Among Friends

[shortbreadlover]

my friend had all the arrangements made.  she even had her clothes picked out.  she was to be buried next to her husband.  but i am okay wit what happened.  her daughter will have to live with this.

[Financialgrl]

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@Daisy Sunflower wrote:

I wouldn't get involved or hold a memorial service or anything like that. You don't really know what went on and what was discussed within the family. Plans could have changed.

When I die, I told my family that I don't want any kind of service. Cremate me and that's it.

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I agree; however, something can be done very informally.  In the past I've been invited to a couple very informal/impromptu luncheons to raise a glass of wine to honor the deceased. Usually only a handful of ppl show bc it's attended by those that knew her via some particular group (coworkers, church family, neighbors, etc).    

[Marp]

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@GCR18 wrote:

At this point, you have to assume the daughter handled things the way her mother wanted.  You'll never know what conversations were had between mother and daughter. You have your memories of the good times with your friend.

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You are so right.  My BFF of more than 40 years recently passed.  She had all her arrangements made and prepaid but as the end neared she had a change of heart and did not want any viewing, services, obituary--nothing.  She said she "wanted to be remembered the way she was not the way she is".

[NYC Susan]

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@Marp wrote:

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@GCR18 wrote:

At this point, you have to assume the daughter handled things the way her mother wanted.  You'll never know what conversations were had between mother and daughter. You have your memories of the good times with your friend.

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You are so right.  My BFF of more than 40 years recently passed.  She had all her arrangements made and prepaid but as the end neared she had a change of heart and did not want any viewing, services, obituary--nothing.  She said she "wanted to be remembered the way she was not the way she is".

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Having a change of heart is pretty common.  As is not sharing every personal decision with every friend.  I would assume the daughter did as the mother requested, and not jump to conclusions.  Especially negative conclusions about a daughter who just lost her mother.

[NYC Susan]

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@shortbreadlover wrote:

my friend had all the arrangements made.  she even had her clothes picked out.  she was to be buried next to her husband.  but i am okay wit what happened.  her daughter will have to live with this.

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You say you're "okay with what happened", but apparently you're not because you started a thread about it.  

(It's entirely possible that the daughter did exactly what her mother wanted, and is not living with any kind of guilt about doing something nefarious.)

[chiclet]

After one dies what does anything really matter.  What counts is how you are treated or how you treat when alive.  I remember growing up in the south a funeral was a big deal and people would go to funerals if they knew someone who knew the person.  Also they would drag it out for days.  I think the idea was when you attended someone's funeral, their family would come to yours and the more people there, the more you were percieved to be liked or loved.  Then there was the talk of what people wore, cost of casket,  and how many flowers and picking apart what was said by the person preaching the funeral.