Who gets to make the final decision about funeral ... - Page 4

Katyq · ‎06-10-2015

@Isobel Archer wrote:
I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am also sorry about the posters who - after you have explained that you and your husband had not discussed this prior - and now can't - still insist on asking you what he wants. That just adds unnecessary stress and I'm sorry for that.

I totally get your concerns about having to essentially entertain lots of people at a time when it would just be too much and too painful.

What about a possible compromise - a viewing that your daughter can attend - representing the family - where all his friends can come and pay their respects, and then a small funeral mass for just family?

My prayers are with you.

I am sure friends would understand that you would not be up to attending if you decided to go this route.

game-on · ‎03-22-2010

KathyPet....i suggest compromizing.... have a viewing with your daughter being the one to greet the people who come to pay their respects... you be there for the amount of time you can, and then go to the lounge at the funeral home.... have that private service.... and if your daughter wants a luncheon have her plan it and carry it out.... you would not have to attend...

I suggest these things because it would preserve your relationship with your daughter and not tax your strength....

I am so sorry you are going thru this....

Big Sister · ‎05-15-2010

I have been in your situation wherein I lived in hotels for a month at a time when my little sister was first ill.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

My advice is to do what feels right for you. I had a very small funeral at the cemetery for my sister and I did not have a get-together after. She was burried out of state and I was just in that city for 1-2 nights.

Your DD is probably in denial about your DH's possible death. Tell her you understand where she is coming from but that you just can't do what she wants. You must take care of yourself. You have the final decision.

I wish you well.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@millieshops wrote:
@KathyPetYou said you would like to speak to someone at the funeral home about their services. I think one of the best services done by good funeral homes is to discuss our possibilities with us. If there's any way for both you and your daughter together to speak with that kind of neutral party, you may find a path so both of you will feel you've honored a husband and father you both care about.

I wish you and DH strength in the days ahead.

When my father died, we were an emotional mess .... and the funeral director helped us not only deal with all the specifics, but came up with a lot of helpful suggestions we could have never reached on our own. He was SO helpful and supportive.

Stray · ‎04-20-2013

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@millieshops wrote:
@KathyPetYou said you would like to speak to someone at the funeral home about their services. I think one of the best services done by good funeral homes is to discuss our possibilities with us. If there's any way for both you and your daughter together to speak with that kind of neutral party, you may find a path so both of you will feel you've honored a husband and father you both care about.

I wish you and DH strength in the days ahead.

When my father died, we were an emotional mess .... and the funeral director helped us not only deal with all the specifics, but came up with a lot of helpful suggestions we could have never reached on our own. He was SO helpful and supportive.

I agree. Funeral directors are very good at what they do and very sensitive to the needs of the families they serve. Many are trained as grief counselors and are very good at it because they deal with death and a gamut of human emotions on a daily basis. I have only had to make arrangements for three people but I was surprised by the spirituality and warmth of the funeral directors.

Stray · ‎04-20-2013

@KathyPet - I am so sorry for your husband's illness and condition; I hope he is comfortable and can be moved closer to home. I am sure you feel so isolated and your daughter probably does as well. When you sit with someone who is seriously ill and you see the condition, you are moving through the grieving process already as you are thinking of funeral arrangements but your daughter isn't in the same place because she hasn't seen her father or you; she is in denial. It is important that she sees him so that she understands his condition and says what she must to him. Tho, he is unresponsive, many times a seriously ill person can hear. I hope you can come to an understanding with your daughter but you do have the final say. I am not a fan of viewing or elaborate funerals; they are not for the person who has passed on but for the living. Some say they need the closure but closure occurs for some when you spend a lot of time at the bedside. Everyone is different. Try to compromise as much as you can without stressing yourself further and exhausting yourself; your husband would not want that and neither would your daughter; she just doesn't understand. You stated he had strong faith and was Catholic so the mass would be important to him. I would just go with a church mass for immediate family and close friends, followed by interment and no formal meal. I hope your daughter will agree with whatever your decisions are as you will need each other at that very difficult time. I wish you and your family well. love isn't measured by an elaborate funeral but by the fact that you are there when he needs you.

Scooby Doo · ‎03-14-2010

Try to role reverse and put yourself in your daughter's place. What if you were the daughter who worshipped her father and your mother didn't want to have the whole 9 yards to honor him. How would you feel? She only has one dad and she adores him. I would let her do whatever she needs to help her through the grieving process.

My mother's father died when she was a teenager, and she was his favorite child. My mother's mother told everyone that she was too sick with the flu to go to her husband's funeral. So she stayed home and sent the kids with relatives. My mother felt abandoned and held this grudge for the rest of her life. Many years later she refused to travel and go to her mother's funeral. I don't mean to imply that your daughter would be like that, but since I've lived around a bunch of people that get their feeling hurt easily, I'm always thinking about the what if's......

If it were me, I would have the mass that you want and then let her be in charge of a celebration of his life at a later date after you've had time to recover.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

JMHO, if you and your DD can't reach a common ground, she should honor your wishes. Only you know the amount of stress this causes for you. It is the top item on a stress factor too. You do what you have to. She sees it from her side, understandable, but you are going through what she doesn't know. You have to go through it to know it. JMHO. I hope the best for you. Do what you have to. It's ok.

ladyroxanne · ‎03-09-2010

i'm so sorry that you are going through all this and wish your dh well. i think you've been given some great advice here and have some options available to you. one thing that enters my mind. he's your husband and not your daughter's. if the shoe were on the other foot, i'm sure you wouldn't interfere in your daughter's choices for her dh's funeral.

i hope for your daughter's sake that her dad does have a full recovery and yours as well, and i will keep you in my prayers.

docsgirl · ‎03-09-2010

Kathy,

My prayers are with you and your husband. He, like all of us, is in God's hands. As his wife, you are the one who makes the decisions unless he has designated someone else. It makes for less stress if the entire family can be on the same page regarding care and final arrangements. That said, my late husband and I made our plans well before he got sick. Everything is in writing. My arrangments, down to my casket, are paid for so when my time comes, there are no decisions to be made as I already made them. We purchased a double plot and I will be buried right next to my love. While this does not apply to you, dear Kathy, I strongly advise others to do the same. Making arrangements following a death is usually more costly than prior to as you are dazed, confused, and fodder for funeral homes to talk you into the most expensive of everything for your 'loved one.' Because we are not thinking straight at that time, it's easy for them to take advantage of us. When my dear mother was ill and knew the time was coming, she told me to 'shop around' and 'look for a bargain.' God love her; she never lost her sense of humor. I hope you and your family will come together to make the right decisions. docsgirl