help me -move? - Page 2

henderson · ‎03-18-2010

So your husband is working in Texas? Will he have to find a new job where you want to move?

Katcat1 · ‎07-21-2011

@lynbeechwood, It's obvious to me that you miss home and this natural. I lived in San Francisco for 4-1/2 years and I could not wait to get back to the Midwest on solid ground. Yes, it would be nice for you to be near family especially if they are getting older. However, if your husband won't budge what else can you do? You are in a tight position and I really feel for you. i always liked the Midwest and East coast over the West and South. Good luck.

kindness is strength

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
I'm with your husband on this. It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids. You children are adults not kids. Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years. Your desires shouldn't come before his. I think he's the one on firm ground here. I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago. You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't. It's too late now.

No, it's not too late now. And who's to say whose wishes came first then or come first now. It's a complicated situation and there's no easy answer, least of all just proclaming that it's too late...

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

I think you failed to hammer out the agreement 10 years ago when you moved to Texas. YOu said that you both agreed that if "We" were not happy after giving it a try we would move back. You failed to clarify what would occur if one of you was happy but the other one was not. I think that your DH is reneging on the deal but the terms were not clear to start with.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
I'm with your husband on this. It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids. You children are adults not kids. Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years. Your desires shouldn't come before his. I think he's the one on firm ground here. I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago. You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't. It's too late now.

Errrrr (wrong answer buzzer).

A. Why shouldn't her desires come before his?

He had agreed to give it a try and would go back.

Just because he's happy, she should should clam up? (OMGosh---coming from you!)

She hasn't made it a secret she wants to go back. She's even talked of aging parents/family.

He doesn't seem to give a hoot (my take on it, anyway). So that's how much of a 'family' man he is.

If they've been in TX ten years---that's about the same time they were on the East Coast--if the kids are now 19 and 21. So, they're both about 'even' with where they've been planted in both places.

If he cares enough about his marriage and his wife, he'll listen to her and they'll be able to reach some sort of agreement where they'll both be happy.

It may or may not be together though. Marriage is 50/50.

I'd never say 'it's too late now' and can't believe you did.

ROMARY · ‎04-28-2010

I think that your best bet (right now) is to fly up north as much as you can. Vacations, leave of absences, whatever else that's available. Be there as much as you can this year and the next years. That way, you can get a true 'feel' of what's happening, family, etc. Try to include your hubby, but if he's not available because of his work, then go alone. The best of luck to you. I do think that things will eventually fall into place. Maybe not right now, but eventually.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).

homedecor1 · ‎03-09-2010

@lynbeechwood

I feel your pain! I moved (retired early) after years of "nagging me FL was paradise" UGH...I said yes, it is weather wise!

Im in the same situation except I came my kids were grown & self-sufficient BUT along came grandchild...

I can only say from my experience: spouse loves it here - house on golf course, golfs, beaches, no snow & perfectly content in his lifestyle! This is what he dreamed of after 40 years of working!!!

I on the the other hand: miss family everyday interactions, fun

times w/GD, & more! I haven't made many friends like the kind I have at home (just acquaintances) and was much too young to retire! I don't golf but I volunteer, travel, keep active in my own way, yet something is "missing".

We have gone round & round everyday about it. Actually, I think he just tunes me out after all these years! I never thought the move out entirely!

I decided thanks to great airfare - just book a trip home. He has no desire to go! I stay 10 days usually (every 2 months) but to be honest, the first 3-4 days are heaven - after this the "family" & "friends" are off doing their life!!! You'd be surprised how lives & things change - you may not be missing as much as you think!

Of course, I travel home for holidays, special occasions, etc. that are important to me! He has no problem with being alone holidays (he figures it out) at first I felt bad but not anymore ! After 40+ years we realize we have different lifestyles ...it works for us!

Perhaps you could travel home periodically & visit. Unless, aging parents need you that's a different situation (one that we don't have).

My perfect dreamlife life would be being a "snowbird". All I can say is thank god for Skype!!!

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@stevieb wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
I'm with your husband on this. It would be different if you wanted go back after a year or two after 10 years, Texas is now home to your husband one of the kids. You children are adults not kids. Your husband is happy, he's settled in and content where he is after 10 years. Your desires shouldn't come before his. I think he's the one on firm ground here. I suspect that you never really bought into to the move, you caved in to what he wanted 10 years ago. You didn't stand up for yourself then and tell the truth...no I don't want to move and I won't. It's too late now.
No, it's not too late now. And who's to say whose wishes came first then or come first now. It's a complicated situation and there's no easy answer, least of all just proclaming that it's too late...

I agree that it's not too late.

I wouldn't be hard on the OP. We don't know how hard she stood up for herself 10 years ago, or much else about the circumstances then. It sounds to me as though she tried to be fair, and gave it a chance. She was willing to compromise, but now he's not. It's a dilemma for sure, but it's certainly not too late.

alicedee · ‎07-25-2010

@lynbeechwood I'm wondering if your husband does not want to have to help care for aging family members, and thats why he resists moving back?

It doesn't sound right to me that he be the person allowed to totally call the shots on this situation. I would not allow my deep desires and needs to be ignored. if he could provide me with compelling reasons for staying....and assure me he would meet my need by helping ensure I could go back frequently for visits....then I would probably agree to stay. But if his compelling reason is "I like it better here"....then you have to decide if and why his likes are more important than yours.

Life is too short to spend it filled with resentment. I would suggest counseling....but if he won't go, go by yourself. And as others have said....use your time off to fly back for visits. I hope you can come to an amicable solution.