Beauty

[just bee]

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@geezerette wrote:

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@just bee wrote:

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@geezerette wrote:

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@just bee wrote:

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@geezerette wrote:

@aprilskies 

@rnmom 

Don’t feel bad about your HEPs.  I just had coffee ice cream for breakfast.☺️  (It was delicious!😋)

I’ve decided (again) to not keep any junk in the house.  I’m going to allow myself one day a week—in my case, shopping day—to eat a certain amount of junk.  Mine will probably be a salty and a sweet.  And that’s it.  If I keep anything more around, it gets eaten immediately (like this morning’s ice cream) and I just want more.  I’ve even gotten so bad as to drive to the store purposely just to buy junk, and for me that’s quite a hike.  But if I don’t allow myself something, I just keep thinking about junk food.  

Can’t win.  But it’s worth a try.

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@geezerette 

Is this your junket?

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@just bee 

Oh my.  You really are doing better today! 🤣👍💪

Actually, I think just writing out that confession helped me.  My guilty conscience was tapping me on the shoulder about the remaining two cartons of ice cream in the freezer.  (Small ones, but still—two!)  I needed to dump them out.  

Then came the war with myself.  Me:  “But that’s a waste of money!” Conscience: “After all the cr*p you’ve dumped over the last few years, all of a sudden you’re concerned about wasting a measly $7 of ice cream?  What about all the money you’re going to spend on health care because you’ve destroyed your body?”

I’m happy to report that Conscience won out in the end.  The remaining ice cream is gone.  I have no other junk in the house.  For now.

Now comes the hard part.  To keep it that way. 💪

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@geezerette 

But even you say you know how much better you feel when you're not eating the junk.  You deserve to feel good, G!

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@just bee 

That’s just too logical! 😩😄

But you are right.  I do deserve to feel better.  We all do.  And the antidepressant seems to be working even better now that I’ve been taking them consistently for a few months straight.  I’m not jumping for joy every day by any means, but life seems to be more tolerable.  So that’s a plus.  But the weather here causes me so much distress that I don’t need to add to the strain on my immune system by not giving it any ammunition to help my body.  So that’s a minus.

Where I run into trouble is when I have been eating well for a while, and I do start feeling better, I sabotage myself.  “Just this once” starts playing in my head.

But like that old Lay’s commercial, I can’t eat just one. 😭

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@geezerette 

Key word: Consistency.  A lot to be said for consistency in diet and medication.  I haven't had peanut butter in weeks!  Something I eat just about every day of my life.  And I just replaced my vitamins and fish oil. 

Being put out of our home and being without the things I use on a daily basis without even thinking about it has made me realize how important a regimen is.

Even my cleansing and makeup routine or our "habit" of taking the dog to the bosque -- these are things that feel normal and make me feel like everything's going to be okay.

Establish your regimen!  I swear the human body responds to structure and discipline the way a child or dog responds to it.  It's stability.  It's familiar.  It's safe.

It's totally necessary.

[lil spot]

@just bee 

Okay, I'm gonna Junk It for June. I'm willing to try my best and give up my beloved Ruffle potato chips. 

But first, I need to finish the rest of the bag tomorrow!

I hope you find new living quarters soon. You, BH and WGD must be anxious to get out of your small living space. You are doing so well with handling all of this. I guess we never know how we will hold up until we are faced with the situation. What a trying month this has been. I was proud of you in letting go of some of your "treasures".

If y'all need a vacation and find yourselves near N.E.Tennessee, I'd love to have y'all stay with me. My 2 dogs would have a ball with WGD. 

[just bee]

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@River Song wrote:

After dealing with a health insurance company issue for the past week, it has finally been resolved.  I was fearing that we would lose our health insurance because payment by another party had not been made due to massive confusion on everyone's part.  After many phone calls and emails, payment has been sent today and our health insurance should still be in effect for DH's chemo infusions next week.  I think I lost a few years off of my life dealing with this fiasco, I was in such a panic.  Anyhoo, I'm having a glass of wine as I write this to try and wind down a little.

I started purging old files of useless stuff and I am also amazed at how much of this stuff has my full SSN and signatures on them.  Amazing how free we were with our SSN 30 years ago before the age of computers and identity theft.  I have a mountain of stuff that has to be shredded.

I also have some cassette tapes from 30+ years ago and no cassette player, lol.  Most of these have sentimental value because my late first husband liked to mix his own music.

As part of my HEP to not eat desserts, I've started having Costco canned sliced peaches for dessert.  They are actually packaged in clear jars in light syrup.  Sweet but not really junk food like ice cream or chocolates.  But, don't take away my glass of wine, LOL.  I need that to deal with the stress of DH's illness.

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@River Song 

Oh, don't get me started about insurance.

I found more of my college report cards in my old, saved university course catalogs.  SSN's all over 'em.  The shredder will be my best friend after we get settled into a place.

