Would you take sister in??? - Page 5

GCR18 · ‎07-03-2013

I wouldn't get involved.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@jackkeepoo wrote:
I have an estranged sister that I haven't seen or talked to in many, many years that lives 4 hours away. She's elderly and her health is declining. She has managed somehow to alienate her 3 adult children so that she has no one to turn to for assistance in her remaining years. "She has sent a message" that she wants to come live in my town but knows she can't afford a nursing home/rest home. I think she might be hinting that she wants to come live with either me or my other sister. What is your take on this situation? It would totally turn our lives upside down, not to mention we are sisters in name only and have been since I was 5 years old when she ran away and got married. Just a bad situation all the way around.

@sarahpanda

What does your other sister say? .... If you are on speaking terms with her, surely you must have discussed this situation. Not sure how the "message" arrived, but clearly this was an ice breaker communication. Are you on speaking terms with her 3 adult children who don't speak to their mother? If so, what kind of information have they given you about the past several years?

If this elderly sister wanted to move, there's a whole world out there to choose from, so her selecting your city means she's looking to be someone's roommate.

You seem pretty neutral about this, but must have feelings one way or the other. This woman has had nothing in common with you for literally decades ... so I don't know why you would seriously consider opening your home so she could turn your lives upside down. So, If you need someone to tell you don't do it .... I volunteer: DON'T do it!

What I would do, as suggested upthread, is compile a list of agencies and phone numbers that deal with seniors so she can explore the resources out there. I would also speak to her adult children about their mother.

Good luck, and please stay strong. If she ends up in either home, you will never get her out until she passes.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

First of all it's hard for me to even imagine not speaking to either of my sisters, but if this was the situation I couldn't turn my back on my own blood.

When you say it would turn your lives *upside down*, is it because you are living happily ever after?

First of all, how is it she actually *sent a message she wants to move to your town*?

Could it be possible her 3 adult children don't want her because she isn't worth any money? (You say she can't afford a nursing home 'in your town')

How old was your other sister when this sister ran off and got married? Older than 5? (Obviously your siblings are spread apart in ages.) Would her life be totally turned upside down?

My heart would ache for a *missing/distant* sibling all these years. Regardless if their marriages don't work, kids disown their parents, etc. How horrible a person has she been to you?

I would reach out to her. I wouldn't care what your other sister thinks. If you two have formed an alliance all these years, maybe your other sister was afraid to approach either of you.

I would worry about a stranger, I couldn't turn my back on my own blood. At the very least, I'd reach out to her.

Katcat1 · ‎07-21-2011

Tell her to look into getting a subsidized apt. by HUD. The rent goes according to your income and medical bills. Also, there are nursing homes that will take people in that do not have the money. Medicare ends up paying for it, I believe but anyway, that option is out there. If she gets an apt. there is also help like nurses coming in or cleaning ladies. The help is out there she needs to do the footwork (calls, Internet, church, etc.).

kindness is strength

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
@ROMARY wrote:
O/P: I'd first look into gov. assistance facilities near your home. That is, if her adult children aren't addressing the issue. Call or walk into the facilities, ask questions to see whether or not she will qualify. In fact, to make it easier, those gov. handbooks for seniors would give you a few suggestions. Usually local senior community centers offices have them available. You'll be surprised at the options that are offered for folks that cannot afford to pay for it themselves.
O good heavens, I could not disagree more. It's none of her business and since she doesn't know anything about her sister's income or resoruces or what the sister wants or does not want; it would be meddling and her sister definitely would not appreciate it. She and the sister have been estranged for many, many years. Nothing good can happen for OP by entangling herself in a situation that is simply no concern of hers.

ITA. DO not get involved in this issue or you will be sucked in and find it difficult to extricate yourself from all your sister's issues. WHy isn't your sister making any effort to see what may be available in the way of services? DId she say why she wants to move to your town? DOes she have friends or family nearby? IF not then she is going to expect you to do all kinds of things for her. STay far away and do not take any action to encourage her.

Kachina624 · ‎03-10-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
It's not a bad situation at all. It's quite easy. I think you know that. You have no relationship with her, as you said, you have not seen or spoken to her in many years. Yes, she wants to move in with you because her own family won't have her. There are probably good reasons for that but even it there aren't, it's no concern of yours. You other sister can decide for herself. But your only consideration should be what this would do for you and for your own family and you already answered that. Don't fool yourself....if you let her move in, even on a trial basis.....you will be stuck with her.

@sarahpanda Remember, it's a lot easier to take her in than it would be to get rid of her if it doesn't work out.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment

luvdoodles · ‎06-19-2010

Just say NO. No need for excuses or explanations either. There are

elder services out there that can help her.

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

So when there is a family member who does not "deserve" help it's fine to turn her away.

Because after all, that is what the government is for right? To pay for people - all people - no matter what.

And the very same folks who advise against spending any personal money to help this sister/mother, would expect the government to spare no expense to provide her all kinds of services - transportation, housing, medical care, food, etc. etc.

It is apparently hateful to make any judgments at all about recipients of government benefits - but just fine to make them when it's a person right in front of you. Because government funds are unlimited and should never be refused to those asking for them, but now personal funds - well that's just another story entirely.

Does no one see the problem here?

CelticCrafter · ‎03-09-2010

Given the way the situation has been described, I would have to say no.

Pook · ‎03-20-2010

I have a miserable sister who never fails to criticize everyone and everything most do. When I would visit her she would nearly immediately start on what I'm wearing, my hair, my relationship, anything I like and my grammar - BUT - she apparantly is perfect wearing wrinkled dollar store clothing that is usually lint covered. After ignoring her put downs because she is my sister, I finally had enough and realized that she is toxic and I do not want that in my life anymore. The older I get, the more it bothered me so I haven't had contact with her in 3 years and what joy it is!! I used to dread visiting her, going anywhere with her (she doesn't drive so she would be nice until she got where she was going and it was all downhill from there), talking on the phone with her because I knew at some point she would start. I tried talking to her about it and telling her that we are different and I don't necessarily like her clothing, hair, choices in life, etc but that's ok because it's her life and her choices but it never registered with her.

I say to OP just stay out of it and have no contact whatsoever with her.