Re: Who gets to make the final decision about fune... - Page 3

KATIE ANN · ‎03-09-2010

In this area a lot of people are having the viistation one hour prior to the funeral and no dinner afterwards. It makes it easier on the family.

MENTL · ‎04-17-2010

ValuSkr · ‎03-15-2014

How about a private Mass and interment, followed sometime later (when you are comfortable) with a memorial service & reception. The latter could be open to friends and family.

Lilysmom · ‎03-09-2010

@KathyPet, it is becoming more and more common to have no viewing.

You could do the funeral service, a reception after at which you stay for a limited time, say, a half hour, and let your daughter remain to mingle with the family and friends. That way both of your concerns are addressed.

The decision is yours to make.

May God walk with on this journey. It is a hard one and my prayers are with you, your DH and family. LM

fancy pantsy · ‎06-25-2014

kathypet, i am so sorry that you are having to go through this. sending prayers for your husband and prayers for continued strength for you.

i think you have gotten a lot of good suggestions here, and i hope that you are able to digest all this information and that you are able to work something out that is acceptable for both you and your daughter.

Carmie · ‎10-25-2010

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

When my mother passed, we had a small private viewing ( invitation only) The next day, we had a Funeral Mass for anyone who wanted to attend. The church had standing room only and was crowded.

After Mass the family and some friends went to the cematary and then everyone went home.

We did not have to stand for hours and great people which is very difficult for some people. All of her friends were at Mass.

You alone have the final decision about the funeral plans, but it is not the time to exclude your daughter. Invite her to go with you to talk to the funeral director. He will help you both come to an agreement that you can live with.

Q4u · ‎03-17-2010

I am so very sorry you are going through this... it's a nightmare. Your daughter has to come to understand that whatever decisions you end up making, that it is the culmination of a lifetime with her father and you know him well enough to decide if you have to.

I'm an only child. Both my parents got ill at the same time, my father in a convalescent home on a respirator, my mother lung cancer. She told me long before either of them got sick that they did NOT want a funeral, not even a service. Both wanted cremation. She said she didn't want ME to go through the extreme stress of a funeral/Service (or the expense!) .... as I have no relatives left other than my DH and two sons. When my folks got ill, my Dad got ill first and it was rough but she and I would go every day. He stabilized somewhat but in the middle of it my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Four weeks after diagnosis she passed away! I still went to see my Dad every day, he was on a respirator, couldn't move or talk and was prone to infection that for some reason the staff did not recognize when it was happening (I had to to every day, the Skilled Nursing Facility was not always on top of how he was doing). My nerves were shot. All my Mom's friends wanted a funeral and a service and I wouldn't do it because of her wishes. They were very upset with me, with one of her friends not being too nice about it. Frankly I don't think I COULD do it even if I wanted to.... they didn't understand.... or maybe they didn't want to understand.

I have not regretted the decision for a minute.

I hope you are able to convince your daughter to understand how very difficult this is for you. Sometimes the children are so deep in their own world of pain that they have great difficulty extending their understanding.

Praying for a miracle for your DH....

*~"Never eat more than you can lift......" Miss Piggy~*

Qgirl26 · ‎03-20-2010

KathyPet, first of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish you had someone to sit with you through the long hours. That is too much time to think. I know, I had to do this with my husband and neither of our families lived close enough by to come sit with me. We have 3 children but they could not usually come to sit with me during those difficult times as 2 had school and one had children and a job. So I spent a lot of long, scary days at my husband's bedside over the years all alone. It was horrible and my heart goes out to you!

What I'm going to say is this; I think it's extremely important that you find a way to compromise with your daughter. The final say is yours BUT you do not want to completely go against your daughter's wishes. She needs to properly grieve too and she may find it hard to forgive you if you only do it your way. You need each other so you need to find a way to come together in these decisions. I know it's hard to think of standing so long. I am not Catholic but I am Christian and we had my husband's viewing and funeral the same day, with a dinner provided by the church afterwards. One thing my preacher stressed to me was that I did not have to stand the entire day and face visitors. He told me I could go off at any point and come and go as I felt comfortable. He told me to definitely not stand on my feet all day. People understand if you are not able to do that. I managed to stay the entire day and greet visitors and I was glad I did. Even though we didn't officially call it a celebration of life, I treated it as such, as did others. At the end of the day, I felt like we gave my husband a wonderful tribute. I had others tell me what a wonderful service it was and it really did help to talk to so many who had such love for my husband. I know it will be very difficult for you but please, try to see if you and your daughter can't both go together to plan the funeral in a way that will make you both happy. I think you will regret it later if you do not do this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

pieman · ‎11-21-2013

I agree Kathy,

No viewing.

A lovely service at the Church ans as they people leave, be there to great them.

They then will give their condolsenses.

Continue on to the cemetary for the private funeral/

The "parties" after are now becoming a thing of the past, plus it is easier on the family.

We did that with my dad and people understood...

I am sorry that you are going through this alone....

I do wish the best for your husband.

DELISE · ‎06-22-2013

First I have to say that I'm very sorry that your husband is sick . And that you do not have someone there by your side to give you support . I just had this situation happened to me two years ago April. Everyone is telling me what to do and I want to do it my way so what I did was I told them if they want to pay for it or pay for the part that they wanted I have no problem with that the minute I mentioned that then there was no more discussion. If it's possible try to compromise with your daughter it was save both of you headaches in the long run.