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Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,165
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?

[ Edited ]

It's NOT that couples have different interests.    Plain and simple:   The women now look at you as the competition.

♥Surface of the Sun♥
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Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?

I'm really sorry that you ladies were treated like that.

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Posts: 4,446
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?

I'm married and I'm 60 years old and if my DH passed away and my friends still included me, it would depend on what it was.  We have friends, we're a foursome, so if my DH died and they wanted me to do something with them, I'd feel like a third wheel.  If it was a party where a lot of people were included then yes, I would want to be included.  I have so many girlfriends that I do things with because my DH doesn't have any interest in doing them, like going to the movies, shopping, etc.  That if something happened to him, I still would have lots of things and girlfrriends to do them with.  I have a co-worker/friend whose DH passed away last year and I have started to include her more in all my "girlfriend" outings.  I didn't even know her husband, I met him once, very briefly.  When your spouse dies or you get divorced, it must be very difficult to start a "new life".  I have a friend who was in her late 40's when she got divorced and very much wanted to married again and made it her mission to do so and she did meet someone.  I know of another friend who got divorced and has had no interest whatsoever in every getting married again and she told me she's having a ball, doing what she wants when she wants.  She has many friends and enjoys her life. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,156
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?

 

 

I'm 61 and my DH is 63 and I feel like I'm in limbo when it comes to my social life.  I have a few girlfriends that I do things with (I'm getting together with one this afternoon for lunch & shopping) but since DH has gotten sick with a chronic illness it's hard to make new friends.  

 

I don't have the time or energy nor do I feel like explaining why he can or can't do certain things to someone new. He's very limited in what he can do socially.  Even my old friends who do know about his condition still don't really understand what it's like to live with it.

 

My husband goes up and down with his symptoms and over the summer and in particular the last few weeks he appears to be going down hill again.  Of course this upsets me and I fear for the future.

 

I do think about being alone and it scares me.  I live in a neighborhood of single homes which all seem to consist of married couples & families.  My kids are grown and on their own now.  If I should become a widow I will be devastated but will have to find a way to start a new life and meet people. I know it will be very hard.  I certainly don't want to "steal" anyone's husband.

 

I think it's sad for some to feel dropped by old friends.  I can understand about not being included in everything "couples" but I don't understand why some women don't include their widowed friends for just girlfriend things?

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Posts: 2,458
Registered: ‎04-26-2013

Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?

Being widowed for a number of years, I can relate to many of these posts.  2 couples in our group never seemed comfortable when I was with them, I agree it's no doubt insecurity on their part, I definitely had no desire for their husbands, knew them too well from the wife's stories, lol, plus would not ever consider a married man, anyway those relationships dwindled down other than group get togethers.  Other friends continued our friendships & I love them for it, never felt like the 5th wheel just enjoyed their company.

My best advice is, keep your women friends close, they will get you thru the worse, truly "sisters", never gave up on me, even tho I deserved it.

btw did date for awhile but nothing serious, have a busy life, good friends & family, volunteer work, & live in a great neighborhood where people care.

So in closing, believe in yourelf, you'll make it thru the tough times.

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Posts: 32,905
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Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?

I have not been in that situation, but let me toss out a few things for thought:  Do you call your couple friends and invite them over for maybe coffee and cake on an afternoon?  Do you call and ask if they want to meet for dinner or go somewhere?  Was your relationship mostly with the wife and not with them both?  Are you willing to drive to meet them for dinner out?

 

Just thinking maybe YOU could more to maintain the relationship?  Maybe call them up and say you would love to see them, and if you made a pie would they stop by?

 

It's hard to know what to do when someone is sick, and often old friends are uncomfortable after a spouse dies.  Maybe YOU should make the effort to make the couple comfortable.  Maybe they don't really quite know what to say, or how to relate to you in your new status.

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Posts: 2,263
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Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?


@Sooner wrote:

I have not been in that situation, but let me toss out a few things for thought:  Do you call your couple friends and invite them over for maybe coffee and cake on an afternoon?  Do you call and ask if they want to meet for dinner or go somewhere?  Was your relationship mostly with the wife and not with them both?  Are you willing to drive to meet them for dinner out?

 

Just thinking maybe YOU could more to maintain the relationship?  Maybe call them up and say you would love to see them, and if you made a pie would they stop by?

 

It's hard to know what to do when someone is sick, and often old friends are uncomfortable after a spouse dies.  Maybe YOU should make the effort to make the couple comfortable.  Maybe they don't really quite know what to say, or how to relate to you in your new status.


 

In my case, I simply have never been comfortable being a fifth wheel though I did enjoy meeting with my women friends but not as couples.  There are widow's clubs out there these days that can help in meeting new friends.

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Posts: 20,019
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Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?


@haddon9 wrote:

 

 

I'm 61 and my DH is 63 and I feel like I'm in limbo when it comes to my social life.  I have a few girlfriends that I do things with (I'm getting together with one this afternoon for lunch & shopping) but since DH has gotten sick with a chronic illness it's hard to make new friends.  

