@NycVixen wrote:
@occasionalrain wrote:
@NycVixen wrote:
@TX-starlight This is exactly my mother. Exactly. Her 'close' friend of about 30-35 years had a stroke recently and she called me to say it was her fault for not taking her medication. That is all she focused on and she went on to say that as soon as she came out of her coma she would tell her it was all her fault. I put my mom in her place.
I've realized too late it's a lost cause with people like this. Cut her off and run for the hills. It's not worth it. Trust me. I've recently set boundaries and told her straight up that unless she treats me with respect and stops all the criticism I'm done with her. She always sabotages my happiness and self-esteem and I'm done.
Don't waste your energy telling her how she is. Just make a clean break and walk away.
She will never change nor accept fault for her ways. My mother never does. Just a couple of days ago, she told me that the reason we don't get along is because I'm her daughter; sons love their mothers more. I said, "So it's not because of how you talk to me? You think my husband and his mother get along only because he's a man? It's not because she doesn't talk to him and treat him how you treat me? She insisted that was not the reason.
They are lost causes. They blame everyone else. Now it's my fault because I'm a woman. Unbelievable and egregious.
Run, RUN AWAY!! Don't waste more time out of your life with this toxic person.
What your mother said about her friend is true and what others, including her doctor, are thinking, just not saying. If you said to her, "true and I'm sure she knows and would rather not be reminded", your conversations with her would be less confrontational. Your mother is someone who hasn't a filter, she says what she thinks.
I believe she is an example of someone who is said to be honest to a fault.
@occasionalrain I strongly disagree. My mother has no idea why she had a stroke. She never spoke to any doctor or her family to come to this conclusion. She never showed any empathy or concern for the fact that her friend had a stoke, was in a coma and almost died had her son not found her in time.
To date, she has never said anything positive about it. She stopped going to see her because 'it's too hard for her to see her in that state'. It's always about how she feels. She doesn't stop to think how her friend must feel that people stop going to visit or that she needs support from family and friends more than ever.
Everything in life is about balance. There is no balance. People like my mom and the OP's friend only focus and spew negativity. That is the problem.
I've tried everything with my mother. I used to just take it, let her say whatever she wanted, tried ignoring her, tried telling her in a gentle way - I'm NOT the problem; she's the problem. She has a contentious relationship with EVERYONE. She even insults my lovebird whom she has never met because I can't tell if it's a boy or girl (it's how the species is). She laughs and says it's a he/she and probably gay. How is this acceptable?
It's confrontational now because I defend myself; because I stand up for myself. Because I said enough is enough.
My mother doesn't just not have a filter; she seems to lack a heart. She seems to lack humanity. You don't tell your daughter who just had a miscarriage over and over that it was her fault for getting on a plane (I was cleared to fly by a doctor) and tell her when Mother's Day comes around a few months later that she should be over it by now.
She has not once offered a hug, to cry with me, given support or understanding whenever I've had adversity in my life. She's either caused it or made it worse.
@TX-starlight . Like I said, RUN. If it was just a friend I would've parted ways a long time ago. Some relationships are too one sided and painful to maintain them just because we should somehow have different kinds of friends. These are not friends but wolves in sheep's clothing. They need people to put down in other to thrive.
They need someone to suck the life out of. I hope it's no longer you. It's no longer me.
I am so sorry that you've had to live like this, and I know exactly what you mean. I have a very close friend who has a mother very much like yours, and I am well aware of the toll it has taken on her.
People who haven't experienced it can't really understand. There's a big difference between being honest and being the way they are. Huge difference! It took me a long time to understand, but now I get it. My friend calls me crying out of frustration all the time, and I've heard every story, every cruelty, every bit of selfishness, and I'm outraged at the way my dear, sweet, kind friend is made to feel by her own mother.
My friend is not as astute or as strong as you are, and I wish she was because it rules her life. I hung on every word you wrote. It really touched me, and I wish you the best.
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