Among Friends

[ECBG]

So sorry for anyone trying to navigate something that tears their heart apart.

It would seem that the visits suggested here would be prudent.  On the other hand, I'm sure that you have gone back-many times? and yet, your feelings remain the same.  I'm wondering what it is that draws the child that wants to return?  If it's friends, they go off to college and many live where the career openings take them.  If the person they want to spend their life with is there, that's different.

As you age, where do you wish to be.  Children get educated and go where the position and opertunity calls.  If you're religious, is the other location where you're happy?  

Have you made your husband aware that your present location wasn't working for you during the 10 years?

Having counciled so many former students throughout their life time, I would suggest this to help you clear your mind.  

Take a full sheet of paper or legal pad.

Fold it in the center vertically.

Label one side Advantages Staying In.....  

Label the other side Advantages Of Moving To..........

After you get all of your thoughts itemized, read through the list and think.

The next day, read the list.  

On each side mark out the least important item on each side.

Mark out the least important item from each side again.

Repeat the process untill only 4 or 5 are left for each side.

There is your true problem.

Those are the points to present to your husband.

Good luck.  You're definately in my prayers.

[Shanus]

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@stevieb wrote:

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@chrystaltree wrote:

I'm with your husband on this.  It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids.  You children are adults not kids.  Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years.  Your desires shouldn't come before his.  I think he's the one on firm ground here.  I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago.  You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't.  It's too late now.

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No, it's not too late now. And who's to say whose wishes came first then or come first now. It's a complicated situation and there's no easy answer, least of all just proclaming that it's too late... 

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No 1 person in a marriage should ever feel "stuck" while the other is happy & unwilling to listen to reason. The kids at 19 & 21 should not really be a consideration since by the time plans are made, they should/would be on their own. If the husband agreed to move back if you gave it a good try & weren't happy, was there a time limit? Did you wake up one morning not happy there or has this been a topic of discussion or arguement for some time? 

A happy marriage is when both partners want what's best for each other. The husband just can't dig in his heels & say No. 

I think counseling would help them both understand each other's point of view on moving....open up a dialogue w/ a third party.

[Mominohio]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

I'm with your husband on this.  It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids.  You children are adults not kids.  Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years.  Your desires shouldn't come before his.  I think he's the one on firm ground here.  I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago.  You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't.  It's too late now.

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I totally disagree with this. Marriage is often a series of compromises. She did 10 years in a place she doesn't want to be and going 'home' for good reason, to be with family.

He put it out there, that if she wasn't happy, they would re evaluate and come back home. He lied, flat out. Half of the family wants one thing, and the other half wants something else. There needs to be more than him putting his foot down and refusing. 

I realize he is most likely the breadwinner, and finances need to be considered very highly, but he really isn't honoring his word or his family, not considering some kind of compromise (like moving part way home to be closer, or letting her live part of the year back home etc.)

[Mustang Shar]

Yes, I agree that you should start budgeting to make several trips back home every year. Hubby isn't having it, nope, he wants what HE wants.

Perhaps he doesn't want to take care of aging family members. I took care of my Mom, on my own. My brother lives 2000 miles away, how convenient. It was very emotional and difficult. Maybe that's why it is easier for me to say, just find some happiness, find a balance, it works. 

Look, you love your job-that's great! So many hate their jobs and everyday is awful. Love your job, take time to visit back home often and try to forgive your husband. You CAN find happiness this way, count your blessings. Hugs

[ROMARY]

I believe O/P said that her DH is still working (?).  If so, it might be tough to drop that job, unless he obtains a transfer up north.   .............   Slightly off topic:   Years and years and years ago, when I was dating, I recall ending a semi-serious relationship only because he wanted me to move thousands of miles away.  I said (in a nice way) that he either stays here, or the relationship ends.  He left, and I'm glad that I didn't follow him here and there.  I heard that he had moved around here and there, employment-wise. Missed out on some of his family life, etc.  Nice guy, though.  I'm sure that he's been happy living 'over there' and other places.  It was in his personality.

[lynbeechwood]

Thank you all for your responses. To answer some questions- yes through the years I have brought up my desires to move back . He will get upset and say"ok then plan it all out- where we will live- where you will work etc" and then he will add in that he will be very unhappy. --

I have tried to adjust to living here- I really have but my heart just longs to go back. We go back twice a year every year--- one visit is during the holidays and one visit is during the summer. He doesnt go with me during the summer.

Again, I am torn because one child will not want to go even though he is dependant on me for finances and because I dont want to leave him. So do I live the rest of my life here unhappy-- going through the motions of every day life.

My husband does not work in an office he is home based-- and travels to where clients need him which requires flying to different states. 

The most ironic part of this is that by moving we would also be closer to his family which is hard on ME-- but I am even willing to bear the brunt of the stress that they bring on -- in order to go back.

Im just so sad that I ever entertained this idea- I would have never done this had I known. I thought the 4 of us would grow closer and that he would be able to be with us more but I dont think that has even happened. 

[Isobel Archer]

OK as I understand this:  He could easily move back, but doesn't want to - despite promising you that he would if you didn't like the current location.  If you force the issue, he might do it, but he "would be very unhappy" - which means you would suffer too.

So it looks like you will be unhappy if you stay and unhappy if you make him move.  Than there's your son.

Apparently, you have made your feelings known and they have been disregarded by both your husband and son - or at least not considered to be important enough for any compromise.

So since it seems unlikely that you will change their minds, you have to decide what to do.  I recommend counseling - joint if possible, single if not.  It there are deeper issues here, the counselor can help you address them.

[ccassaday]

You have the power to be unhappy or not. Why not make a compromise and go on extrnddd visits back there. Take the money you would use to move and use it to have some vacations there.

[Plaid Pants2]

If moving back is really that important to the o/p, and the husband won't budge, then she should divorce him.

Or, they can agree to live separately.

[ROMARY]

After many 'vacations' away up North:  Living semi-separately might eventually be a good idea.  Since he moves around in his job (travel) and probably doesn't spend a great deal of time at home, anyway.  If finances permit, I'd probably live semi-separately, and also emphasize that I just might return at a moment's notice, if and when I decide (to).