 

I don't have the time or energy nor do I feel like explaining why he can or can't do certain things to someone new. He's very limited in what he can do socially.  Even my old friends who do know about his condition still don't really understand what it's like to live with it.

 

My husband goes up and down with his symptoms and over the summer and in particular the last few weeks he appears to be going down hill again.  Of course this upsets me and I fear for the future.

 

I do think about being alone and it scares me.  I live in a neighborhood of single homes which all seem to consist of married couples & families.  My kids are grown and on their own now.  If I should become a widow I will be devastated but will have to find a way to start a new life and meet people. I know it will be very hard.  I certainly don't want to "steal" anyone's husband.

 

I think it's sad for some to feel dropped by old friends.  I can understand about not being included in everything "couples" but I don't understand why some women don't include their widowed friends for just girlfriend things?


@haddon9

 

I can somewhat relate to what your are going through at this time.

 

My dad was sick all my life, and died when I was 18. I watched my mom struggle with the knowledge that she would be widowed young (at about age 43), and watched her struggle with him being ill, limiting her life, and watching friends and family who just had no idea what our family was going through. Most people never offered help/support/assistance, and she would never ask. It is a very lonely and sometimes scary place to be, and I hope you know that others have traveled the road before you, and come out the other side.

 

I hope your husband improves and you have much more time together, and I'm glad you are considering how your life is going to change should he pass, as I think so many people just don't deal with those thoughts until they absolutely have to, which I think makes it harder.

 

You are doing something my mom did not, which is keeping some social life with friends even though your husband cannot participate. My mom walled herself off and only spent time with my dad, and literally had no life for quite some time after he passed. It took her about a decade to build a new life. I'm so glad you are working to keep some social contact outside your marriage and couples. It will help you so much in the future. 

 

My prayers and best wishes for both you and your husband.

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Posts: 5,574
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?


@chrystaltree wrote:

I think it happens because women don't want a single woman too close to their husbands.  They assume the new widow will be on the hunt for a man.  They too had to reach out and connect with other single women. 


I seriously cracked up when I read this. I have a couple of friends whose mom's are widowed in their 60's and 70's. Quite active and well, financially comfortable. They might entertain a gentleman caller as it were but serious or marriage, not in the least.

 

These women are smart enough to know that they want to keep what they built with their spouse in their own hands.

 

They travel, live and do as they please.

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Posts: 13,156
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Widows and Divorcees - Have your married friends dropped you?


@Mominohio wrote:

@haddon9 wrote:

 

 

I'm 61 and my DH is 63 and I feel like I'm in limbo when it comes to my social life.  I have a few girlfriends that I do things with (I'm getting together with one this afternoon for lunch & shopping) but since DH has gotten sick with a chronic illness it's hard to make new friends.  

 

I don't have the time or energy nor do I feel like explaining why he can or can't do certain things to someone new. He's very limited in what he can do socially.  Even my old friends who do know about his condition still don't really understand what it's like to live with it.

 

My husband goes up and down with his symptoms and over the summer and in particular the last few weeks he appears to be going down hill again.  Of course this upsets me and I fear for the future.

 

I do think about being alone and it scares me.  I live in a neighborhood of single homes which all seem to consist of married couples & families.  My kids are grown and on their own now.  If I should become a widow I will be devastated but will have to find a way to start a new life and meet people. I know it will be very hard.  I certainly don't want to "steal" anyone's husband.

 

I think it's sad for some to feel dropped by old friends.  I can understand about not being included in everything "couples" but I don't understand why some women don't include their widowed friends for just girlfriend things?


@haddon9

 

I can somewhat relate to what your are going through at this time.

 

My dad was sick all my life, and died when I was 18. I watched my mom struggle with the knowledge that she would be widowed young (at about age 43), and watched her struggle with him being ill, limiting her life, and watching friends and family who just had no idea what our family was going through. Most people never offered help/support/assistance, and she would never ask. It is a very lonely and sometimes scary place to be, and I hope you know that others have traveled the road before you, and come out the other side.

 

I hope your husband improves and you have much more time together, and I'm glad you are considering how your life is going to change should he pass, as I think so many people just don't deal with those thoughts until they absolutely have to, which I think makes it harder.

 

You are doing something my mom did not, which is keeping some social life with friends even though your husband cannot participate. My mom walled herself off and only spent time with my dad, and literally had no life for quite some time after he passed. It took her about a decade to build a new life. I'm so glad you are working to keep some social contact outside your marriage and couples. It will help you so much in the future. 

 

My prayers and best wishes for both you and your husband.


Mominohio, Thank you so much for your kind words!  I do appreciate it. I hope and pray that my husband gets better.  It's very scary and I don't consider myself a strong person.

 

I try to see friends on a regular basis and keep in touch with them.  If I didn't I think I would go crazy!  I have to have that human connection besides family.  I don't know how your mother did it.  It must have been very hard for her. Too bad she didin't connect with a widow's support group. I'm glad that she did get to build some sort of life even if it took a long time.  Better late than never.