Among Friends

[50Mickey]

@KingstonsMom    She did not say that the envelope was addressed to "Estate of George Smith."  I had the impression that the mail or letter was addressed that way.  (Hope this is not his actual name.) She said she received mail that had been sent to the assisted living facilty and then it got to the brother. It was opened and forwarded to her. She doesn't know if the SIL picked it up or it was mailed or if the assisted living facility called the brother and said your dad has mail here can you please pick it up.  Well if it came in an envelope addressed to "Estate" and was sent through tthe PO she would have known she would have known how the SIL got it. Other than opening an envelope what have these people done that is so horrible? Last time she posted it was because her brother or SIL opened a sympathy card that was addressed to both of them. They kept 1/2 of the cash in the card and sent the other 1/2 to her and told her what they did and she was outraged about that. It really doesn't sound like she wants any help with thie estate business. If she did she would have gone to an attorney and turned over everything to them instead of complaining about how stressful it is.  It is very sad that siblings are fighting over who opened an envelope, how it got opened and what they saw. The poor deceased dad probably had no idea that his will would have caused such bitterness between his children.   

[KingstonsMom]

Personally, I have to believe that there was a valid reason that Dad only made the OP executor of his estate, rather than her AND her brother.

[Still Raining]

As most things, there is a hard way and an easy way.

The easy way was for the OP to provide all documentation and mailing instructions to the insurance when they were notified of the death.  This should have been followed by documentation and forwarding instructions to the post office.  It would have been polite to instruction the home too.

Then there is the hard way......

[Montana]

@hyacinth003  said:

... 'Today, I get mail addressed to "Estate of George Smith"...'

Not addressed to brother.

Not addressed to sister-in-law. 

And it was okay for them to open it because?...

[Montana]

I think this whole, recent, situation began when the brother discovered he was not a co-executor. Since then, it seems to me, either the brother, his wife or both of them have decided to function as co-executors anyway.

I would think this is illegal.

ETA: For clarification, added the word recent.

[GCR18]

I would go to the post office and change your father's mailing address.  Then I would go to the assisted living center and give them a copy of the document saying you are executor.  Plus I'd leave some envelopes addressed and stamped to use it any mail slips by.

it sounds like your brother and sister in law are either very nosey or they don't trust you.  I don't think I'd say anything at this point since you've already discussed the mail.  Put measures in place to stop the mail and that should end the subject.

[sunshine45]

honestly, if the father had dementia or alzheimers, all of his mail should have been forwarded to hyacinth OR the brother quite a while ago to make sure everything was being taken care of.

we already know that the father had all three people listed on his bank account.

immediately after the death, all mail and documents should have been mailed to the estate address which hyacinth would have set up through all companies and through the post office. the forwarding happens almost immediately once the the request is filed.

i dont see anything wrong with her brother and his wife opening the mail and then forwarding it to hyacinth....it doesnt sound like they are hiding anything to me. "if a person has died and his or her mail is piling up, you may take it and manage it -- as long as you intend to forward it to a new address or relinquish it to the deceased person's estate."

if your stress level is soaring and you feel you cannot control it, hire someone to take care of the estate business at a fast pace. the sooner it is all done with, the sooner you will have some peace. only you can decide if it is worth the aggravation you are experiencing.

[Carmie]

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@hyacinth003 wrote:

Wasn't sure how to tille this!  It is another chapter in the saga of my Dad's Estate.

Earlier this week, I sent my brother an email requesting any mail that comes to his house regarding our Father be sent to me UNOPENED.  I offered reimbursement for any mailing costs.  So far, his wife has been opening all the mail and then sending it to me.  As I have been taught to be POLITE, I let it go for awhile.  But I told him since the date of my Dad's passing, it belongs to his Estate, regardless of address.  If I am responsible, I want it untouched.

Today, I get mail addressed to "Estate of George Smith" with the address of the assisted living center on it.  It was a check from Blue Cross/Blue shield refunding his premium.  The assisted living center is supposed to forward any mail they get TO ME as Executor.  It came opened, from my sister-in-law.  I don't know if they are sending mail to her or she went there and picked it up.  She wrote notes on the envelope.

Whether I should be or not, I am FURIOUS.  I will deal with the assisted living center on Monday.  I have already told my sister-in-law to STAY OUT of any and all Estate business.  She has NO RIGHT to his mail.  It didn't even have her address on it.

What would you do?  I am not going to keep being harrassed like this.

Hyacinth

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@hyacinth003   Your SIL  is a master manipulator and you are her puppet.  She pulls the strings and you dance.

This is about her pushing your buttons and getting you all worked up.  She is using you as her entertainment and you are cooperating.  She is enjoying this.

i suggest, the next time something like this happens, just take the envelope and say thank you...that's it.  When she sees that her actions have no impact on you, she will get bored and stop.

You  can't control her, but you can control how you act and feel towards her...just let it go and do your job settling the estate.

What she is doing is not hurting the estate, it is just hurting you.  You need to let it go or it's going to cause you stress and your health.

[ScarletDove]

As executor, all mail should come to you direct, and it needs to be handled immediately with the Assisted Living Facility and made clear any and all mail comes direct to you.  If they will not comply, do a change-of-address directly through the PO.  SIL is of a certain mind-set and she is who she is.  The sooner the mail situation is handled the better for you. Deal direct with brother or use a lawyer to deal with him; she being his wife will be on the sideline but you do not need to be involved with her. I went through a similar situation and with you as executor, you need not be furious, just gain control of being executor.  My parents lawyer over saw all expenses and had my BIL & I handle--he was retired and handled the bulk until I started to ask specific questions about "their" excessive expenses and unbalanced distribution of money gifting for tax purposes!  I won't go into further details but will say with my mothers last years and death, my older sister (14 yrs) and I no longer have a relationship because she saw money and "things" for her, BIL and her family as primary; me as secondary. I refused to allow her superiority in the same manner she had for years and her actions and deeds were exposed. 

[Allegheny]

Your SIL and brother via his domineering wife are obviously not really giving much credence to your Executor responsibility.  Beyond time to get tough.

I would get an Attorney as others suggested even if just for legal guidance or issuing needed correspondence.

Also contact whoever is in charge of the Assisted Living Center again, and stress ALL correspondence relating to your father is not to be released to anyone other than you, the Executor.  If you decide to get the Attorney have him/her follow up with a letter.

Go to the post office and submit change of address if you haven't already done so.  Ask for their guidance regarding Estate mail that may be being delivered elsewhere.  Inquire about postal regulations regarding the opening of mail of a deceased individual if you are not the Executor or legal representative of the estate.  If SIL or Brother are opening your father's mail even though it is being deliver to their home, they may be breaking the law.

Once again, I wish you my best.  It is a difficult time for you without having other family interfering.