There are cassette players out there.  Still.  I am determined to keep my tapes and play them.  They may be damaged -- I won't know unless I try.

Music used to be a huge part of my life and then I just stopped listening.  But I know how therapeutic it is so it makes no sense to not listen to it.

Fruit is a good way to scratch the sugar itch.  So is wine!  I'm jealous.  I haven't had a glass of wine since the fire.  But I made the executive decision to have the wine rack restored because I plan to stock it once we get it back.

[just bee]

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@River Song wrote:

When DH was first diagnosed two years ago, I read an article about the Rockettes and how they stay healthy so they can perform as much as they do.

Apparently, some of them take Emergen-C Immune+ packets.  I figured, sounds hokey, but if it works for them then it might work for me to stay healthy so I can be DH's caregiver.  I immediately started taking them and have been everyday for the past two years.  I haven't had a single illness that whole time.  No colds, flu, sniffles, coughs, nothing.  I'm a believer.  However, I've become a germaphobe and obsessively wash my hands and use hand sanitizer, but still...

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@River Song 

Like I said, I was without my multivitamins, fish oil and probiotics for weeks and I just started taking them again.  Some say they're useless and if there's any benefit it's the placedo effect.

But all I know is that I feel better now that I'm taking them again.

Hey -- and there's plenty of research about Vitamin C and its benefits.  I support your efforts to keep your immune system working for you!

[just bee]

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@River Song wrote:

@geezerette ,

Don't be too hard on yourself about eating.

After my first DH died in a car accident, I didn't care if I was dead or alive, I was in such a state of shock for months.

I don't remember much about that first year after his death but I do remember zoning out in front of the TV watching old movies and eating Oreo cookies and a glass of milk for dinner.  Many times.  I also ate a LOT of grilled cheese sandwiches.  Easy to make comfort food.

I did not take anti-depressants but did have some very dark thoughts around the 3 to 6 month time period after his death.  The shock slowly wears off after about a month and then you are left with the searing emotional pain.  I felt like I was down a deep, dark, black obsidian well with smooth as glass walls and no way to climb out.  I did attend a hospice Widows Grief Support Group and also went to a psychologist for a year for grief therapy (only because my health insurance would pay for it).   The talk stuff helped but I still had to do the work myself and go through all the stages of grief.  I would say it took me about 5 years to fully 'get over' my first husband's death to the point where I wasn't paralyzed during the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, that sort of thing. 

Hang in there.  I was a basket case compared to what you have shared since your DH's death.

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@River Song 

The stages of grief are different for everyone and each person has to navigate them as they pop up and smack you upside the head.

Once you think you've handled one stage, it comes back and attacks you again.  The smallest thing can trigger it.

Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are hard.  A lot of our patients have all those feelings come up and they feel like they have to address things all over again.

It's all normal.  I do know that talking about it and doing the work to process it really helps.  It's like putting all that energy into something -- directing it -- so that it can be used to help you and not hurt you.

[kathie66]

@just bee 

Holy ****** I'm so sorry my friend. I just read your post about the fire, was catching up on the thread. So glad you, DH and your dog are ok. I feel so helpless, I wish there was something I could do for you. Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes. Off to read the rest of the thread to get caught up. XO

[just bee]

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@lil spot wrote:

@just bee 

Okay, I'm gonna Junk It for June. I'm willing to try my best and give up my beloved Ruffle potato chips. 

But first, I need to finish the rest of the bag tomorrow!

I hope you find new living quarters soon. You, BH and WGD must be anxious to get out of your small living space. You are doing so well with handling all of this. I guess we never know how we will hold up until we are faced with the situation. What a trying month this has been. I was proud of you in letting go of some of your "treasures".

If y'all need a vacation and find yourselves near N.E.Tennessee, I'd love to have y'all stay with me. My 2 dogs would have a ball with WGD. 

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@lil spot 

See, I have to avoid Kettle chips.  It's that satisfying crunch.  I can't have them near me because of that... crunch.  It's just so... perfect.

Funny -- BH's brother and his family recently moved to Tennessee! 

Thank you so much for the support and kind words.  I think BH is a little surprised that I'm processing all of this -- although he did notice that I've avoided a lot of the "purging" the last two days.

I needed a break.  I admit it.

But I need to get back in there and make some really hard decisions this weekend.

[just bee]

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@kathie66 wrote:

@just bee 

Holy ****** I'm so sorry my friend. I just read your post about the fire, was catching up on the thread. So glad you, DH and your dog are ok. I feel so helpless, I wish there was something I could do for you. Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes. Off to read the rest of the thread to get caught up. XO

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@kathie66 

I really need to start thinking about surviving this.  We could have easily died that day because we were just not aware the house was on fire.  The neighbors heard popping and explosions and saw the smoke -- we were blissfully unaware, cooking up Cinco de Mayo dinner in the kitchen.

