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Honored Contributor
Posts: 43,470
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

"7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

[ Edited ]
I read this and thought it was really good.  I wish I had it when I was teaching for one of my courses.
 
From a Wellness dot com Blog
 
7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me
BY GARY ROE
 
 

"Carcinoma."

All the other words the doctor said before this paled. It was this last word that mattered.

We thought it was just a lesion. After all, our son (Aaron) was 15. Yeah, some kids develop cancer, but not ours. That happens to other people.

The next 3 months were a blur. Phone calls. Emails. Appointments. Exams. Scans and blood work. Surgery. And, because of where we live, all of this was 2 hours away. Back and forth, again and again.

Amid this was all the usual stuff. Other kids. School. Work. Relationships. Jen and I tried to keep things as "normal" as possible, while in our hearts and minds life was anything but routine.

One day, Aaron was having his teeth cleaned, and then a month later he has a hole in the roof of his mouth a little larger than a golf ball.

About 3 weeks after surgery we got the official "all clear." Tumor gone. No evidence of cancer anywhere else. No radiation or chemo. Just vigilance and regular follow-ups over the next 5 years.

Phew.

We began to breathe again, and to relax a little. Then we crashed. The months of hyper-alert, adrenaline-laced living had taken its toll. Our minds finally began to process all that happened.

Reflecting on it all, here are some of the big things we learned, courtesy of cancer.

1. We are not in control.

We didn't see this coming. No one did. According to doctors, we couldn't have stopped it even if we had known. If not for an observant dental hygienist, we would still be clueless about that sneaky, slow-growing killer.

 I have influence, but not control. 

2. Bad stuff happens.

We knew this already, but we never expected this version of it. A teenager? Our teenager? Why him? Why us? Why this? On top of everything else, it was discovered in mid-August, one week before school started. Needless to say, his semester was challenging. Why now?

3. The past is powerful.

Aaron's biological father died of pancreatic cancer. The c-word carries extra weight and terror in our household. Aaron's tumor triggered a cascade of emotions and fears. When a tragedy happens, it burns a deep pathway in our brains. When something similar looms in upon us, we naturally expect the same catastrophic result. 

4. Good stuff can come out of bad stuff.

In the midst of the whirlwind, we met wonderful people - doctors, nurses, assistants, other patients, etc. Prayer and emotional support flowed in from every sector. Little stuff got swallowed by the truly important stuff. A new focus on love, kindness, and goodness naturally emerged. Aaron grew. We all did. 

5. Hope is essential.

Yes, we were concerned. Okay, we were worried, even terrified at times. But we were hopeful.

This was a deliberate choice. We coached ourselves in this. In all the uncertainty, we intentionally kept returning to what we knew was true - about life, about our family, and about love. 

6. Treat others like we want to be treated.

This process wasn’t smooth. Some things fell through the cracks. We got angry and frustrated at times.

We had to coach ourselves here too. Remain calm. Don't react, but respond. Be kind. Be respectful. Be compassionate. We focused on treating others the way we would want to be treated, and it came back to us, over and over again.  

7. One step at a time.

The temptation was to think ahead and wonder. We kept coming back to this - "Breathe. One step at a time." The next phone call, appointment, or test. The next teacher conference, email, or meeting. The next thing on our plate, whatever that was. One step, one moment at a time.  

As I look back over this list, I have to laugh. We knew all this before, but we seem to wander from it in daily life. Busy-ness dilutes our focus. Things like cancer bring us back to what's important and non-negotiable.

Because of my work as a hospice chaplain and grief counselor, I'm aware that our cancer road, though difficult, was smooth compared to many other journeys out there - perhaps even yours. I'm encouraged by the fact that, though our journeys are different, we can walk together. And the 7 things above apply to us all.

You are not in control. Bad stuff will happen from time to time. Be aware of the power of your past. Look for the good stuff amidst the obstacles. Hold on to hope and nurture it. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Handle the tough stuff one step, one thing, at a time.

The road is bumpy. The journey is challenging. Travel light.

To learn more about Gary Roe and his work with grief and healing after loss, visitwww garyroe com. To receive a free excerpt of his new book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts, 

 

****edited to remove links to other sites

 
 
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,295
Registered: ‎03-27-2010

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

@ECBG Thanks for the share.  I think as we progress through life we come to these realizations.  How we integrate this knowledge into our lives, is an individual matter and what makes the difference in how we chose to live our lives.  Glad this article had a happy ending, both for the young boy and how the impact of this challenge changed their lives as a family.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,255
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

Thanks for sharing, for those of us who have gone through this and are going through this and will go through this.   

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,813
Registered: ‎03-17-2010

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

@ECBG quite poignant, very true.  Five years ago I personally heard the same words(about me, not a child). It's like you're in a dream.  You back into yourself as you're listening and realize you're alone and you're not all at the same time because you need help from others.

The rush of emotions, lifetimes passing through your head as you think of what you haven't done that you need and want to do.  And the where is this all going to go in the end thing- The waiting game, if that doens't kill you first, nothing will.

Every word they say is true.  

In the end probably one of the greatest lessons learned (for me) - kindness counts.  You never know what is going on in sombody elses life, maybe they heard those words that day and your words can help.  Sometimes just a smile.  It goes for everyone, not just the family-Nurses, doctors, all people in the healthcare indistry including the janitors who clean (you have NO idea how important that job is).  

Family history counts, but so does your environment.  If you are predisposed to a mutation that is cancer related you are in danger.  If you lead an unhealthy lifestyle and don't care for yourself  both physically and mentally you put yourself in as much danger.  The latter is a choice we all make each day. 

In the end, be kind. It's as easy to say something pleasant as it is to be nasty. Caring counts and you get it back in the end.  Enjoy every day. 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,368
Registered: ‎03-30-2014

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

This is so true.  My kids are all fine, but I have/had two very different kinds of cancer and it does change your outlook for the better.  I have another scan coming up next week and so far I have ignored it.  Looking at today only and will be kind to all I meet since you never know.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 43,470
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

@JtdmumThank you for your beautifully written message.  I totally agree with you, especially after a career in teaching.  I had students who, unfortually, had some very difficult paths to walk.  I had chosen my major as well as that level because I felt I could make the largest impact and possibly help them make better choices.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,602
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

I just brought my husband home from the hospital after an amputation procedure on his foot.  The bacterial infection in his pressure ulcer went to the bone, so there was no other option.   

 

The 7 things listed here have applied to us every day for the 5 months of this journey.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,368
Registered: ‎03-30-2014

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"


@RedTop wrote:

I just brought my husband home from the hospital after an amputation procedure on his foot.  The bacterial infection in his pressure ulcer went to the bone, so there was no other option.   

 

The 7 things listed here have applied to us every day for the 5 months of this journey.


 @RedTop I have often liked the good sense you put out there with your posts and have seen how DH has struggled.  I send good wishes to him and hope that with the bad parts gone he will now heal and be more mobile.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,602
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

@Still Raining,

Thank you so much for your kindness!   Our struggles are a little easier to bear with kindness and the support of friends and family.   

Honored Contributor
Posts: 43,470
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

Re: "7 Things My Son's Cancer Taught Me"

@RedTopMy Goodness, I am SO sorry for the struggles you have both had to weather.  Please take care of yourselves and I will definately keep you in my prayers.