Among Friends

[Starpolisher]

After 48 years of marriage I'm  considering divorce.  I'm just not happy. Dh is a good man. Takes care of the yard, cars, house. Great at fixing things. A good father, grandfather and good provider. We just don't have anything in common. After both of us being retired for seven years, we hardly talk to each other, other than to take care of household things. It's getting  hard living with someone I can't talk to. I feel lonelier than if I was alone. The only time the house feels alive and normal is when the kids or grandkids are here. I can finally afford to live on my own, something I've never done before. Am I being foolish and impractical?  Is being happy overrated?(I'm  68, Dh is 70) I know of couples who live with him in one room watching tv and her in the other but I'm  just not happy. I'm also worried about the effect it will have on my Adult children and my young grandchildren. I know it will change the family dynamics. Especially, since family holiday dinners are at our house. I know ultimately only I can answer this question for me but I'd like to hear experiences from others who have left a long term marriage. Please no bashing or suggestions for  counseling or talking it out. He won't go to counseling and doesn't want to talk.

[Imaoldhippie]

Peace of mind is worth everything and happiness is right along side.

[Ainhisg]

Have you asked him about going to counseling?  I couldn't tell for sure from the way you worded your post.  I asked about counseling on these boards a year and a half ago.  I told my husband I was going to counseling to figure out what I wanted to do, and if he wanted to go along, I would check into couple's counseling, and if he didn't, then I was going to go by myself.  An impartial observer can often help guide us to sound decisions.  To my surprise, he said he would go, and counseling literally saved our marriage.  If you ask, and he won't go, I highly, HIGHLY advise going to counseling yourself before making such a life-changing decision--probably the biggest decision of your life.

[skincaremaven]

@Starpolisher  Perhaps get some counseling before making any decisions. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with others. As someone who has been through multiple divorces, I would not recommend it. If you increase your spirituality and interests, you may find you are happy.

I live alone and I am very content, but it took many years.

[50Mickey]

@Starpolisher    When people would write to Dear Abby with this type of question she would tell them to ask yourself "Are you better off living without your spouse or with your spouse?" Only you know the answer to this.  

[QVCkitty1]

Life is short, only you can decide how you want to spend the rest of yours.

[Shanus]

@Starpolisher   IMHO, you stated his good qualities which would outway living alone at almost 70. It's difficult to make new friends or have any social life at that age as a single woman.

I have a friend who moved out after 50 yrs, of marriage and she's sitting alone in her apartment except for doctor appts. and going to get groceries. 

If you think you feel lonely now....it could be worse.  You need things to do that make you happy no matter where you're living.

[Neetgal2]

IMHO, reading ALL your positives, at your age, I would stay married.  You seem to have more now than most young, married people have.  There are MANY older couples who are long married and in this situation.  Life is short and you need to think about your family also and how they will handle this.  

try to volunteer or find a hobby outside of the house.  Perhaps a walking group.

[kaydee50]

I have never been divorced and have been married almost 43 years.  Retiring is a big adjustment.  In your circumstances I would definitely stay in the marriage.  Seems to be many more pluses than minuses.  Get an active life outside of the marriage, i.e, volunteer, takes classes, etc.  

Being "happy" does not depend on another person. Make yourself happy in whatever circumstances you're in.  Unless you're leaving an abusive relationship, living alone is not all that great.

Good luck!

[CalminHeart]

There are ebbs and flows in every marriage. Both people contribute to the problem, especially after 48 years. What's your role in it? 

Get some counseling before you decide. However, if there is mental or physical abuse, run to a divorce attorney.

I was married a long time before kids and a long time after. Divorce was hard, really tough, on the kids and on me. I was lucky to have a large loving family, support from my parents, and a career that allowed me to keep the home and and finish raising the kids. 

I also found out how strong I really am. It wasn't fun going through it but I look back and realize I'm a whole lot stronger and smarter than I ever thought.