Re: Your Divorce? Was it more important to be Prac... - Page 9

golding76 · ‎05-19-2012

Starpolisher, I love your nickname. I read your post and understand your sense of loneliness. Because your feelings of pain and hurt are so sensitive, I hesitate to offer a response.

I've been a widow for nearly 21 years now, and I miss my husband deeply. I'm lonely at times even though I have children and a few friends still alive or well enough to talk and lead some sort of life.

Just consider this as an opinion from someone who misses her husband and wishes he were around, no matter what.

TRY TO STAY. TRY TO MAKE IT WORK.

If you can't bring yourself to do that, it is understandable.

bikerbabe · ‎03-09-2010

I hear your unhappiness and I’m sorry.

One comment caught my attention: you said you don’t have many outside interests because your sons were your life. I think this is a common problem for many women once their children are grown. They struggle with having an identity outside of motherhood. I hear your frustration with not being able to communicate better with your husband. I do think counseling could be beneficial for you if you go into with a hope of building your future, whatever that may look like, and not a guarantee to cure a relationship.

Silver Lining · ‎04-16-2010

@Starpolisher wrote:
After 48 years of marriage I'm considering divorce. I'm just not happy. Dh is a good man. Takes care of the yard, cars, house. Great at fixing things. A good father, grandfather and good provider. We just don't have anything in common. After both of us being retired for seven years, we hardly talk to each other, other than to take care of household things. It's getting hard living with someone I can't talk to. I feel lonelier than if I was alone. The only time the house feels alive and normal is when the kids or grandkids are here. I can finally afford to live on my own, something I've never done before. Am I being foolish and impractical? Is being happy overrated?(I'm 68, Dh is 70) I know of couples who live with him in one room watching tv and her in the other but I'm just not happy. I'm also worried about the effect it will have on my Adult children and my young grandchildren. I know it will change the family dynamics. Especially, since family holiday dinners are at our house. I know ultimately only I can answer this question for me but I'd like to hear experiences from others who have left a long term marriage. Please no bashing or suggestions for counseling or talking it out. He won't go to counseling and doesn't want to talk.

I think the real issue you have with your husband is something you can't discuss on this forum. It would be inappropriate and would be poofed.

I'll try to de!icately describe it. You want romance. Emotionally, lovingly, physically. Unfortunately, he doesn't, or can't. All is not lost for couples who are willing to go together to therapists to address that specific delimma. Of course, you said your husband won't go to counseling so I guess he would probably strongly and possibly angrily refuse. Maybe not.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@RetRN wrote:
@Shanus wrote:
I was watching a talk show and someone was saying this about a good marriage: "If you're married 50 yrs. and even if 10 of them weren't that great, you still have a good marriage". Nothing is perfect.
If that was actually said it is pathetic. No one in their right mind should tolerate being miserable for 10 years, life is too short.

@RetRN I remembered it was rabbi on the Today Show. I'm fairly sure he didn't mean 10 years in a row...Just taking the good with the bad...

Effie54 · ‎09-08-2010

I guess the majority states you should go to counseling, be happy for what you have, etc. But no one lived your life except you. I would rather be happy alone, than miserable with someone else. Even even if you were married 50 years, it doesn't mean that you have to stay with someone; there's no obligation...95% of the women on here are telling you to just stay. The minority will tell you to think smart. Men don't change.

wagirl · ‎03-09-2010

@Starpolisher ----I am 68, ex is 70 and we just went thru a divorce, and March 28 of this year, we were legally divorced. --I considerate that day my Independence day ----it was his idea and presented me with no reasons or options,or explanations why----we were married for 47 years but he had his own life that did not include me. We sold the house and got a ton of $$ that was split in 1/2 ----I paid for my part of the divorce, prob about $20,000. It took a solid year and more time for me to get all I was entitled to. It was a straight forward divorce as we have adult kids and no investments or property to fuss with. I live with my daughter now, which is great. Get yourself a very good attorney---I had a mediocre one and lost several thousand $$ as a result of her ineptitude. It will not be a friendly thing even if hubby assures you he won't throw you under a bus---I believed my ex and that's what he did to me. I am very content now--happy?? Not yet---but the not feeling hopeless and just plain angry all the time, is a huge load off my shoulders. It was a physical burden living that way--I had breast cancer 10 years ago and that kind of horrendous stress is not good for me. If you can afford to live on your own--then GO FOR IT!!! But research your head off first and talk to many lawyers before you find one. Good luck!!!

manny2 · ‎05-24-2010

@Starpolisher wrote:
As for all those who say counseling. I have very good friends who were married for 12 years. I have know them since we were kids. She was my best friend since fifth grade. He grew up in the neighborhood. They were high school sweethearts. They started to have problems in their marriage. Everyone was shocked, as we all thought they were the perfect couple. He refused to go to counseling. She went by herself. This is how she explained it to me. " I sat there crying and telling this stranger about my most intimate married life, while he handed me tissues and charged me $150 an hour."
They divorced! They were suppose to be my sons Godparents. That didn't happen. On the day of the Baptism , she was moving out of the house. He was busy taking 3 way light bulbs out of the lamps she was taking with her. No other woman or man was involved! Counseling does not always work!

Not every marriage can be saved @Starpolisher Counselling is only what you put into it. You have to be honest with the therapist.

You have to be willing to look inside yourself, and understand why you are so unhappy, and what you want either solo, or within the marriage. It's not easy.

You have to sit down with your husband and be really honest with him, and then ask him to go to couples therapy. If he isn't receptive, then go alone, and focus on you. That is all you can do.

Good Luck!

carlycat · ‎06-07-2010

It sounds to me like the OP has made up her mind and wants validation.

Divorce, especially after all that time, will be excruciating. But she won't find that out until it's too late.

Luvsmyfam · ‎11-26-2019

@Starpolisher Have you heard of the expression,the grass is always greener on the other side?trust me on this:you do not want to start over,because it is not easy!He doesnt abuse you,cheat on you,provides for you,are you crazy?Being alone is awful.I would much rather have a hubby who doesnt say much,or has not a whole lot incommon with me,then no husband at all.Thats my opionion

manny2 · ‎05-24-2010

@Starpolisher wrote:
@sweetee2 wrote:
I just have one question. Why is it his responsibility to make you happy? My husband has been retired for 3 years now. He's 73 and I'm 67. It has been horrible having him home, but am I unhappy no. I have many things I enjoy. I've been decorating for fall and Halloween. My roses are blooming again. The Hawks out in our big Pine tree we planted when we got married 49 years ago are teaching the babies to fly. It not others responsibility to make you happy.
I never said it was his responsibility to make me happy. I'm unhappy living in a house with someone I cannot talk to. I don't have many outside interests as my sons were my life. But I do have friends that I can talk to or do things with. However, for me that does not take the place of having a husband who from everything I read, even on here, should be your best friend and biggest supporter. When I tell him what I need from him, he pooh-poos it like it's not serious. I'm 68. I'm educated. I know I'm responsible for my own happiness. But living with someone you can rarely talk to is like living under a dark cloud.

Was he always like you describe @Starpolisher Just curious. Pooh-pooing what you need is very common in men. Especially older men unfamiliar with open communication.

I am not suggesting you stay in a miserable situation. I am just saying proceed with caution. This is a major decision not to be taken lightly.

I think you should sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us on this board. If he chooses to ignore the warning proceed with the therapy.

At least the therapist will help you unravel a lot of feelings you have, and even help you find the right path either way.

Therapy is not a cure, but the right therapist can make all the difference.