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Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,916
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

@RedTop 

 

I agree.  Why look for problems where none exist?  We aren't retired but we went through this when the girls were in school full time and I went back to work full time and taking college classes at night.  I'd been a sahm for 10 years and hubby took care of the yard work but I was smart enough to know that we were all adjusting to big changes in our home and family so demanding that he do "his share" of house chores as my friends pushed me to do would create problems.  I would ask for help when I needed, make suggestions and gradually over a year or so; we just settled into a routine in which we both settled on what our jobs were.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,034
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

My husband retired a year before I did. He is much like your husband. He is very much a people person. So when he retired he started back to the gym everyday. He joined a hiking group and they would do weekend hikes through the Appalachian Trail. Started running again so he could enter his charity runs. Got together with friends for lunch on a weekly basis. And he would take the dog out for 4 mile walks in the park and then hourly walks in the neighborhood. He got to meet and reconnect with all our neighbors.

 

Doing things around the house is of no interest to him. He wants to be out and about - and he is. A clean house is not a priority. He was responsible for dinner.

 

So ask the lady who now does some cleaning chores, to include more tasks you would like done. You and your husband will both be happier. To expect your husband to pick up the slack, I think is not going to work well.

 

And you are so right, it is good to have a conversation about your changing future..

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,844
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion


@Sadiesadie wrote:

I remember before my husband retired he came to me to say he would take on the ironing and "my" grocery shopping. Told him all the ironing was pretty much just his dress shirts so nothing to do there anymore. When he said that about "my" shopping I said What??? Since when did I own that chore? I did it because you were still working and tired. I wasn't mad but that "my" got to me. He been doing the weekly shopping for the last 19 years. He's a good man and does not expect me to be his housekeeper or maid.

It's just that it can be funny making these transitions.


@Sadiesadie   This reminds me of when the kids were young and if I wanted to go out he would "babysit for me"....what?!!  They are your kids too!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,226
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

@jeanlakeI'd start the conversation with a question -  something like   How do you think your retired days will look?   Just in case you and he have a different vision of your retirement lives!

 

DH and I had very similar jobs -  during the warmer months, he did pretty much all the outfoor work plus our cars and I did inside, but in his off-months, he did the laundry, changed the bed with no reminders needed; otherwise he assisted with other chores as needed.  I'm not even a fussy housekeeper, but I like things the way I like them, so doing some jobs myself suited me.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,764
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

Can't really give advice. My husband retired about 12 years before me.  He's only 3 years older but his "retail" business was going down due to big box stores and internet so it made sense to close it.  Still have his second business but at this point that one doesn't require full time hours.

 

I never asked him to clean since his version of clean is very different from mine.  I kept my cleaning person. There were days I resented going to work but my goal was to increase my pension and to hold onto our health coverage so I stayed the course.  So glad I did!

 

Now I'm retired and it was more of an adjustment for him than for me. Smiley Wink

 

And I still have my cleaning person.  

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,305
Registered: ‎06-08-2016

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

Never had the experience but friends have told me the retired spouse would make plans without the consent of the working spouse.  In other words, accepting dinner dates, or weekend trips, etc, when all the working spouse wants to do is RELAX.

 

The only thing I would offer is, be sure to let your spouse know it's OK for him to do what he wants.   Let him have his little trips or activities and be sure you act the part as well.   Don't sigh or pout when you see him having a wonderful time, when you have to go to bed early to make it to work the next day.    Your day will come.

 

As far as the household duties, good luck with that with any man, any time of your life.  The least he should do is clean up after himself.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,844
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

I was basically a stay at home mom then when the kids got older I did some part time work and for the last 11 years I have an online Etsy shop.  I work as much or as little as I want and with the holidays fast approaching I will be working a lot of long hours this month. So I work from home.

 

My DH was forced into early retirement 7 years ago (age 59) due to health issues.  His health goes up & down but I'm grateful that I don't have to be a caregiver as he can take care of himself.

 

We still live in the house where we raised the kids and though there is a lot of work to do to maintain it, I like being here.  The house is large enough where we don't have to fall over each other...some days we just don't see each other for hours.  Plus I make sure to go out often with friends, DH loves the state park near us and takes the dog there for hours every afternoon...it's nice to have the house to myself.

 

He's a bit of a slob at heart so I don't expect him to seriously clean.  However I ask that he pick up after himself.  Even that can be like pulling teeth sometimes but he knows how I feel about it.  There is nothing more aggravating after being away all day (in your case at work) and coming home to a mess!

 

It's a great thing that your DH is outgoing with hobbies!  I think it's important to stay busy with things that interest you when retired.  Hopefully it won't make him dependent on you when you get home for some socialization.  I would let him know that you need time to unwind and would appreciate the house to at least look pulled together...of course it would be wonderful if he offered to make dinner too! Smiley Happy

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,310
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

If you can afford it, hire a housekeeper.....

 

Maybe it's just me....I really do not want/need help around the house...laundry, sweeping, dusting, laundry, etc.

 

My dh is willing to help but honestly at this stage of my life 64 years old/married 40 years, I am not ready.

 

My dh is not an extrovert, so when we retire I see it being an issue.  He has spent his working career building our business (with my help)....and so there was not a lot of time to build friendships or hobbies.   Retirement is a huge scare for me.

 

I can see the 'fussing' happening (for us) ...even tho we have worked together our entire married life and it worked out well, being home all the time could be a problem, at least for us.

 

Good luck!

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,346
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

Do you both have the same definition of clean when it comes to the house? I'm the one at home so I do a quick clean of the house each morning and prepare the evening meal. It works out wonderfully. Any weekend projects are usually outside (he cuts lawn and I do the trimming/edging).

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,077
Registered: ‎05-11-2013

Re: When one spouse retires before the other... your opinion

DH retired 4 yrs. before I did.  He woud load/unload the dishwasher, he did laundry (even hung it out in the summer), he would start dinner.  He did a great job on the floors.  I usually didn't even ask.  When I told him he didn't need to do all of that he response was "why not, you're working, I'm here."

 

He did the mowing/trimming.  He would a day trip sometimes with a brother or 2, sometimes a friend. 

 

Even when he worked it was 3- 12hr. shifts in a row, then 2 days off.  He would do things even then on his days off.  When he was on his 3 days working, he came home showered, ate and slept as he should have.

 

I did cooking marathons on Sundays so dinners were pretty much done or started. He would ask when to start the pasta so it was done when I got home. He would do biscuits for chicken and biscuits I made on Sunday.