Who gets to make the final decision about funeral ... - Page 2

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

wE have discussed his desire for a Catholic funeral mass in the past before he became ill and that is not even in question.My husband has a deep and abiding Catholic faith with weekly Mass and daily prayer so of course I would do that. The issue is more the "viewing" and a publicly announced date, time and location for the Mass followed by this luncheon which would bring virtually the entire neighborhood out. I want to skip a viewing completely and hold a small private Mass for a few select close friends and that's all. That is where my daughter and I disagree.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

KathyPet I just went through all of this stuff myself with my best friend/partner so I know this is terrible stuff to do. We also touched base with the funeral home ahead of time to start planning.

I would do whatever you're comfortable doing. With that said, if you think this will cause a huge problem with your daughter could you do short calling hours? We just had two hours of visiting hours with a few speakers right after that. The funeral home was really great about putting a stop to everything at the two hour mark. You could even skip any speakers. But you can really have the funeral home keep things in line. I wouldn't do a luncheon but if someone wants to do one you can beg off.

I do think it's important for you to do only what you can handle. It's very hard for people to understand what it's like day in and day out when you are going through something like this. The toll it takes is unbelievable.

I will pray you don't need to make any decisions right now. You've had a very short time to process all of this, so I hope things turn around and you have time to digest all of this. Best wishes to you.

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

Again, while I absolutely understand your concerns, I also understand your daughters'.

If you do as you wish, how will that affect her - and your relationship with her in the future?

Grief affects people in different ways and feeling that it is not respected can be very upsetting.

I pray you two can work out a mutually satisfactory way forward.

reiki604 · ‎03-09-2010

I am very sorry you are going through this. You said you can't physically or emotionally go through the larger service and viewing. Perhaps your daughter can host a memorial service after the funeral for the friends that were not invited to the funeral. This is a time to be gentle with yourself. You are going through a lot and please try to explain that to your daughter. This is a time for her to respect your wishes, not the other way around.

'I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man'.......Unknown

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

I lost my son,several years ago,and my husband in 2013, we had talked about details,so i knew what to do, i don't like the viewing either, i have had other family members that do this, talk to your daughter,and see what the two of you can work out,we went with cremation.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

You get to make the final decisions. You are alone at the hospital with him watching him suffer. You are the one in the hotel room by yourself each night. You are the one who took vows with him.

Of course your daughter is sad about her father's health and the possiblity of losing him. But why would she care to have the whole 55 and over neighbors there? Let her invite her closest friends and you invite your's and your husband's closest friends. And naturally any close relatives.

I had a brother in law who wanted what looked like a lot of pomp and circumstance when my FIL died. No one else cared to have it, but it happened. It was needless except for his desire to have it his way.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. As husbands and wives, it's going to go either way.

Our married children will be faced with the same. They may not understand until the time comes, and then it will be crystal clear.

circles · ‎03-10-2010

I have told my sons that I do not want any viewing...that when my life is said and done....just cremate me...nothing more....they promised to abide ....

Reba055 · ‎06-23-2014

@reiki604 wrote:
I am very sorry you are going through this. You said you can't physically or emotionally go through the larger service and viewing. Perhaps your daughter can host a memorial service after the funeral for the friends that were not invited to the funeral. This is a time to be gentle with yourself. You are going through a lot and please try to explain that to your daughter. This is a time for her to respect your wishes, not the other way around.

This was something I thought of as well, but (my apologies KathyPet for speaking like you aren't here) if her daughter is not being realistic about the situation, that's all well in good in theory, but her daughter may be too distraught to follow through with that. It will end up falling back on KathyPet. It really needs to be a friend or relative who can handle the situation. The funeral director can help, but it's the greeting of friends that is so hard. Everyone feels like they need to express condolences and rightfully so.

I agree with you. I wouldn't dream of putting my mother through something she was not up to doing, no matter what my feelings were.

This is so hard for everyone. I hope you and your daughter can work it out. I'm sure she's very upset and maybe not thinking it through. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

shaggygirl · ‎11-24-2011

If the mass is not going to be too too early in the morning would it be possible to have just 2 viewing hours at the funeral home that same morning of the mass and then have the funeral director ask that only those who have placed their names on the list for the funeral procession to the church for mass remain to be called out to go up to say their final goodby before going to their cars. He could also announce that the cemetary burial is private, just for family and that other friends are welcome to continue on to the church hall where you have something simple set up like just coffee and soft drinks, sandwiches, a salad of some sort and pastries. You'd probably find that some friends would also bring something to add to the food. After the burial you can return to the church hall where some folks will probably have already left so you won't have to do a lot of chit chatting that you don't feel up to. When my husband passed away a couple of years ago after a 2 year battle with cancer I didn't think I could make it through the 4 hour viewing the night prior to the mass and burial and the luncheon and the whole thing without collapsing somewhere along the way, I was dreading it but in the end I am so glad I did it. It forced me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with those 2 days and in some way it gave me great comfort to hear all the wonderful comments about him and the expressions of sympathy. I felt like I did a fine tribute to the wonderful man he was and hoped he was looking down and pleased with what was done and seeing all the people who came to express their respect and love for who he was. I felt I did what he deserved. But we are all different in how we feel we can handle these things. I do totally understand your feelings and wishes and also I do hope you and your daughter come to a decision that is best for both of you. God Bless You & give you strength for the road ahead.

millieshops · ‎03-09-2010

@KathyPetYou said you would like to speak to someone at the funeral home about their services. I think one of the best services done by good funeral homes is to discuss our possibilities with us. If there's any way for both you and your daughter together to speak with that kind of neutral party, you may find a path so both of you will feel you've honored a husband and father you both care about.

I wish you and DH strength in the days ahead.