Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,905
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

@KingstonsMom wrote:

Personally, I have to believe that there was a valid reason that Dad only made the OP executor of his estate, rather than her AND her brother.

Most lawyers will recommend that one person be named as an executor.  While all involved can have a say it what goes on, there needs to be one person to make the final decision.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,423
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@50Mickey wrote:

@CrazyDaisy wrote:

I would grow up and stop trying to control everything.


It is time to work together, resolve any issues and heal together.  Constant creation of conflicts when there is none is districtive.

I have to agree with this. If they are opening mail that is addressed to your brother what's the problem? It sounds like your brother received your father's mail prior to your father's passing. So it is quite possible that this mail is coming to your brother in his name and he has a right to open mail addressed to him. If this is so upsetting and stressing to you why not make an appointment with an attorney take the will and all of final bills and bank and other account statements, deeds to property and let the attorney handle everything. Ask the attorney to send a certified letter to your brother and SIL instructing them not to open anything addressed to your dad. The relationship with your brother is most likely ruined over this and I think it is a shame that money would come between you and your brother.  I just don't understand why you keep asking strangers on this forum for advice on how to handle your dad's estate.  How many ways can people say see an atorney and be done with it? 

I totally agree.  Also, it is possible her brother gave his wife permission to open mail addressed to him.  It is also posible his wife doesn't trust her to tell them the truth either. 

I do believe it would greatly hurt their Father and is disrespectful to his memory to allow the estate to come between his children.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,846
Registered: ‎04-23-2010

@hyacinth003 wrote:

Wasn't sure how to tille this!  It is another chapter in the saga of my Dad's Estate.


Earlier this week, I sent my brother an email requesting any mail that comes to his house regarding our Father be sent to me UNOPENED.  I offered reimbursement for any mailing costs.  So far, his wife has been opening all the mail and then sending it to me.  As I have been taught to be POLITE, I let it go for awhile.  But I told him since the date of my Dad's passing, it belongs to his Estate, regardless of address.  If I am responsible, I want it untouched.


Today, I get mail addressed to "Estate of George Smith" with the address of the assisted living center on it.  It was a check from Blue Cross/Blue shield refunding his premium.  The assisted living center is supposed to forward any mail they get TO ME as Executor.  It came opened, from my sister-in-law.  I don't know if they are sending mail to her or she went there and picked it up.  She wrote notes on the envelope.


Whether I should be or not, I am FURIOUS.  I will deal with the assisted living center on Monday.  I have already told my sister-in-law to STAY OUT of any and all Estate business.  She has NO RIGHT to his mail.  It didn't even have her address on it.


What would you do?  I am not going to keep being harrassed like this.


I would (and have) hired an estate attorney to deal with difficult matters. I am quite surprised that you have not already done that.


“The soul is healed by being with children.”
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,905
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

@ Montana wrote:

I think this whole situation began when the brother discovered he was not a co-executor. Since then, it seems to me, either the brother, his wife or both of them have decided to function as co-executors anyway.

I would think this is illegal.


This whole thing started years ago between the sister-in-law and the OP. 



Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,843
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

I'm confused.....  If you are the executor of the Estate then why is mail being sent to any address other than yours? YOu need to change this ASAP and contact anyone who might be sending mail. Also, your SIL doesn't have the right to go to the nursing home and request any documents. The facility would certainly be aware of this. She is actually breaking the law by opening this mail. 


Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,818
Registered: ‎06-21-2015

I was also executor of my father's -step mothers estate with 6 children.


First you need to go to the post office and have all his mail sent to you.


Second it will be several months before your father's obligations are settled. There will be bills for months that you will have to pay. 


Absolutely don't get drawn into the hupla. Stay calm and just ignore them. There is nonething they can do you are the executor!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,012
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Didn't we already go through this?

Have you done anything about it?

And there was no one left to speak out for me....
Valued Contributor
Posts: 744
Registered: ‎05-31-2018

My estate attorney sent my siblings everything they needed to know.  I gave my attorney her will and death certificate, that's it.  He handled the rest.  I don't understand wht the OP is not letting her attorney handle all 0f this?

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,650
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

@hyacinth003 I don't know if you saw another post but I agree:




Having been a legal secretary for years (retired) something needs to be done asap.


You are wasting your breath. GET A LAWYER MONDAY.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,997
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Thanks to those with kind replies.  I am posting here as a way to vent, that's all.


My sister-in-law is furious that my brother is not a co-executor.  She has screamed at me over it, and ignored me at the funeral for my Dad.


It does not matter what our prior relationship was.  Legally, I am the executor and handling things just fine.  I have bothered no one, already gotten my brother's life insurance proceeds, and am working on getting other assets to him.  It is a LOT of work.  I have kept him informed of EVERYTHING I have done and what the status of it is.  I asked his opinion on everything to do with his final resting, services, flowers, furniture, possessions, etc.  I said "yes" on everything he requested to have.  I had to pick out the urn (there are thousands) and do its personalization myself, as all his answers were "do what you want."


I finished everything at the assisted living center on my own because he went off to his vacation home.  His wife went the night he died and got rid of all my Dad's clothing without a word to me.  She was already planning my brother's work as a co-executor, until the attorney said I was the sole executor.  Then she had a screaming fit at me.


She paid off a 5 figure loan with the funds from a 92 year old man with dementia a couple months before his death.  All I want is his mail, unopened, as the executor of his estate.  I do not want to spend my father's hard earned money fighting with attorneys.  All I want is to know that I have done right, but I can't control others.  If I lose my brother, it will be their choice, and I have accepted it might happen.  A whole lifetime of a relationship is being destroyed by someone NOT really my family.  My husband has NEVER caused one problem in my family despite our being married about 15 more years than them.  There ARE people who live on control and chaos.  It is hard to understand a person like this unless they are in your life.  It isn't even always about money, although she thinks about money incessantly.  The lack of control is driving her crazy, and she is doing whatever possible to make it harder for me.  Okay, challenge accepted now that I have tried to do the right thing.