Beauty

[gabstoomuch]

Julie, you are in a tough spot. I understand what you are saying, that you want your family to be supportive of you and your kids. It sounds like some "family of origin" (yours) drama or feelings from the past are spilling into this divorce.

I understand the hurt you are feeling. The problem is you can't "make people see". You will make yourself crazy trying to say "don't you see? You are hurting me. Don't you see?", because it sounds like they don't see, nor does it sound like they care (sadly).

Divorces sometimes take years to shake out and everything eventually lands in a somewhat harmonious place (most times). Your job now is to take care of yourself, your kids, and YOUR life. It truly does not matter what your family is doing, not doing, saying, not saying. Only you know the truth, and that should be what you stand on.

Stand on your truth, and know there are reasons you left him that others will never know, or understand. What other people know or understand, whether they are family or not, is just not your problem. It is their problem.

You can feel the hurt, nurture yourself, and know that your hurt if coming from more than just this divorce. But you will get through it, with or without your family. Now your trust and relationship with them is a bit fractured, but sounds like it may have been a little fractured to begin with (only because you said your Mom won't talk to you).

Some families hold together for a lifetime. Some families hold together only until the head of the family is gone, then the adult children fall apart. The dynamics of "family" is so hard to navigate, especially nowadays, in my opinion. Seems like the word "family" is barely alive.

You can't make them see. Accept it for what it is. Easier said than done, I know. You will not move forward with your own life until you just disconnect from those who are hurting you. Your ex sounds toxic (just the mere fact that he is courting your family sounds retaliative to me), and if your family is drawn to him, so be it. Let them. He may eventually hurt them too.

Live for yourself, and keep your focus on your kids. All the rest will shake out on its own.

[Theoriginallacey]

This is a hard situation. I think harder because your husband is a cheater so that in my mind makes him a tool. However, he is still your children's father and they are going to want to spend time with him which is I'm sure why your family is making it easier for him. In time they may or may not realize what a jerk he is. Either way he will always be their father. The best revenge is to make a good life for yourself without him. So good in fact, that you don't even care to be bothered with how your family treats him or what he is doing in his own life. The less you are bothered by him or how your family interacts with him, the better for you, Sounds like he wasn't all that great at being a husband, so you know already how to be alone and now that you are divorcing, it's your chance to do what your want and maybe have a fulfilling relationship someday with someone who realizes how special you are.

[krissylv]

Hi Julie_B, I have no real advice to offer in addition to suggestions made here. I just want to say I am sorry that the difficulty and pain of your divorce is being compounded by the very people who should be supporting you. I guess like others have said you need to stick with your Dad and Uncle, focus on your children and as hard as it is ignore what the rest of your family does and thinks. Your children are are smart and perceptive and they will know the real deal at some point (if not already), and it sounds as if you have done a great job raising them. Keep your chin up!

[jaxs mom]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You're right, your family should support you especially given that you're the wronged party here what with him cheating ect. Have there been long term issues between you and your other family members? You don't have to answer here, but I wouldn't be surprised if their lack of support isn't specifically about him but about their issues with you. And I'm not implying they are legitimate issues.

[chrystaltree]

Well, it's rather obvious that there is whole lot more to the story. If your family is that supportive of your husband, they absolutely have their reasons. You know what those reasons are. Whatever happened in your marriage is between you and your spouse. It doesn't involve anyone else. I can understand your desire to have everyone "on your side", I can understand that you would like it if everyone punished him for being a bad husband but in your case, that isn't going to happen. You know why. You cannot control other people's feelings and you cannot tell people who to associate with. You have children; so, having a cordial relationship with your soon to be ex is most definitely in their best interest. There is so much you haven't said but if you cannot be in the same room with the man without some type of explosion....you might want to consider seeing a therapist for help with some coping mechanisms. You have children together; he is still close to your relatives; you can divorce him but he will always be in the picture. Hard that might be, you have learn to live with that.

[ciley]

It doesn't matter if they are taking sides or not because you feel like they are and that's what matters. I know its painful and probably embarrassing as well and I feel for you. Unfortunately my Mother has always been a take the other person's side person. Even when we were growing up and would have a fight with a friend she would take their side. If we had a problem at school the school was always right and we were wrong. Same with ex boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. So I get it....it hurts. They are your family, not his, and they should be there to support you. But they are not and dealing with that fact can be as painful as ending the marriage.

I can tell you from first hand experience that they are probably not going to change regardless of what you do. But you still need to talk to each of them and tell them how much it hurts you and why. Don't do it with the expectation that they will do anything different, do it because you respect yourself and you owe it to yourself to be honest. Once you have expressed your feelings to them at least they can never say they didn't know it hurt you.

After that, at the very least, I would ask not to be told about the gatherings that you are not included in, or whats going on in his life, or who's house he's staying at. If you want to rid yourself of this man the less you hear about him the better. Make a conscious effort to do something with friends when you know that he is going to be involved with your family. Go to a movie, dinner, shopping, mani pedis, whatever you can do to take care of you and not think about them.

Another thing you can do is write a really mean letter to your husband (which you are NOT going to mail) and let him have it. Say everything you always wanted to say but didn't. Then do the same thing with the family members who are taking his side. Be sure to curse a lot and call them rotten names. It really does help! Then burn those suckers and if you need to do it again the next time it happens then do it again. The point is to take care of you, not to make them do what you want them to do. One of the sucky things about being a grownup is finding out that even when you are right a lot of the times it doesn't matter one bit, nor does it change one thing.

