Why Are Husbands So Mean??? - Page 12

Justice4all · ‎12-22-2013

Going into therapy yourself may be a good idea

patbz · ‎03-10-2010

You need to have a free consultation with a divorce attorney. He or she can help you assess your situation. You may be surprised at what you are entitled to ( and you'll get tips about documenting what's going on and protecting your assets so you don't get scr***d when you decide you must leave. I'm happily married but I know many who aren't.

Drythe · ‎07-09-2011

@Karnerblue

Sending you {{{hugs}}} and good wishes.

I understand that all relationships have shades of grey and quirks that others can never understand. You obviously know that this particular aspect of his behavior is not appropriate.

While you may not be able to remove yourself right now due to family circumstances, I hope you will start to create for yourself an escape route just in case it becomes necessary.

Perhaps you can start putting away a few dollars a week in a private account, or in a small lock box at one of your parents, along with your private bank account information, a copy of your drivers license and pharmacy numbers for any prescription medication you may have, a spare house key, your marriage license, and copy of your health care policy and any joint accounts you have, plus contact information for them. You might start thinking about moving in with one of your parents at least for a short term. For a quick escape if necessary you might want to store some clothing, and other supplies at one of your parents homes just in case. And just in case keep your car filled, with a spare key hidden in it, and parked so you can always leave quickly. Hide some cash in the trunk as well. Even if you can't go now, or never do, knowing you have an escape may give you that peace you are looking for. I know these plans are short term and pretty basic, but if action becomes necessary sometimes it's just these basics that keep you stuck.

Also, the more you apologise for something that is not your fault, the more justified someone feels in blaming you.

Please don't take offense, I have read all posts here. But a little advance safety planning is never a bad thing.

Best wishes.

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@Drythe

Wonderful advice, and so kindly put

yisbuff2 · ‎07-18-2015

@Karnerblue I've been thinking about you! I hope you are feeling better. I just wanted to add one thing and echo another.

First, you came here for support, which you richly deserve. You do not have to defend your husband here. It may feel that way because you don't want to seem like a bother or a complainer or an exaggerator. You are NOT any of those things. Living with an abusive partner has made you feel like you are. It makes you feel like you do not deserve any space in this world, even virtual space. You deserve space. You deserve time. You don't have to please everyone. Asking for support and input here does not mean you have to please all of us or respond in a way that makes us feel better. This is support for YOU because YOU have inherent worth as a human being. Just know that all the suggestions are about caring for you, even if they feel hard to read or acknowledge. You do not need to shrink yourself in this virtual space. You do not have to earn the right to be worthy of attention. YOU MATTER!!

Second, I strongly echo what @Drythe said. Even a modest escape plan with a copy of necessary documents can be incredibly beneficial.

We are here for you. Big hugs.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Karnerblue wrote:
@panda1234, he would never consider that. I have asked him to go to marriage counseling but he refused. Said no one can tell him how to live his life. Turns out I've been under so much stress lately that I have gone to the doctor and was given some pills to help me cope. He does not know, though. I would never tell him. He's use it against me. He's always said I was crazy and didn't know what I'm talking about when I've tried to talk with him. It's all in my head.

He is the sick one but you know that. I want the best for you. I hope you start to make a plan to get out, your dad would want you to leave.

scotnovel · ‎12-31-2013

@Noel7 wrote:
@Karnerblue wrote:
I know you are all right in what he is. A bully and control freak. But the fact that I've lived with him almost 30 years would support that some of you are correct in that it's my fault for not leaving. But sometimes life situations don't give us the option to leave. Right now I support my Mom and help with some of her needs and my Dad has Alzheimers (my best friend ever), and they need me right now. So try to be understanding when I say they are counting on me. I work to take care of my own bills and help them. I could not afford to assist my parents (who are divorced and live apart) and pay for the things I need (i.e. a vehicle to get them to the doctors and medications). So I'm just looking for some friendly people to let off some steam. I appreciate the advise but I'm not that young that I shouldn't know better.

I just want some peace in my life.
*******************************************

@Karnerblue

I hear you. You are in a bad situation where you feel trapped. You aren't alone, a lot of women have felt that way.

What do you think would help? Could you begin standing up to him on small things, or do you think he might hit you?

Is there anyone nearby you could talk to on a more regular basis? Perhaps a pastor?

I wish you the best, Karnerblue.

Sorry, but I would not recommend a pastor. Frankly, some are not interested in the needs of a woman who is in a domestic abuse situation. Some still don't even believe that domestic abuse exists. There are also a lot of stories of pastors taking advantage. In my home town, one pastor had numerous affairs as part of his "counseling" and I know of other similar situations. Seek the help of a licensed counselor.

Ms X · ‎09-13-2012

@patbz wrote:
You need to have a free consultation with a divorce attorney. He or she can help you assess your situation. You may be surprised at what you are entitled to ( and you'll get tips about documenting what's going on and protecting your assets so you don't get scr***d when you decide you must leave. I'm happily married but I know many who aren't.

There are family law services available for free to those who meet income guidelines. Your post raises points that OP might find useful some day. I don't know much about it, but local nonprofits or women's shelters might have info if OP is ever in need of help.

OP: I hope you are feeling better today! Ask for support here if you need it in the future.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

I'm all over on the place with this.

I recognize Karneblue as a great poster, smart, helpful and mature.

The thought of picking up/packing up and leaving has got to be paralyzing for her.

Helping out with her mother as best she can, could be because she's been trying to avoid her mother to actually need to move in with her. I'm guessing, but that could be the case. And maybe she doesn't want to have to move in with her mother for a number of reasons.

I think she knows whether her life is in danger. He may just be one heck of a negative, controlling, son of a gun.

To ask someone to put money aside, dollars at a time, is not going to help for too long. They say you need months worth of savings to get you through a tough time. I don't think she is in a position to come up with too much extra money.

I feel guilty *assuming* anything about Karnerblue. I could be waaaay wrong, but I think she's a big girl and she can figure this out. Figure him out. Figure it all out. Once she's had enough.

What I would do? I'd walk up to him right now and ask him if he loved me. He may say yes and he may say no.

I know so many people who aren't in love with their spouses. They are just going through the motions. They love their kids, their home, and even go on vacations with their spouses. I don't get it, but it's not for me to understand.

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

@scotnovel wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
@Karnerblue wrote:
I know you are all right in what he is. A bully and control freak. But the fact that I've lived with him almost 30 years would support that some of you are correct in that it's my fault for not leaving. But sometimes life situations don't give us the option to leave. Right now I support my Mom and help with some of her needs and my Dad has Alzheimers (my best friend ever), and they need me right now. So try to be understanding when I say they are counting on me. I work to take care of my own bills and help them. I could not afford to assist my parents (who are divorced and live apart) and pay for the things I need (i.e. a vehicle to get them to the doctors and medications). So I'm just looking for some friendly people to let off some steam. I appreciate the advise but I'm not that young that I shouldn't know better.

I just want some peace in my life.
*******************************************

@Karnerblue

I hear you. You are in a bad situation where you feel trapped. You aren't alone, a lot of women have felt that way.

What do you think would help? Could you begin standing up to him on small things, or do you think he might hit you?

Is there anyone nearby you could talk to on a more regular basis? Perhaps a pastor?

I wish you the best, Karnerblue.

Sorry, but I would not recommend a pastor. Frankly, some are not interested in the needs of a woman who is in a domestic abuse situation. Some still don't even believe that domestic abuse exists. There are also a lot of stories of pastors taking advantage. In my home town, one pastor had numerous affairs as part of his "counseling" and I know of other similar situations. Seek the help of a licensed counselor.