When a friend hurts your feelings? - Page 2

NycVixen · ‎10-15-2010

@TX-starlight This is exactly my mother. Exactly. Her 'close' friend of about 30-35 years had a stroke recently and she called me to say it was her fault for not taking her medication. That is all she focused on and she went on to say that as soon as she came out of her coma she would tell her it was all her fault. I put my mom in her place.

I've realized too late it's a lost cause with people like this. Cut her off and run for the hills. It's not worth it. Trust me. I've recently set boundaries and told her straight up that unless she treats me with respect and stops all the criticism I'm done with her. She always sabotages my happiness and self-esteem and I'm done.

Don't waste your energy telling her how she is. Just make a clean break and walk away.

She will never change nor accept fault for her ways. My mother never does. Just a couple of days ago, she told me that the reason we don't get along is because I'm her daughter; sons love their mothers more. I said, "So it's not because of how you talk to me? You think my husband and his mother get along only because he's a man? It's not because she doesn't talk to him and treat him how you treat me? She insisted that was not the reason.

They are lost causes. They blame everyone else. Now it's my fault because I'm a woman. Unbelievable and egregious.

Run, RUN AWAY!! Don't waste more time out of your life with this toxic person.

~Live with Intention~

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

I think she is who she is and you have been quiet and not spoken to her about it in all these years, she's not like to accept it well now. This is her personality, she can't change it. Your "keeping peace" is what has allowed this go go on for all these years. It's up to you, approach her with it and hope she learns to censor herself or just shrug it off and accept that her intent is not to hurt you or end the friendship.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

If you would give examples of what she says it would help. Is what she says meant to be hurtful or is she being brutally honest rather than tactfully honest?

Pook · ‎03-20-2010

Sounds like my sister. After years of trying to overlook and keep the peace because she is my sister and I care for her. Well, it finally reached the point where enough is enough and I told her I was done with her rudeness and insults to me and everyone else! I haven't been burdened with trying to keep the relationship going for several years now and my life is so much easier and less stressful.

@TX-starlight I had so many talks with my sister who actually knows she does this and she would be different for a bit then back with a vengeance and each time more rude and venomous! Give yourself a break and quit punishing yourself by trying to remain friends. Even if you have an honest talk with her I doubt if it will make much difference in the long run!

tobe · ‎07-09-2012

I don't know your friend and/or specific examples of how she is, but I have had back stabbers and passive agressive people in my life. They can be very hurtful. One thing that has helped me a lot is the book by Dr. Phil. The title is LIFE CODE. I have gone through it, read and reread it and always feel better for doing so.

nana59 · ‎05-12-2012

@Pook wrote:
Sounds like sister. After year of trying to overlook and keep the peace because she is my sister and I care for her. Well, it finally reached the point where enough is enough and I told her I was done with her rudeness and insults to me and everyone else! I haven't been burdened with trying to keep the relationship going for several years now and my life is so much easier and less stressful.

Yup....my sister, too....everyone in her life, including me, was an enabler. i haven't spoken to her in over a year....and yes, my life is so much easier and less stressful...

Nonametoday · ‎03-09-2010

@NycVixen wrote:
@TX-starlight This is exactly my mother. Exactly. Her 'close' friend of about 30-35 years had a stroke recently and she called me to say it was her fault for not taking her medication. That is all she focused on and she went on to say that as soon as she came out of her coma she would tell her it was all her fault. I put my mom in her place.

I've realized too late it's a lost cause with people like this. Cut her off and run for the hills. It's not worth it. Trust me. I've recently set boundaries and told her straight up that unless she treats me with respect and stops all the criticism I'm done with her. She always sabotages my happiness and self-esteem and I'm done.

Don't waste your energy telling her how she is. Just make a clean break and walk away.

She will never change nor accept fault for her ways. My mother never does. Just a couple of days ago, she told me that the reason we don't get along is because I'm her daughter; sons love their mothers more. I said, "So it's not because of how you talk to me? You think my husband and his mother get along only because he's a man? It's not because she doesn't talk to him and treat him how you treat me? She insisted that was not the reason.

They are lost causes. They blame everyone else. Now it's my fault because I'm a woman. Unbelievable and egregious.

Run, RUN AWAY!! Don't waste more time out of your life with this toxic person.

NAME: You were never true friends, never a friend to someone who you can give up on that easily. Friends have to work at relationships just like marriages. I have found, since I quit work, that friends are very valuable and some of the best I have were people I worked with. We had to work at getting along in the work place to keep our jobs or to get promotions.

I think back on it after reading posts like yours and know that working hard for a relationship in the work place or your daily life is worth it and we must expect the same from them and we must accept that they see and want to remind us of our "warts" as well.

Gentle reminders from one friend to another are never a waste of time and self-esteem is built on self-improvement and building friends with all kinds of people in all kinds of places, learning to accept that we all have human flaws and we all say things we should not.

LTT1 · ‎03-09-2010

@TX-starlight

A woman who was my boss and also is a friend, would correct my formative thoughts or path with something like "do you mean ..."

This was said with a humorous little smile on her face.

I am introspective and "got it" right away; you friend may lack instrospection so this type of constructive critism given in this way might not work.

I have another dear friend who is such a straight-shooter. And I like people who express themselves in a straightforward manner. But criticism is a different matter. Meanness or callous disregard is not to be tolerated.

Are you willing to endanger the friendship to tell her this?

~Have a Kind Heart, Fierce Mind, Brave Spirit~

GenXmuse · ‎05-15-2016

I'm just curious what YOU get out of this relationship? No one should feel like they need to keep the peace at all costs. 💐

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

@NycVixen wrote:
@TX-starlight This is exactly my mother. Exactly. Her 'close' friend of about 30-35 years had a stroke recently and she called me to say it was her fault for not taking her medication. That is all she focused on and she went on to say that as soon as she came out of her coma she would tell her it was all her fault. I put my mom in her place.

I've realized too late it's a lost cause with people like this. Cut her off and run for the hills. It's not worth it. Trust me. I've recently set boundaries and told her straight up that unless she treats me with respect and stops all the criticism I'm done with her. She always sabotages my happiness and self-esteem and I'm done.

Don't waste your energy telling her how she is. Just make a clean break and walk away.

She will never change nor accept fault for her ways. My mother never does. Just a couple of days ago, she told me that the reason we don't get along is because I'm her daughter; sons love their mothers more. I said, "So it's not because of how you talk to me? You think my husband and his mother get along only because he's a man? It's not because she doesn't talk to him and treat him how you treat me? She insisted that was not the reason.

They are lost causes. They blame everyone else. Now it's my fault because I'm a woman. Unbelievable and egregious.

Run, RUN AWAY!! Don't waste more time out of your life with this toxic person.

What your mother said about her friend is true and what others, including her doctor, are thinking, just not saying. If you said to her, "true and I'm sure she knows and would rather not be reminded", your conversations with her would be less confrontational. Your mother is someone who hasn't a filter, she says what she thinks.

I believe she is an example of someone who is said to be honest to a fault.