Why Are Husbands So Mean??? - Page 9

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@pommom wrote:
The fact that you fear him speaks volumes. Major red flag. He is your husband - not your father. Get help. You deserve better. Never settle.

Yes, exactly!

And the title "Why Are Husbands So Mean??" speaks volumes too. It's the OP's husband who is mean. Most husbands are not mean! This is not some sort of given that goes along with being married. In a loving marriage (or relationship of any type) one person does not control the other, emotionally or physically.

The question should be, "Why is MY Husband So Mean??", and the obvious answer is that he has no right to be. None. There is no need to live in fear. This is not a normal situation. If a husband is mean, the wife needs to get herself out and live the happy life - a life without fear - that she deserves.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Ms X wrote:
It is often true that we teach people how to treat us, but there are times when it is impossible to change an individual's behavior. Outside counseling can help. Certainly, if OP is in physical jeopardy she should leave, but she did not say that. All the best to you, OP. If you are not in physical danger, you have time to consider what you want to do.

You're right - It's often impossible to change another person. I totally agree with that, and I agree with your suggestion re counseling too. However, I wouldn't be so sure that she's not in physical jeopardy. Emotional abuse is not only very damaging, but can lead to physical abuse in an instant. I worked in the mental health field for many years, and emotional abuse can also be worse than physical abuse as far as long-term effects. Neither one is good, and neither one should be tolerated.

This was not an isolated event. That's clear. The OP is living in fear, and no one should live like that. Walking on eggshells, terrified of a tiny human error angering him to the point that her repeated apologies mean nothing, knowing that she will have no peace, etc. are huge red flags. He is essentially forcing her to beg him for forgiveness for tiny little transgressions, and he is wielding power over her by giving her the silent treatment and forcing her to live up to his standards with no regard for her as a living, breathing person just as entitled to make mistakes as he is. When this particular situation is over with, it will only be until the next time she makes a "mistake". And the result of that will be completely dependent on his mood of the moment and how angry he gets. If he abuses her emotionally (and for sure he does), he may or may not also abuse her physically, but it's not a chance she should be willing to take. Even if he never lays a hand on her, he has NO RIGHT to treat her this way. This is not how a human being should be living.

Yes, to counseling. But I want to emphasize - and this is so important - that if he refuses to go, she must go by herself!! Counselors can only help the people who want help, and as wonderful as it would be if he would go too, I think the odds are good that he will say that she is the problem and there's no need for him to go.

OP, please seek help. Go on your own. Tell a counselor what you have told us, and everything else that you've experienced. You need someone to talk to and someone to guide you. This could be the best thing you ever did in your entire life. Good luck, and please keep us informed.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Moonchilde wrote:
@nana59 wrote:
@Ms X wrote:
Calm down and don;t feel like you have to leave your husband right away. Can you give more info?
Yes she does need to leave her husband right away........are you saying she should wait until something awful happens.........i think not.....

You might want to read the OP's response as to why it's not that simple - unless you feel she should just abandon her elderly parents in order to "leave right away."

If something happens to her, what will become of her elderly parents then?

She's justified staying for so long that I think it's hard for her to think clearly and sort things out. She would be of far better value to her parents if she was emotionally healthy and not living in fear of someone who clearly thrives on controlling her. It can't possibly be as simple as staying with him vs. leaving & abandoning her parents. There have to be more options than that, and assuming that there aren't is a big mistake.

She needs to seek help on a local level with someone who is trained and objective. She's in this much too deep to even realize the kind of choices that are available to her. Her emotional energy should be going toward her parents, not all knotted up in her attempts to please a man who is at the very least emotionally abusing her.

Puzzle Piece · ‎06-29-2010

@Moonchilde Ahhh and all you have to do in life is find someone to pick on and that is your therapy - to comment on others takes. Not very popular with friends are you.

I was responding to the OP, NOT TO YOU because I don't have to.

Never Forget the Native American Indian Holocaust

cotton4me · ‎03-09-2010

@Karnerblue

You have a lot going on, especially with your parents. I’m sorry to hear about your father. I’m also sorry your husband makes you feel bad. It’s unfortunate when the people who are supposed to love and support us do the opposite. I hope you can find some peace because you certainly deserve it. I hope you can carve out some special time for yourself doing something you enjoy that will renew your heart/soul. Sending prayers and thoughts for peace and strength.

Big Sister · ‎05-15-2010

Oh, Karnerblue, I am so sorry for you. My DH did not have a mean bone in his body. Yours does. He seems to be angry and controlling and you will never do anything right or well. You can't make him happy or change him.

I have not read all the replies to your question here, but I would seriously seek counseling help for you or both of you, but I bet he won't go as he doesn't think he has a problem, it's you, of course.

Good luck.

Nataliesgramma · ‎03-28-2015

((((Hugs for you)))))

Please make sure he doesn't see any of your posts here......

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

Anyone who does this..... to this degree..... to another person is in dire need of counseling. Anyone who accepts this kind of treatment is also in dire need of counseling.

He needs to learn how to treat people. You need to learn what is acceptable treatment and what is not. Don't for a minute think this is acceptable treatment. If and when he comes back all guchy goo and offers you a peace offering....don't accept it....It's an apology from him and a promise to change that you need. If that doesn't happen....none of what he says is true and you will always go back to square one. I would tell him that I will not tolerate this kind of treatment any longer and we need to go to counseling asap. If he refuses.... go by yourself.

Please don't think I am being harsh with you. It took me dragging DH to a counselor 4 different times and a 4 month seperation many years ago. It actually saved our marriage. Had there been no change he and I both know I would have walked.

3cupcakes · ‎04-20-2012

@Karnerblue Good morning. I hope that you had a half decent sleep after your crummy day & are holding your own this morning.

This is one of the times it's good to go off to work, if only to put some distance between you/house/husband.

hope that the coming week will improve from here on for you.

3cupcakes

Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours brighter.

Karnerblue · ‎03-18-2015

Thank you all for your generous and helpful comments. Please don't worry about me as I'm not in any physical danger. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I'm not afraid for my safety ... I assure you ... my fear comes from having to deal with his anger. I just hate it when I make someone angry. My mother was always mad and angry and she always made me feel the same way. My father was the opposite and he would always take me under his wing and tell me how special I was. I so miss him. Even as an adult he was the only person I could go to and talk over my problems. He does not even know me any more.

Well, as @3cupcakes said, today is a new day and at least when I'm at work I can focus on something else.

Again, I thank you all. Oh, and I didn't mean to insult men or husbands in general. As I said earlier, I know there are lovely gentle men and husbands out there. I've witnessed them.

"Never water yourself down just because someone can't handle you 100% proof."