Among Friends

[curlywhitedog]

---

Karnerblue wrote: I've apologized three times.  It will be days before things are back to normal.  Why can't it just be a peaceful Sunday.  Tomorrow is back to the drudgery of work and I just want to enjoy this time.

---

@Karnerblue

I am so sorry for the hurt you suffer at the hands of this cruel man you're married to...I can't imagine living with someone like him...not for a minute longer would I stay and take that kind of  treatment from him.

But to your question, why can't it be a peaceful Sunday.  Well, it can't be a peaceful Sunday because your husband is an emotional abuser with a mean streak.  My heart just about broke when I read the words "I've apologized three times" and "I was afraid to tell him".  OMG, you apologized for an accident?  You are in a very bad situation, you may not recognize it from where you sit but from where we sit it's clear.

Husbands aren't mean, well, some, like yours, might be but most are not.  My husband is a gentle and loving man who would sooner hurt  himself than hurt me.  You got a bad one hon but they're not all bad.  Trust me, they're not all bad.

The saying "we teach people how to treat us" is true in your case...you let him get away with acting like a petulent child (you said he was pouting and won't talk to you).  He's treating you badly because you have shown him that it's ok to do that.  That's what he knows and that's what he does.

You have two choices, you either leave him or you get yourself  a backbone but don't stay with him living under his thumb like that.  Life is too short to be unhappy...

Maria

[Venezia]

Real men (husbands or significant others) don't treat the women in their lives like this.  (For that matter, they don't treat anyone like this.)

I would never allow anyone to treat me like that.  He sounds like a control freak and that's frightening.

We don't know enough of your situation to really advise you, but I would suggest you get some outside counseling.  You may have to leave this relationship before it turns physically abusive. 

(Just curious:  how the box of wrap get on top of the refrigerator?   And perched so that it would fall, when the door was opened?  Hmmm.) 

[Chrystaltree2]

Good husbands aren't mean, your is because you are in an abusive marriage.  You need to accept that and get help.  I know it isn't easy and "get out" is probably not an option now.  You need to reach out to an agency that assists women who are being abused by a partner.  

[Ms X]

It is often true that we teach people how to treat us, but there are times when it is impossible to change an individual's behavior.  Outside counseling can help.  Certainly, if OP is in physical jeopardy she should leave, but she did not say that.  All the best to you, OP.  If you are not in physical danger, you have time to consider what you want to do.

[Razzy 7]

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is here:  1−800−799−7233.

Their website is here: www.thehotline.org. There are many helpful resources there. However as they note, it's possible to track websites you visit on your computer. If you and your husband use the same computer, call this hotline, don't go to the website. They can help you with information and tell you who to contact in your own community.

Also check Robin McGraw's When Georgia Smiled website:

www.whengeorgiasmiled.org 

DR. PHIL SHOW: ROBIN DISCUSSES HER LIFE-SAVING APP FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS

Check out Robin McGraw on The Dr. Phil Show, discussing her innovative work with the Aspire Initiative and app! Her Aspire Initiative is a free curriculum designed to educate audiences on domestic violence issues, from prevention to safe exit strategies. The Aspire News App is a potentially life-saving smartphone app that allows victims of abuse to call for help at the touch of a button, and was voted as one of the two “best apps for domestic violence prevention” last year. 

If you have a smartphone, you can download the Aspire News App for your phone. You can program it so all you have to do is hit a button on the app that will immediately call the person of your choice and/or the police who will come to your home. Not only that the phone will immediately start recording whatever is going on. This will be a good way to protect yourself. If you don't understand how to get and use the Aspire News App, find a knowledgeable friend who does and can help you.

Take action to protect yourself. Don't wait until the abuse gets worse and wish you'd done something sooner.

[hoosieroriginal]

And that's why I've been single for the last 23 years - can't be bothered with things like this.  My last husband thought he could do everything better than anyone. 

[dooBdoo]

---

Karnerblue wrote:

I opened the refrigerator door and there was a box of plastic wrap on top.  It fell and hit the corner of the drawer and it broke the little plastic tab that holds the drawer cover on.  I was so afraid to tell him but I had to before he found out.  Well you'd think I committed a horrible crime.  I felt bad enough but he accused me of lying and said I broke it myself by not being careful.  Then I get the usual lecture that I need to pay more attention to what I"m doing and that's one of my many problems.  Now he's pouting and won't talk to me.  I can never ever count on him to be supportive of anything.  I don't treat him that way.  Accidents happen.  It's life.  I've apologized three times.  It will be days before things are back to normal.  Why can't it just be a peaceful Sunday.  Tomorrow is back to the drudgery of work and I just want to enjoy this time.

---

Oh, dear, (((@Karnerblue))).  There's so much good advice offered in the replies, and I hope you'll read them more than once and think carefully.

My heart goes out to you.  Husbands aren't mean...  mean, abusive people are mean.  When you find yourself in a relationship in which you fear talking about things, when you fear reprisal, this is poison.

Please, although sometimes it seems far more difficult to remove ourselves from a relationship than to just accept it and stay with it, please reach out to a counselor or to one of the resources so lovingly offered here.  

Making changes can be really hard.  But even though you might not think so, remaining in the devastating environment of abuse is much harder and life-threatening, whether it's physical abuse or emotional abuse.

You are valuable.  Your feelings are valuable.  Your right to be happy and to feel safe in your home is valuable and important.

I'm glad you opened up here, and please know I lift you up in prayer now.

[GingerPeach]

If I'd been working I would have left my former husband a lot sooner than I did.  All the best to you, @Karnerblue

[Karnerblue]

I know you are all right in what he is.  A bully and control freak.  But the fact that I've lived with him almost 30 years would support that some of you are correct in that it's my fault for not leaving.  But sometimes life situations don't give us the option to leave.  Right now I support my Mom and help with some of her needs and my Dad has Alzheimers (my best friend ever), and they need me right now. So try to be understanding when I say they are counting on me.  I work to take care of my own bills and help them.  I could not afford to assist my parents (who are divorced and live apart) and pay for the things I need (i.e. a vehicle to get them to the doctors and medications).  So I'm just looking for some friendly people to let off some steam.  I appreciate the advise but I'm not that young that I shouldn't know better.

I just want some peace in my life. 

[Moonchilde]

The OP hasn't stated specifically, but I wonder if she was afraid to tell her husband not only because she feared his verbal reaction, but because she feared a physical response. We don't know if he HAS hit her, or if she's afraid he might and then she could no longer avoid mentally confronting his "lesser" (verbal) abusiveness.

It's not always simple and easy to get out of such a situation, but the OP needs to start making mental plans - does she have adult children or siblings who can help her? Does she have her own car/transportation to be able to get help - counseling, court orders or fleeing the house? Pack a bag. Hide it somewhere or leave it with someone.

If I were the OP and this was my husband's normal behavior I would have been outta there before now, but at least planning could start now.

Seriously OP, baby steps - start thinking/planning NOW. There is help if you want it badly enough, but you have to take the first step.