Would this get under your skin

mintedrose · ‎03-04-2017

My mom compares me to my 22 years old niece. Let me say She is doing very well and already on her way to med school. Im very proud of her. However, the other day my mom said something like this, "oh she doing so much better than you when you were her age, and she's gonna go so much higher in life than you ever did. Well, your situation was just different".

I dont know about you but that really struck a nerve in me. Why? because when i was growing up, i was not allowed to do ANYTHING. I had dreams too but i wasnt allowed to live my life. Lets just say I was not only invisible to them but also someone they really didnt care for. And of course with my niece they're very different.

I dont wanna be compared to her because shes like my child to me. I just cant seem to shrug it off and i cant say anything to my mom because then she'll say that IM the one being hurtful. I was having such a great time on my trip and now i just feel down, deflated and just like a big fat loser in life.

~No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted~ Aesop

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

I shut the door and never looked back. Life is too short.

I hope whatever you decide to do it gives you peace.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

Sometimes people say stupid stuff. Let it roll off your back. You can't change her mind and you no longer need to get her OK for how or what you do. You have nothing to prove to her. Be much easier on yourself, mom's just sometimes speak before they think. Luckily, not all of them do that.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

The fact is there are people and relatives who do better than we did and worse than we did. It's a fact. Does that mean you don't love them? Does it mean you aren't happy for them?

If you compare yourself to others, you will usually come up short in some fashion. If they come up short, how does that affect you?

Be happy for others success, and hope they will be happy for yours. If you try to put things on a scale, it's a sure lifetime of misery.

Don't "should'a, would'a, could'a" or you'll be. miserable. Count blessings and friends and people who love you. If you go through life living by what others think of you, it could be a long unhappy road. What did you want, what did YOU do about it? What can you do today and tomorrow to be happy?

Bird mama · ‎03-12-2010

@mintedrose I've had worse said to me by my immediate family so I understands what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It's been my experience that some people are unhappy with how their lives turned out and they project their disappointments, insecurity, hang ups on close family.

They belittle people and for a minute or two it makes them feel better about themselves.

This type of behavior really does say more about them than it does about you. There ain't nothing wrong with you so don't let your Ma's comments erode your self esteem.

There are many elements: wind, fire, water
But none quite like the element of surprise

on the bay · ‎03-09-2010

@mintedrose

I have never thought success in life was solely or even mostly measured in what kind of great job or financial or social status you had in life, but what kind of person you are.

And clearly, I think a mother who says those things to her daughter, needs some lessons in success in terms of how to be a good mother!

So you show her what it means to be a good aunt, a wonderful person in your own right by how you treat others (and yourself).

"If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains? can you paint with all the colors of the wind?"

IMW · ‎06-15-2014

Yes, it is very hurtful. I find mother/daughter relationships difficult. My Mom didn’t really appreciate

me until she was quite ill.

My 41 daughter and I can be like oil and water according to my dh.

It is easy to say ignore it, but very very difficult to do.

Maybe distance yourself for a little while, til it doesn’t

sting as much. The distance can be emotional as well

physical. I do this with my dd. If it weren’t for my dear

grandsons I would have far less interaction with dd. A few days not talking( don’t have to say why) helps me.

ILTH · ‎05-18-2015

@mintedrose wrote:
My mom compares me to my 22 years old niece. Let me say She is doing very well and already on her way to med school. Im very proud of her. However, the other day my mom said something like this, "oh she doing so much better than you when you were her age, and she's gonna go so much higher in life than you ever did. Well, your situation was just different".

I dont know about you but that really struck a nerve in me. Why? because when i was growing up, i was not allowed to do ANYTHING. I had dreams too but i wasnt allowed to live my life. Lets just say I was not only invisible to them but also someone they really didnt care for. And of course with my niece they're very different.

I dont wanna be compared to her because shes like my child to me. I just cant seem to shrug it off and i cant say anything to my mom because then she'll say that IM the one being hurtful. I was having such a great time on my trip and now i just feel down, deflated and just like a big fat loser in life.

Well, I'd be surprised if this is the first passive-aggressive (maybe that's not the right term here, but, it stinks, whatever it is) put-down your mother made to and of you. It's between you and your mother, not your niece (she's just a pawn).

"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"

― Ancient Chinese proverb

As I see it, you have 3 choices. You can accept your mother's disgraceful behavior, confront her, or move away (emotionally and physically) from your mother.

SXMGirl · ‎07-07-2010

@mintedrose Tell your mother that you are doing just fine, that you are happy for your niece, there are more opportunities out there for young women today, and the subject is now closed. Let her know that if she brings it up again, that she may not like the consequences, yours to determine. The bottom line is that you either have a wishbone or a backbone.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

I think you need to tell your mother that you are happy with your life decisions at the same time that you’re proud of your niece. You might want to add that you know some wonderful parents who choose not to compare their children and grandchildren. Everyone is unique in her own way.