Among Friends

[hckynut]

@Icegoddess 

Sounds like yet another male that went from "mommy" to "wifey"! I was taught at a very young age by my mother: "put things where you found them/you dirty them, you clean them(including clothes)/you break them you save and replace them"  I could list many other things, but I think I've made my point.

My wife is gone for weeks at a time with her In-home Pet Sitting Business. She is gone now and it is an 8 day job. When she comes home she will find her dirty clothes washed and dried, and our home and patio room, pretty much the same as when she left.

I listened to my co-workers(all male for 30 of my 33 years) **itch and complain about "wifey" not doing this, forgetting something in their lunch, and on and on and on. My comment? You don't like it, do it yourself, I do. And then many of my "married hockey players", my "wifey" forgot to put XYZ in my hockey bag, sometimes blame her when their ice skates aren't there. I say, "really"? 

Got hundreds of stories, but hey!  If you like doing these things for your spouse? Be my guest, I do some for my wife, not "wifey/mommy".

hckynut

[Lilysmom]

@Icegoddess , I totally get the microwave thing!!!  LM

[bewise]

Maybe,just maybe,when you have lost your guy,you will wish he were there to make that mess,just saying!

[Shanus]

@hckynut   You go, John! 

[Icegoddess]

@hckynut, actually he was a confirmed bachelor.  He was 50 and never married when we got married, so I guess you could say he was set in his ways.  

He does his own laundry, and I do mine.  We have separate vanities, so there's not a fight there. We do share the bathroom, but since I never take tub baths I leave the tub to him to clean.  I wipe down the shower after I'm done, but it's to no avail if he turns around and showers later since he won't wipe it down.  

But, for the ones trying to shame me for wanting a little alone time, I'm not buying it.  The fact that I enjoy time away from my husband does not make our relationship any less than theirs.  

[NYC Susan]

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@Azcowgirl wrote:

My DH was kind of a “ blank slate” so to speak, because he was bounced around different foster homes as a kid, so he didn’t really know much about a home life etc. He knows how important it is to me so he is a sweetie about picking up after himself for the most part. 🥰

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That's because he cares about you enough to be considerate.  And that's as it should be.  :-)

[NYC Susan]

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@Cakers3 wrote:

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@alicedee wrote:

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@dex wrote:

@Icegoddess I get it.My dh is very messy too.His mom never thought men should have to clean up behind themselves and he has committed to that.

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These are the same men who carry that mentality into the workplace.  I worked in offices for over 40 years.  There was always a break room/kitchen.  The men NEVER wiped up a spill, started another pot of coffee when they took the last cup (or left a fraction of an ounce still on the burner), washed a dish or cup, cleaned their old food out of the refrigerator, or replaced a used up toilet paper roll in the staff bathroom.

I sometimes dreamed of leaving big notes around, saying "Your mother doesn't work here.....clean up after yourself."  

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@alicedee   I have seen that over and over and over again and I still find that phrase wrong on several levels.

It isn't up to just mothers to clean.

And it certainly isn't the fault of only mothers if grown men cannot clean up after themselves.

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That was was exactly my reaction too.

[NYC Susan]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

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@Carmie wrote:

I don't get the man bashing.  It's not nice and the statements aren't true.  All men are not alike.

It's a generational thing.  These are older people who have bought into the idea that the house cleaning is woman's work and men shouldn't be expected to clean up after themselves.  My parents would be in their 90's if they were alive and my mother would be having this same type of conversation.  "he messes up my nice clean kitchen" or "he doesn't put things away where they belong".  Hubby and I are in our late 50's,  my girls are in their 30's.  It's inconceivable to me that any of our husbands would make a mess in the kitchen or anywhere else in the house and just walk away expecting "she'll clean it up".  

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I agree, but only partly.  My parents never were so inconsiderate as to leave messes for the other.  Yes, there was more of a mentality of a kitchen being the woman's domain, but I never saw my Dad, my uncle, or any men I knew in that generation leave messes for women to clean up.  My Dad didn't cook very much, but if he made a sandwich, he cleaned up after himself.  And if a newspaper was dropped on the floor, he didn't leave it for my Mom. He picked it up.  He put dishes and things away just as well as she did - He certainly knew where things belonged!  I don't think I knew any men back then who were any different.  (Just for reference, my Mom is in her late 80's, and my Dad would be in his 90's now.)

So yes, some of this is generational, but I saw more of what you're describing in my grandparents' generation.  But even then, although cooking and cleaning were clearly my grandmothers' "job", my grandfathers pitched in too.  One of my grandfathers even cooked pretty often.  So I think it comes down to being considerate.

I really hate the stereotype of men as bumbling idiots who can't put a pot away properly.  And the whole "boys will be boys" mentality - They're all alike, they all cheat, they're all slobs, this is just how they are, etc.  There are many, many fine, intelligent, considerate and wonderful men who act like adults and treat their partners with respect.

[NYC Susan]

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@Shanus wrote:

It's all in the upbringing...no generalizations, please. My DH  who is 75, helped his Mom growing up wash dishes after dinner and learned to do his own laundry, etc. before leaving for college.

For 50 years, he's always helped around the house...some days doing more than me. It's give and take. Who has more time? So not to inflict my DIL w/ a slob, I taught my son how to pick up after himself, help w/ kitchen duties, laundry, etc. My DIL called after a month of marriage to thank me.

I don't think it's generational. DH is 75, son is 47. It's what's learned at home while growing up. 

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I agree!  I just wrote a long post about this, but you said it much better.  And with fewer words!

My husband came from a family of boys, and they were all taught how to do laundry, etc, at a young age.  Our marriage was truly a partnership.  And we brought up our children (boys and girls) the same way.  No one ever had the expectation of being catered to by a spouse.  

[NYC Susan]

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@Icegoddess wrote:

@PINKdogWOOD, to be clear, I was not the one that made that comment about about me not being his mother.  I would never say that.

Also, to others in general, I was not man bashing.  

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I can't speak for anyone else, but when I commented about man bashing, I wasn't referring to you.  I was referring to comments made by other posters.