyone else and talk to each other AND your children. Children can be very wise, if we'd just listen to them. They shouldn't have to choose. They love both of you.

No one can help either of you but yourselves. If you don't wise up (both of you) your children are the ones who will be losers. No mater what, they will come away from this scarred, is this what you want.

For goodness sakes. Seek counseling and end this the right way.

I know someone who counsels families. Where I live when people get divorced they must go through a counseling program.

Please do this for your children.

[Merrylass]

Excellent advice in several posts to take care of yourself. You should make sure that you have excellent legal representation for your divorce. A friend went through a similar situation and her cheating spouse spread horrific lies about her to both of their families so he could get HER family as witnesses on his behalf - he was trying to get custody of the children and not pay alimony. Thankfully her lawyer (and children) refuted his lies in court but it was an expensive divorce. Her ex showed his true colors when he lost but it took a long time for her relationship with her family to recover ( I think her parents were mortified when they finally realized that they had been used but they were too proud to let her know that they were sorry).

[twins mom]

Different states have different laws in regard to divorce. In states with no-fault divorce, you usually get 50-50. Fathers rights are gaining momentum. In the state I live in, it is very unusual for either parent to get full custody especially if one parent even shows an interest in being in the children's life. That being said, unfortunately, since you had children with this guy you will be having to deal with him with the issues of your children until they turn about 18 or 19. What is sad is the children who have "interesting" fathers will figure out by the time they are teens why you no longer are a couple. My ex hubbie lies a lot too which causes to this day a lot of drama in the situation. I no longer have any type of relationship with his family because he really doesn't want me too and reacts very aggressively when I do. I am truly thankful that he has a very nice girlfriend who is good to my children, takes care of them and feeds them, and doesn't start/makes trouble for me. Right now (his custody time) he is doing jerky things to my boys and lying to them which they are starting to see right through. I have 4 more years to go with this guy but at least I won't have to go to any of his family functions and make nice with his really evil sister... lol

Get good legal representation... don't expect anything unreasonable... get financially separated ASAP(make sure his bills don't become your bills... especially if he starts running up debt)... if you get support, go ahead and garnish his wages so you won't have to wait for the money (if it comes... and that is another story)... just be grateful you are rid of the guy and go have joy in your life...your family will come around sooner or later and if they don't then they are the fools...

[AuntG]

It is strange that your family seems to have taken his side. Is there anyone in the family who will explain their reasoning to you? My first thought was that they want to keep things civil to make it easier for your children. Nevertheless, they shouldn't exclude you entirely.

[Mayfayre]

I don't think that it's fair to knock the people who aren't automatically rushing to give the OP tea and sympathy. If you put your private problems up on a public forum, then you are going to get opinions and comments from the entire spectrum. Every one is allowed to comment in a public forum, and no one should be told to stay out of it just because they might be posting a differing opinion or may not be perceived as sympathetic. We are neither a support group nor a professional counseling service; we are just people commenting on various conversations started by others, and no one post has more validity than another. If you need hand-holding and unconditional pats on the back, then a public forum is not the place to look for that. We are not a hive mind, and each of us approach a discussion from a totally unique perspective and not all comments will pass the apparent sympathy litmus test that some seem to think should be applied.

[HonnyBrown]

Julie_B, how are you doing?

[patheticcosmetics]

On 11/10/2014 Mayfayre said: I don't think that it's fair to knock the people who aren't automatically rushing to give the OP tea and sympathy. If you put your private problems up on a public forum, then you are going to get opinions and comments from the entire spectrum. Every one is allowed to comment in a public forum, and no one should be told to stay out of it just because they might be posting a differing opinion or may not be perceived as sympathetic. We are neither a support group nor a professional counseling service; we are just people commenting on various conversations started by others, and no one post has more validity than another. If you need hand-holding and unconditional pats on the back, then a public forum is not the place to look for that. We are not a hive mind, and each of us approach a discussion from a totally unique perspective and not all comments will pass the apparent sympathy litmus test that some seem to think should be applied.

I like your post Mayfayre, particularly the hive mind reference.

My perspective comes from my experiences & I find it hard not to project those feelings when responding to a post. The "this is what I did, or would do" is easier said than done. I am not an involved party or a witness to such, so my response is directly related to what I have read from a poster.

To Julie B - protect yourself & your children the best way you can. Take care. Path

[anika]

Julie_B, How are you doing... I really hope everything goes smoothly and turns out well for you & your kids. You are in my thoughts and prayers...Stay strong, Take care