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Valued Contributor
Posts: 739
Registered: ‎07-12-2011

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this

It sounds like the whole flavor of the trip changed.   Being brutally honest, doing adult things and then having to make plans around a 2 year old's needs just changes it all.   I just think your sister was expecting one thing, and got another.  You sound family oriented and there is nothing wrong with that.   You sister may approach things differently, that's all.   She could have kept her emotions in check, though.   Now that you saw it play out just learn from it.   Anytime you invite someone, let them know striaght up that they are invited but the invite is extended to any who want to attend.  Then they can decide what to do.   IAll have told me to  am kind of in a situation myself right now.  I am planning a event with family and friends and the phonecalls are already starting.   Good luck with this. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 65,680
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this

[ Edited ]

With respect to the daughter, everything else aside, I'll tell you what... 'getting her husband to agree to let her go' sure raises my eyebrows... 


In my pantry with my cupcakes...
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,960
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this

[ Edited ]

I see both sides of this.

 

Yes, we want to be there for our children as much as possible.

 

And yes, some like a quiet vacation.

 

I very much dislike when I make plans, and they become wishy washy. Especially vacations, and including other people at last minute. If I wanted to spend time with other people, they would have been invited from the get go.

 

On the bright side, at least the sister was told ahead of time and it wasn't a surprise.

 

I have learned to keep plans and my mouth quiet about them, and share after the fact.

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 142
Registered: ‎08-22-2012

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this

Families can be hard to deal with. Mine four instance I come from a large family of 10 children. Lots of fun but we did not always agree .  my father called one sister pig headed. Because she wanted to run everybody life. Now today there are only 2 of us left but. Would not. Give up growing up in a large family.

Super Contributor
Posts: 258
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this

Thank you all for your feedback. The majority of it was objective, honest and supportive. A few answered in a hostile and mean fashion. I’m not sure exactly what the point of that is, but that is their problem not mine.
As I said, My sister apologized and We are talking to each other in a positive way. We have been through a lot together in our lives and I’m sure our relationship will be fine in the end. I don’t know if she will end up coming after all, but either way, we will go forward.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,979
Registered: ‎05-18-2017

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this


@Scooby Doo wrote:

I think the sentence you wrote that said your daughter sucks all lthe oxygen out of the room and it is not the vacation she signed up for is the answer to the problem.  Can't be much more clear.  Your sister sounds like she is just as disappointed as you are.  She had plans to have a fun time with you, and you changed the plans without asking her first.  You just told her what her vacation was going to be like.  Can't your daughter spend a few days with you before your sister arrives?  How does your sister's husband feel about having your daughter and 2 yr old there?  The bottom line is that they don't want to spend their vacation on drama and a 2 yr old.  I don't know any 2 yr old that is that well behaved.  Sounds like everyone is disappointed and it could have been prevented if you'd asked first.


I didn't read all the posts, but I have to agree with @Scooby Doo.  Having a 2 year old around certainly changes the dynamics and doesn't sound very relaxing at all.  Unless this home is a mansion, a 4-bedroom home is not spacious enough to make it work.  Your sister wanted to spend quality time with you and this won't happen with your daughter and 2 year old grandchild around.  JMO.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this


@stevieb wrote:

@NYC Susan wrote:

@occasionalrain wrote:

Unless this was an arranged marriage, you nor your sister should be responsible for what is beginning to seem your daughter's poor choice of a husband. It's your daughter and her husband's marriage and their issues to resolve. Outsiders, especially parents, getting involved only make matters worse.

 

Can you really blame your sister for wanting to avoid spending her holiday with an unhappy stressed woman with marital problems? 


 

Do you honestly believe that a mother shouldn't offer emotional support to a daughter going through marital problems?  Aside from the OP's situation, completely separate from that, it seems that's what you're saying.

 

I honestly do not know where I would be today if I didn't have the parents and friends that I've had to support me when I needed them most.  I  also worked in mental health for many years, and the basis of most marital problems is that the couple CAN'T work through it on their own.  They need friends, they need family, they need sounding boards, they need to clear their heads and get perspective.  And when children are involved, it's more complicated and more difficult.  A good support system is so important.   It's not about anyone else being "responsible" for the success of a marriage.  It's about being there for the people we care about. 

 

I also find the phrase you used - "your daughter's poor choice of a husband" -  to be really offensive.  You have absolutely no idea what kind of man he is, what the dynamics or problems are, or anything else about this couple.  Good, wonderful people have marital problems all the time without either one of them having made a mistake or chosen poorly.  It was cruel of you to insult both the OP's daughter and her son-in-law in that way.  


It might well take a village to offer support and/or to salvage some relationships but the thing is, being part of 'the village' needs to be by choice...  Not everyone will always elect to involve themselves in other people's problems, family or not ... 


It's not about salvaging relationships.  Not every relationship or marriage should be saved.  

 

It's about being supportive of family members and friends who are going through a tough time.  It's perfectly possible to do that without getting heavily involved in every personal detail.  Sometimes people just need someone to talk to, or confide how they're feeling.  I don't see anything wrong with that, and I will always be available to my children when such a need arises.  

 

Of course it's by choice.  I'm just saddened that a parent would turn their back on a child who is need of a sympathetic ear.  My parents never did that, and I never would either.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,417
Registered: ‎02-09-2016

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this

Maybe she was looking to a sister alone week. I do understand some what. Kids are great but vacations don't always go well with kids being included.I would try to see what made her react this way or it sounded like she thinks you will be desinated babysitter and she won't get time with you.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this


@San Antonio Gal wrote:

@Scooby Doo wrote:

I think the sentence you wrote that said your daughter sucks all lthe oxygen out of the room and it is not the vacation she signed up for is the answer to the problem.  Can't be much more clear.  Your sister sounds like she is just as disappointed as you are.  She had plans to have a fun time with you, and you changed the plans without asking her first.  You just told her what her vacation was going to be like.  Can't your daughter spend a few days with you before your sister arrives?  How does your sister's husband feel about having your daughter and 2 yr old there?  The bottom line is that they don't want to spend their vacation on drama and a 2 yr old.  I don't know any 2 yr old that is that well behaved.  Sounds like everyone is disappointed and it could have been prevented if you'd asked first.


I didn't read all the posts, but I have to agree with @Scooby Doo.  Having a 2 year old around certainly changes the dynamics and doesn't sound very relaxing at all.  Unless this home is a mansion, a 4-bedroom home is not spacious enough to make it work.  Your sister wanted to spend quality time with you and this won't happen with your daughter and 2 year old grandchild around.  JMO.


 

Yes, it does change the dynamics.  I absolutely agree with that.

 

But I really think that if the sister had simply stated her objections (rather than lashing out and saying cruel things about both the OP and her daughter), it would have been a completely different conversation.  "I'm disappointed.  I thought it would be adults-only, and we'd have lots of time to talk" would have been far better than criticizing the OP's parenting skills and saying that her daughter sucks all the air out of the room.   She lashed out angrily, in a hurtful way.  The OP had every right to feel upset.

 

Fortunately, we now know that the sister realized she didn't react appropriately, and apologized for what she said.  It's up to her, of course, if she wants to keep the original plan or not.  Hopefully there will be better communication in the future.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,491
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Would appreciate some feedback on this

[ Edited ]

It might have to do with the grandson's daycare/nursery school, summer camp schedule and that week is the only week they can go.

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