Reply
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,521
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

In my world I have buried six family members in a very short time between their deaths, I had visitation for each one of them a funeral mass and dinners for friends and family. This is how our family does things so I just did what I knew they wanted and what I thought they would appreciate. Me not being able to get around very well didn't matter. I can also say that there was a time when I was executor handling two estates and when I went into our attorneys office I asked him could he handle another estate for me? He looked at me and asked now who died and I told him of another family member he almost fell off his chair. He called in the two office ladies and with a shocked voice he told them to get papers ready that I was executor for someone else. You have to what you feel is right and what the person who passed away would want done for them,

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,521
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

[ Edited ]

Wanted to also say our big  family  and I do stress the word big there are or I should say there were at least 80 of us but we were and are almost all of us are Roman Catholic and my family would not be happy with out a viewing a mass and dinner afterwards. But that is how our family does things. I will also say I am older now and when my parents passed away i was in my 40's. But my Mom and Dad were out going people and had many friends and I will be honest here I would have been upset with both my parents if they would have chosen a type of funeral that was different from what our family has always done. And yes I was super close to both my parents as were my sister and brother. So I can see were your daughter is upset and how she feels it is your husband but he is her Daddy. Hopefully your husband will get his health back and you can discuss his wishes.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

No matter what choices you make , be it a wedding , a funeral or just a birthday party there will be someone who will be upset with your choices. It is impossible to please everyone else - so I would do my best to appease my daughter and myself first. First step for your daughter is that she has to accept that her dad is so ill he is likely to die. That you can help her with for now. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,140
Registered: ‎07-01-2012

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

If arrangements were not made known then you have the final decision. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

I have not read the replies yet, but had to come and say how very sorry I am for all you are going through right now. I sincerely hope that the doctors and treatments will give you your dear one back some better level of health and able to be with you for a very long time. I pray you find strength to deal with all that is coming at you during this difficult time.

 

I do believe you are being very smart to be thinking about final arrangements at this time. If you don't need their services soon, it will open the door for you to have more information, and help you think through what you will want and need, whenever the time comes. It will also open the door for you to consider what you want for yourself someday, and make those decisions known to your loved ones, so they aren't in the same place you are right now, not knowing exactly what to do.

 

I think you should consider and listen to your daughter's wishes. It is important with all that you are facing, to be exposed to ideas that you might not be able to see yourself right now, because you have so much to deal with. It is her father, she loves him, is sad as well, and needs to work through the process of his illness and possible passing as much as you do. If he has living parents, it would be kind of you to consider asking them if they have any input as well. I think that no matter the age, loosing a child is the worst, and oftentimes, the parents of adults passing away are often left out of the arrangements entirely, because the spouse takes/has the responsibilities.

 

But when all is said and done, the decisions, should your husband not be able to express his wishes (or never has done so in the past) are yours. It may not be popular with others in the family, but you are the one that should know him better than anyone else. Your first loyalty is to what he wants, or what you think he would want. Then it should be about what you need to do. 

 

Others could hold a memorial service at a later time, if they feel the need to have some type of service. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 39,574
Registered: ‎08-23-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?


@JAXS Mom wrote:

Technically Catholic funeral masses are public, so you can't stop people from showing up. It's the same thing for Catholic wedding masses, according to a previous discussion I had with my priest. Having said that, as his wife it's your decision what happens regarding a viewing or any gathering in your home. I have to say, I've had lymphoma and I've also dealt with immediate life threating illness with my husband more than once and I can't even comprehend planning his funeral or him planning mine while either of us was fighting for our lives. I've done the out of town hospital stays with him more than once and I know how hard that is. I wouldn't give up yet, I was given a 30% chance of survival when I was diagnosed with lymphoma and I was stage 3b. I responded extremely well to chemo and I'm officially cured now and it's been about 15 years. 


I'm really shocked .... I've never heard that before.  Sometimes, families want privacy and shouldn't be subjected to "party crashers".

Valued Contributor
Posts: 822
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

KathyPet:

 

I am truly sorry for what you are going through.  Although I have never lost a spouse, I have lost a child so I understand how difficult it is to plan a wake, funeral and what comes after...and all that while grieveing.

 

You have to do what feels right for you and if you can include some of your daughter's wishes as well, that would be great.  I have made my own wishes clear to my husband...one viewing, a Catholic Mass and NO luncheon after.  Luncheons are from a time when people waked their loved ones in the house, leaving little to no time for the family to relax and eat dinner until after the burial when they all gathered back at the house to eat.  

 

The most important thing is to take care of yourself now and later.  My heart and my prayers go out to you and your husband as he makes his journey home.

 

Maria

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,475
Registered: ‎03-14-2015

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

When KathyPet can, I hope that she can give us an update.

 

I know that she has an awful lot on her plate right now, so when she feels able, maybe she will?

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,713
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

Kathypet - I didn't read the other responses but wanted to give you my thoughts.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I believe that you, as the spouse, need to think about yourself.  There are many people in your community who "would" attend if invited. Some may just be acquaintances if your husbands, but since they are retired, will come to the service.  

 

I feel strongly that you should NOt have to stand around for hours accepting condolences from everyone your husband has ever met, and every new or you know.  You should be able to attend the service with loved ones, and leave when you need time alone.  Your daughter will not be burdened my the service because everyone will be flocking to YOU as the surviving spouse. 

 

Your post helped me understand how this might feel and although my husband and I have always assumed we will invite "everyone" to a large servic, I never thought about how I might dread the long event and just want it to be over. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,652
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Who gets to make the final decision about funeral arrangements?

@KathyPet, just a short note to say I am offering prayers for you and your family.  I know you have a lot on your plate.  Look after yourself.  LM