Among Friends

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]

[Snoopp]

I need advice; this is weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  When you lose a spouse, how do you pick up the pieces and go on?  How do you handle the grief, especially in the beginning?  Maybe these are questions that can’t be answered, but I’m hoping there are pearls of wisdom out there.

[Bird mama]

Hello @Snoopp   I think the grief and picking up the pieces process is as unique as the person who is doing the grieving and the picking up the pieces.

In a few months I will be a widow for 13 years.  I'll share my experience with you and underline specific details that I think were instrumental in helping me pick up the pieces. 

I was a single, independent working woman when I met my husband in my late 30's.  He was 18 years my senior.  I continued to work full time and he took early retirement near the end of the first year we were together.  We lived with my elderly dog Max (he was in the picture years before DH came along) and two birds that DH and I hand raised.

I was blindsided by my husband's death and part of me fractured.  I remember looking out of the window the morning after and seeing the winter sun start to rise.  I couldn't understand how world continued to rotate when my world had imploded and ended.

My dog loved my husband.  My male bird of the pair we raised loved my husband.  I may have screamed into a pillow until I coughed up blood that first night but when the sun came up, I had to act normal for the dog and birds.

My doctor put me on the first sick leave I ever had in the 26 years that I worked for the company.  He asked me to consider seeing a social worker he knew to help me navigate my grief.  I agreed, I loved my doctor.

I was born analytical and this was one time that my analytical mind worked for me outside of a work environment.

I thought myself into putting one foot in front of the other.  I thought myself into eating something when I wasn't hungry because if I didn't eat, I would get sick and who would take care of the dog and the birds.  They were my lifeline that kept me among the living.

Even though I was fractured, I had enough of my mind to know that I needed to balance all of the 'endings' like closing accounts, transferring ownership of the car, etc. with 'life affirming' activities like going to the pet food store and stocking up on the dogs food or remembering to feed the birds and squirrels in the back yard.

I know some of these things sound silly and run of the mill.  At that time I had to battle to do life affirming things because I didn't want to be here without him.

I didn't see the social worker for too long.  She said I had remarkable coping skills.  

After about 5 weeks (I think) my doctor said it was time for me to go back to work.  I suppose if my husband and I hadn't met each other at work, that might have been a good idea   When I first went back I saw him practically everywhere (not his spirit, just memories). 

There is something to be said for re-establishing a routine.  I picked up the pieces as far as functioning day to day because I had a dog and two birds depending on me.  I did it because there was no other option.  I had a house payment and was not eligible for any kind of retirement until the age of 55.  

Now, when it comes to going on as far as possibly marrying again?  Some might say that I didn't make progress in that area. 

I was single for a long time before I met him and married.  Yes he was a good man.  When he died, the pain was so all consuming I knew I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again. 

[geezerette]

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@Snoopp wrote:

I need advice; this is weighing heavily on my heart and mind.  When you lose a spouse, how do you pick up the pieces and go on?  How do you handle the grief, especially in the beginning?  Maybe these are questions that can’t be answered, but I’m hoping there are pearls of wisdom out there.

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@Snoopp 

I'm afraid I have no pearls of wisdom for you.  Everyone deals with it differently.  And I don't think people really "handle" the grief at first, at least I didn't.  There is normally so much going on at that point, and so much emotion that it's just sort of overwhelming.  Life is rather surreal.  "This can't be happening" keeps running through your head.

It's a slow process, but life begins to slow down.  Affairs get settled, new routines begin.  It's not a pleasant process, but every once in a while you forget for just a minute.  Then, for five minutes.  Then you start to laugh at something.  The ache is still there.  It never goes away.  But it does eventually becomes less strangling, less uncontrollable.  

How do you move on?  You have no choice.  Life drags you along, whether you want to go or not.  Of course, having family and friends, and even pets that require your attention help.  They have their own grief and need to be consoled too.  The electric bill still needs to be paid, the car still needs gas, the dog has to be walked no matter how bad you may feel.  And soon, family and friends will start coming back to you with their own problems.  Oh, at first, you'll think how petty their complaints may be compared to what you're going through.  But soon, you realize they need you.  And you get more immersed in others' lives and their problems.  Step by step, day by day.  My motto was (and often still is) "Fake it until you make it".

That's not to say that you don't continue to have perfectly awful days, and more so, nights.  My husband passed eighteen months ago.  We had been together for almost 50 years, many of those years all day, every day.  We were intertwined.  When he died, I thought at first he had taken my heart with him.  But that wasn't possible because it still hurt so much.  Every day I miss him, every night I pray to be strong enough to handle this life without him.  I dread having to turn the tv off to try and sleep because then the house is quiet and all I can hear is my own beating heart.   If I'm lucky, I'll get four or five hours of sleep.  Then I wake to that same quiet house.   But soon the cat is crying for breakfast, I get a text from my friend with a new joke or problem, and my day has begun--whether I want it to or not.

Even after all these months I still can't believe he isn't here.  Sometimes I'm mad at him for leaving.  Sometimes I know he wouldn't be doing things the way I am.  And sometimes I hear him in my head with his little sayings and advice. Maybe that's what people mean when they say that he'll always be with me.

My life is different now and I can function adequately, but I still can't accept that he is gone forever.  And I'll never understand why he was taken before me.  But in my heart I know we will meet again and that's what I try to hold onto.  We're on the same path, he just got ahead of me and is waiting up yonder around the bend.

❤️🕊🙏

[geezerette]

@Bird mama 

❤️

[Bird mama]

@geezerette   

[Bird mama]

I agree with @geezerette.  One day something on TV struck me so funny that I started to laugh and for a minute there I didn't know what that noise was.  It then dawned on me that I was making that noise.

When my husband died and I was destroyed my sister and her husband were asked who should be called to comfort me.  Who was the strong one in the family that held everyone together.  Bless my brother in law.  He told the guy, we have a problem, she is the rock in the family.