I wish you a lot of luck....the next few months are probably going to be very difficult but if you can remember why you are getting divorced and focus on that and making a better life for you and your children and not what he or they are doing, you will come out the other end stronger, wiser, and happier. Sending you a big cyber hug.

~ciley

[hyacinth003]

This sounds hurtful, and I can understand how bad it must feel.

Your kids are young, and this will go on a long time.

I can understand your family wanting contact with your children, and helping facilitate your husband that way.

If they know all the facts, I don't know why they seem supportive of him in a way that feels they are choosing to side with him.

Hope you have someone in your life to talk to.

The only thing to do is discuss this honestly with them. Tell them how you feel. After that, the ball is in their court.

Hyacinth

[Mayfayre]

The problem, as I see it, is that you are holding to the "blood is thicker than water" mentality, and the majority of your family isn't. So you need to get past that and realize that they like him, that however he might have hurt you in your marriage isn't as important to them as it is to you, and that they are probably always going to remain close to him.

It could be simply that they like him better than you. That might hurt, but we can love people and still not really like them; I've got experience with that in my family. Or they could just be dysfunctional and you'll have to accept that. Your portrayal of yourself here is as reasonable, accommodating person - and that might be exactly what you are, but then again it could only be the perception that you have of yourself and they see something different. I've got a sibling who views herself as the put-upon one within her marriage when in reality she is the petty tyrant in the family. They consider him a member of the family so they are still going to include him in family gatherings, but to avoid conflict, they are going to exclude you from those same gatherings. Do they have gatherings in which you are invited and he is excluded?

Remember also that you are looking at your marriage from the inside out, and they have been looking at it from the outside in and may view it totally differently from you. They may have seen fractures that you did not or cannot. You mentioned that you've been stay-at-home for the past two years; I'm guessing that you were working before that? So both you and your ex were working while still raising two young children? If a spouse strays, there's usually a reason for it, either within themselves and/or because of what's going on with the rest of the marriage. It doesn't excuse it; it just gives a reason for it.

You mentioned that you don't have friends to discuss this with. Are you one of those people who concentrate so single-mindedly on their family that you view friendships as distractions? Did you used to try to wean your husband away from his friends? I have a family member who does that with her marriages - at first her in-laws and his friends are the most wonderful people, then she begins to resent the amount of time he wants to spend with them and begins to denigrate them, and finally manages to cut her spouse off from his family and friends because she makes the social situations so miserable.

Does your ex have a family of his own that he's close to? If not, then perhaps your family holds that role in his life.

Have you sat down with all of your family at one time and discussed with them your perception that they like him better than you? Just looking at that sentence that I typed makes me wonder why you care so much if they do? If they do, just accept it. You're all adults, not children; who likes whom better is immaterial and juvenile. Deal with it and move on. By their actions they are still keeping things as normal as they can for your kids by keeping him in their lives with family gatherings. If they enjoy his company, then obviously they've gotten over whatever he's done to you and perhaps, from their observation of the situation, even understand/excuse it. That might not seem fair to you, but it's their lives and they've had to deal with your breakup in their own fashions.

My suggestion is that you just accept it that they like him, that they want to keep him in their lives, that they are going to do things with him that don't include you, that they don't think that "blood is thicker than water", and move on with your life. Concentrate on building up your own circle of friends to create the support network that your family isn't providing to you. Water can be thicker than blood, when it comes to friendships. Make a secondary family circle for yourself.

[CalminHeart]

There are some pretty cold comments on this string. Having been in your shoes, I can only say what I think and feel based on my experience.

Talk to your family now. It's ok to say their extra support of him hurts you. Your family needs to be sure to support you right now. Telling your family this doesn't mean you don't want a dad for your kids. It means you want your family's support. Maybe your family just doesn't get this yet.

Your family might need some boundaries too. Perhaps having him at their home is a chance for them to see your kids too. If it is, perhaps there are alternatives you and your family can agree to.....or at least come to an understanding about it.

My family loved my ex. But they loved me more. They would never dream of doing anything without checking with me. I was very lucky.

[Julie_B]

There are just so many dynamics to this...I say I don't have anyone to talk to about this because I am a very private person in nature. I have a lot of friends, but my problems I keep to myself. I don't like to burden people with things that are going on in my life, as I know others have more important and worse things to deal with.

I understand about having the thick skin when posting on a board such as this, and I can take it. I thought this would be a great outlet for me to vent for a minute and hear other perspectives on things from experiences. Constructive criticism I like, because I can learn something from it.

I know that I cannot change anyone and I don't expect to. For many years I have dealt with betrayal and, I'm naive I guess, but I jsut thought that when I really needed my family, they would be there. Apparently that is not the case. As I said. Thank GOD for my dad and my uncle.

I have also gathered that no one in my family values the fact that I take awesome care of my children and although I don't feel like it all the time, I am an awesome mom. Just because I don't work outside of the home doesn't mean anything...my work is raising my children and doing things for them at the school, etc. I have had to start over every time I have moved and my career has suffered at the expense of his.

Apparently my family does love him more. It is a sad reality, I guess, but I certainly don't need this in my life. I don't need them either. If the point is for them to see the kids, apparently they can do it on his time since they never invite me to anything anyway. I am not sure I would even go if they did...how awkward would that be?

I don't even think it is worth talking to them about it (besides already mentioning it to my brother). He already said it is not about them helping him or supporting him, but I beg to differ. I'll probably just get mad talking to them about it anyway, and I honestly don't have the energy for that.

It is amazing to me the kindness I have found here. Thank you all so very much.