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01-25-2016 08:49 AM
Your husband sounds like a spoiled brat and a bully. You are the one he takes things out on. I feel very bad for you. After awhile with someone like that he makes you second guess yourself steals all your confidence from you. A very selfish man. He really needs counseling . Easier said than done because would he go? Life is so short and I guess you have to make a decision on what to do. Whatever you do it's a long road but you can't go on like this. You deserve more and in time you will look back and think why did I put up with so much from him. Good Luck to you.
01-25-2016 09:21 AM
Thank you all for your generous and helpful comments. Please don't worry about me as I'm not in any physical danger. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I'm not afraid for my safety ... I assure you ... my fear comes from having to deal with his anger. I just hate it when I make someone angry. My mother was always mad and angry and she always made me feel the same way. My father was the opposite and he would always take me under his wing and tell me how special I was. I so miss him. Even as an adult he was the only person I could go to and talk over my problems. He does not even know me any more.
Well, as @3cupcakes said, today is a new day and at least when I'm at work I can focus on something else.
Again, I thank you all. Oh, and I didn't mean to insult men or husbands in general. As I said earlier, I know there are lovely gentle men and husbands out there. I've witnessed them.
Sounds like you married your mother. Get rid of him and find someone like your dad....they are out there. I know, easier said than done. Not to be smart but, would he ever consider going on a mood stabilizer? Just asking because my daughter had some issues similar and the meds were life changing for her.
01-25-2016 09:26 AM - edited 01-25-2016 05:55 PM
I am so sorry that you are dealing with type of behavior. I can tell you from experience that the only way to deal with this behavior is to stand up, tell him you will not tolerate this treatment (and mean it-not just talk), show no fear, and if he continues announce you are leaving the room and will listen when he speaks to you politely. Never cry - they love it.
There is no reason to run to divorce court. Men, generally speaking, will respond to strength and take full advantage of weakness. You will be the winner if you insist on being treated well, trust me on this one.
By the way, you had nothing to apologize for - it is your house too. If you break something, it belongs to you as well as him. Apologizing for this accident just gave him more power. We apologize for things that hurt or are an affront to others.
(edited to add). You will be surprised at how little time it takes to correct this problem.
I know it has been going on a long time. But I also know it is correctable with consistency.
01-25-2016 09:32 AM
I opened the refrigerator door and there was a box of plastic wrap on top. It fell and hit the corner of the drawer and it broke the little plastic tab that holds the drawer cover on. I was so afraid to tell him but I had to before he found out. Well you'd think I committed a horrible crime. I felt bad enough but he accused me of lying and said I broke it myself by not being careful. Then I get the usual lecture that I need to pay more attention to what I"m doing and that's one of my many problems. Now he's pouting and won't talk to me. I can never ever count on him to be supportive of anything. I don't treat him that way. Accidents happen. It's life. I've apologized three times. It will be days before things are back to normal. Why can't it just be a peaceful Sunday. Tomorrow is back to the drudgery of work and I just want to enjoy this time.
01-25-2016 10:14 AM
I know you are all right in what he is. A bully and control freak. But the fact that I've lived with him almost 30 years would support that some of you are correct in that it's my fault for not leaving. But sometimes life situations don't give us the option to leave. Right now I support my Mom and help with some of her needs and my Dad has Alzheimers (my best friend ever), and they need me right now. So try to be understanding when I say they are counting on me. I work to take care of my own bills and help them. I could not afford to assist my parents (who are divorced and live apart) and pay for the things I need (i.e. a vehicle to get them to the doctors and medications). So I'm just looking for some friendly people to let off some steam. I appreciate the advise but I'm not that young that I shouldn't know better.
I just want some peace in my life.
Wake up!!!!! You are being abused!
Abuse isn't just physical. It is MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, and PSYCHOLOGICAL, too.
It can happen to anyone of ANY AGE. The young and the old, and everywhere in between.
You DO NOT have to put up with that sh**!
01-25-2016 10:52 AM
Panda is right. You did marry your mother.
Because of the way that your mother treated you, you had low self-esteem. So when you hooked up with your husband, and he started to treat you the same way as your mother did, you thought that you didn't deserve any better than that.
He will never go to counseling. He doesn't want to change, and won't change, because he sees nothing wrong with how he treats you.
He doesn't care about the marriage, or you. He doesn't even love you. If he did, he would NEVER treat you with such disrespect.
There is a saying, that goes something like, "No man is worth crying over, because a good man, won't give you a reason to cry"
You need to get a backbone and some self-esteem. You deserve so much better than this looser.
If one of your friends or co-workers came to you and said that she was afraid of her husband, that he was always yelling at her, putting her down, made her feel worthless, what advice would you give her?
You would tell her to get out of the relationship, that she was being abused, right?
Well, take that same advice that you would give to your friend, and apply it to yourself, because honey, that friend is YOU.
01-25-2016 11:05 AM
I hope things have calmed down and that you are both talking again. Sounds like there is a "hole" in the marriage. New year, news changes.There needs to be a discussion about how to handle situations/accidents in the future. Don't dwell on what was said or done- that is the past. I know that's hard to do but very important if you want a change. I think you both do.
Ask how he would like it to be handled. Does he want to try to repair what broke to try to save some $ or should you call a repair person or buy a replacement?
Tell him your ideas of how you would like to handle it. Maybe put it on a note on the fridge. " The _______ broke, but I am looking for another" etc. This way you also have it written down as a little " to do " list. Maybe the week is too busy and now you have your list for the weekend.
This may help pave the way to improve other communication obstacles! Best of luck!
Any relationship worth having requires upkeep.
01-25-2016 11:15 AM
No amount of chatting, or talking, or discussing, is going to save this relationship.
The husband doesn't want to change, and won't change, because he sees nothing wrong with how he treats her. He probably even thinks that he has every right to treat her the way that he does.
Some guys are just a*****es, inside and out, and no amount of talking or counseling is ever going to change that.
01-25-2016 12:04 PM
@panda1234, he would never consider that. I have asked him to go to marriage counseling but he refused. Said no one can tell him how to live his life. Turns out I've been under so much stress lately that I have gone to the doctor and was given some pills to help me cope. He does not know, though. I would never tell him. He's use it against me. He's always said I was crazy and didn't know what I'm talking about when I've tried to talk with him. It's all in my head.
01-25-2016 12:16 PM
I have to wonder why many of you are married if your husbands are the terrible people that you describe here, and is being in an unhappy marriage and being miserable the reason that you're often so unpleasant, harsh and critical of others on these forums.
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