"You need to learn to relax"... what does that eve... - Page 2

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

I'd say, it's time to get off the treadmill of working. Get some hobbies, do some things you want to do on your own time clock. No one else's treadmill.

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

@house_cat wrote:
On the outside, I'm a calm person. All but my closest friends see me that way, but underneath I'm a mess of nervous energy. I take everything seriously and always go above and beyond in anything I do. That's exhausting. My husband is constantly telling me, "You need to learn to relax"... especially now that I'm retiring. The problem is that I don't even know what that means. I don't know what relaxation looks like.

Help!
I'd love to know what "relaxing" means to you?

Learn to slow the roll. Take it down a notch. Learn to say no. Set boundaries. Stop being a people pleaser.

Why in the world are you taking 5 pans of ziti and cookies to a block party? Are you feeding them all? Isn't anyone else bringing anything? Why not 1 pan + cookies or 2 pans and no cookies and rely on others to do their share?

Why is everything your responsibility?

Are you trying to gain friends with by doing so much?

Who are you trying to impress?

Sadly, it took me until retirement to change drop my Type A and people-pleasing style. I wish I'd done it sooner. I now relax by mowing the yard, gardening, reading, going out with friends, walking my dog, joining a prayer group, continuing to be part of a card group, praying, etc etc.

I'm the oldest of 7 kids and have been responsible for everything since I was 8-9 years old. We were dirt poor and couldn't afford much. I cooked, cleaned, babysat, etc because Mom and Dad both worked and my siblings have expected me to take the lead in everything since.

I became POA/guardian for my disabled sister 5 years ago when Dad could no longer do it. She abused me day after day after day and I took it because I was supposed to be the responsible one. We had the court name a 3rd party to be her conservator 3 months ago and my stress level is near zero now. As we work on our future relationship, there will be all new boundaries.

I now take care of my 90 yr old dad. I love every minute of it and I consider it to be relaxing. We laugh and talk while we order his groceries, go to and from dr appointments, run errands, cook, and just visit. He's the smartest person I've ever met and I love all that he still continues to teach me. Spending time with him is easy.

I now don't do what I don't want to and I do what I want. I'd rather play with my dog or see friends than clean and work hard. It's quite enjoyable.

Gorgf · ‎03-10-2010

The young people used to say "CHILL"

Besides aging ,my Blood Pressure goes up. It was the same when I

lost 30 lbs so I stress.Right now this Forum has me scrolling down for pages upon pages of Christmas in July titles. I need to quit and come back which helps my stress in general. I also am my worst critic which doesn't help.

"Control what you can and let the rest go" " Positive Self Talk.." "Change the scenery" Talking it out"

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@house_cat wrote:
On the outside, I'm a calm person. All but my closest friends see me that way, but underneath I'm a mess of nervous energy. I take everything seriously and always go above and beyond in anything I do. That's exhausting. My husband is constantly telling me, "You need to learn to relax"... especially now that I'm retiring. The problem is that I don't even know what that means. I don't know what relaxation looks like.

Help!
I'd love to know what "relaxing" means to you?

BTW: I'll have to get back to this thread tomorrow, because I'm about to bring 4 dozen cupcakes and 5 trays of baked ziti outside for our block party. I apologize if I don't respond to your posts right away.
Thank you.

@house_cat Relaxing to me meant taking more time to do "quiet things" that I love.

I'm lucky that I paint, love to read, just sit quietly and meditate breathing deeply. The best is having a ME day. I like a long bath, do my mani/pedi and maybe an afternoon snooze.

I've also learned to say NO and not accept the responsibility to do anything for family, neighbors or clients that would make me feel on a tight schedule, rushed or more busy than I'd like.

I make sure that relaxation is scheduled, too.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@Bri369 I love this reply. Managing stress can save your life. So many health issues pop up when we're always on the edge of anxiety.

house_cat · ‎03-09-2010

Thanks, everyone. Your words of advice are very thoughtful and welcomed.

I have quiet hobbies like reading, crocheting, jigsaw puzzling, writing, drawing... but I never seem to get to them because there's always something I feel I've got to do first. I love to read and do read a lot, but I can't recall ever sitting down in the daytime to read for pleasure's sake. I read in bed at night after everything else is done.

I need to work on that. Someone mentioned "scheduling relaxation time". I've never thought of that, but I'm going to give it a go.

The block party was nice. I left one of the trays in the house and at the end of the night I froze it for my family to enjoy one coming Sunday. We were a lot of people and the other trays were mostly gobbled up - what was left was taken home by a neighbor and I was very happy to see it go, lol.

It's hard to lose the mindset of being productive every minute. I'm hoping now that I'll have more free time I'll be able to drop some old habits. I'm going to work on being more mindful and try to live in the moment, rather than always planning my next step.

Anyway, thanks for listening and, as usual, thanks for all the good advice.

~ house cat ~

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

You know what relax means. You just don't want to based on that humongous amount of food you are making for a neighborhood event. You don't have to do all that, it's not required and it's a lot. But you WANT to do it. It sounds like you have a Type A personality and you thrive on movement, action, multitasking, competition. That's who you are and if it isn't creating any problems for you, shouldn't try to change just because your husband thinks you should. I'm sure he means well and from the outside it appears to him that you what he defines as relaxation. My guess is frosting 4 dozen cup cakes is quite relaxing for you. Just be yourself and do what makes you happy.

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

I am currently living with some horrific stressors. My husband with Alzheimer's had a stroke and is in a very expensive but very good health care facility. My 100 year old mother is dying. She's on Hospice and I await the call at any moment. My beagle has soft tissue sarcoma and is terminal. People tell me to relax and take care of myself. I know that advice is well-intentioned but it really is easier said than done. I try to find quiet time at home. I read, watch old movies (saw Barry Lyndon last night), talk and text to my friends, and do puzzles to focus my mind elsewhere. And then there's Zoloft.

teganslaw · ‎03-11-2010

@sunshine45 I like all your suggestions. Love spending time alone with a good book, watching favorite programs and NFL games and (in my case) playing World of Warcraft, getting together with friends for lunch or drinks. Well, maybe watching NFL isn't always relaxing LOL.

Cooking-don't do it much, as I never cared for it. My husband does most of the cooking, or we get take out.

"The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."

Mark Twain

hckynutjohn · ‎06-15-2015

@house_cat

For me relaxing can mean many different things. I think the "majority" view relaxing, as doing nothing physically or mentally. That is not my view of how I, am doing things physically, while relaxing.

Anything I thoroughly enjoy doing, physically and/or mentally, can for me be relaxing. I didn't need go learn this, it is the way I have viewed most of my adult life.

My love of ice skating, which in my way of skating, is hard physical work. At the same time I also feel it as relaxing both body and mind.

I gave up many decades ago giving a rats behind what anyone thinks of me. I live my life my way, and if it is the opposite of theirs? Why would I care? I don't.

Throughout my life, having no concern about things over which I have no control, has made everyday life, easier to always be mentally calm.

When I retired I didn't have to change my life one bit, other than gaining the 10 hours, 5 days a week, when I was governed by a Time Clock. Now I do whatever I choose to do, and at anytime I decide to do so.

Those that retire after living exclusively their work/professional life! My co-workers that retired after work being their only focus on life, are the ones lost on what to do with myself now!

hckynut 🇺🇸

hckynut(john)