Why are we still here?

Food for thought.

[aprilskies]

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@geezerette wrote:

@aprilskies 

@rnmom 

Don’t feel bad about your HEPs.  I just had coffee ice cream for breakfast.☺️  (It was delicious!😋)

I’ve decided (again) to not keep any junk in the house.  I’m going to allow myself one day a week—in my case, shopping day—to eat a certain amount of junk.  Mine will probably be a salty and a sweet.  And that’s it.  If I keep anything more around, it gets eaten immediately (like this morning’s ice cream) and I just want more.  I’ve even gotten so bad as to drive to the store purposely just to buy junk, and for me that’s quite a hike.  But if I don’t allow myself something, I just keep thinking about junk food.  

Can’t win.  But it’s worth a try.

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@geezerette, yum coffee ice cream. One of my favs. It as least had a breakfast drink in it.   Isnt it a crime to throw out ice cream?

I was able to get a lot of junk food out of the house. I still have some but have no intention of getting rid of it all. Otherwise I will just load up again and I dont want to do that.  I am giving myself one more day and then I need to put a plan in place.

I agree with you. I do it for a while, start to feel good and then fall down the rabbitt hole again. Only each time is a little bit worse. 

We can do this @geezerette, @rnmom, let's do this together for June.  We can do a month, yes?  After all, we are not 5 years old.

[aprilskies]

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@just bee wrote:

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@aprilskies wrote:

@geezerette , you are really doing good with everything. Keep it up.

I took a bag to donate but I have to bag up the rest and take it out. Although, I am considering the Lupus foundation but they will not be in the area until the 15th.  They will even take my bed frame.  It is time to get that out too.  I bought a foundation bed thinking it would fit right into the bed frame but i was wrong. I suppose measuring would of helped.  

I decluttered and organized some paperwork and am just amazed, the more I organize the bigger mess I seem to have. I think I just need to start tossing without thinking about things too much in general.  Things just seem to multiply.  It is crazy, I feel sometimes I am not getting anywhere.   It will take forever to get through everything at the rate I am going.  I guess I am debating on whether to sell some things but I dont know if I want to go through the hassle. 

I have not purchased any skincare or mu in May.  This makes 5 months. It helps that I have tossed so much product and still am tossing the stuff that made the first cut.  So when the urge hits, I think about the waste and it keeps me from going crazy.   I will use up what I have first, well skincare that is, mu is a lost cause. 

HEP, well, you know.  Starting June, I am going to attempt to eat more clean. I am not giving up sugar but I do need to substantially reduce it.  I vowed to fit into my summer clothes this year and it is not looking good so far.

We just got one heck of a rain storm. I have never seen it rain so hard. So we have severe flooding warning until 9 30 tonight and a tornado warning until 9 30 as well. We rarely get tornado warnings in this area.  How scary is that. 

Junk it June is so fitting.

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@aprilskies 

That's what I'm experiencing right now.  I'm faced with so much stuff and I have to make so many decisions.  I found a refrigerator magnet in a pile that says something like, "Some days it feels like all I'm doing is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic."

That's exactly how I feel right now.  I'm moving things from pile to pile, from room to room.  I don't know what to do with some things so after staring at them for a few minutes I stuff them into bags and throw them away.

I look at the house and I see how long this is taking and how haphazard the process is because I have limited time to act.  If I had devoted more time to this before the fire, I wonder how much time it would have taken.

How much time was I willing to spend decluttering, sorting, organizing, washing and donating clothes, pruning collections?  Obviously not that much because I hadn't done it.

But how long?  How much of my life would have been spent on this project?  How many years did it take to create it?

In some ways I have to look at this disaster as an opportunity to deal with something I've been avoiding.  On one hand I feel like this is my punishment for procrastinating; on the other hand, I feel like it's the only way I would have acted and finally addressed all the cr@p.

I can feel my thought process changing inside my head.  It's almost as if tectonic plates are shifting.  I don't think I could have made these decisions before the fire.  I was getting close to the point where I wanted to do something and closer to the point where I knew I needed to do something, but the actual doing was not happening quickly enough.

I appreciate that I'd stopped collecting -- that helped.  But so many of the things I had collected were never used.

I don't know how much time you want to spend on this because it takes time away from something else and it's a painful reminder of unwise decisions.

Amazing how many items don't spark joy.  I'm realizing, too, that I've hung on to items that do the opposite.  They hold memories, but the memories are not happy ones.  I'm letting many of those items go.

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Everyone has been hitting the nail on the head with all of this and your post @just bee is no different. I could of written this word for word.  It is exactly how I feel.

It is time to work through all of this stuff - slow but consistent.

Yes, eating healthy is my Junket for June.  It has to be if I can get myself to behave.