Among Friends

[SaRina]

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@BalletBabe wrote:

My husband passed away in March from a long battle with COPD.  (From smoking) Thank heavens I made him always smoke outside.  He really got bad around this time last year and ended up in hospital.  He was never the same after that.  My neighbor across the street was always asking if there was anything he could do?  I always said no but I will call if I need you. 

The week he passed , he fell out of bed at 4:00 in morning.  I called hospice but they took forever and so I called my neighbor.  He is a big man.  He picked him right up and got him back in bed.  That was the start of it.  My husband passed away 3 days later.  THis neighbor was carrying up my trash cans for about 6 months before this.  I always thanked him and told him he didn't have to.

He started coming over everyday after that.  Some days twice a day.  HIs wife came once.  He started giving me hugs trying to console me, because I was always crying at  first.  He said I will knock 4 times , so you know it is me.  He had to have a hug and a kiss everyday also.  After about 7 weeks of this it started to irritate me.  I knew no matter what I said he was going to get mad.  So stupid me let it go on.  I started to not answer to give him the hint.  After 3 days of not answering my door , he helped himself into my backyard that is fenced in.  He decided to trim my palm tree.  He knocked on front door and I didn't answer.  (Don't that tell you I don't want to be bothered)  So I was coloring my hair and as I got out of shower , I hear my back patio door bang.  He was on my patio.  It scared me so bad cause I was not dressed and I never had anyone enter my property without my knowing.  I got dressed as fast as I could and went out and said you scared the h--- out of me!  He said I thought you were sleeping?  Really I am thinking????

I started picking stuff up cause I wanted him out of my yard. (forgot that he told me he needed hugs cause his wife has arthritus so bad? AND she cannot hug him.  I am thinking Really ????  He had a wheelbarrel, a big saw, and his big ladder in my yard, so that means he was there for awhile.  As he was leaving he said can I have at least a hug for what I did?  I said NO .  I didn't ask you to do it.  I called his wife the next day after talking to him and said I do not want him entering my back yard and I now have locks on the doors.  He needs to call first.  Now they won't even speak to me.  Or look at me? I think he should have apologized to me?  Am I wrong?

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I'm very sorry about your husband's passing.

Unfortunately, you allowed this man to continue inappropriate behavior so you really only have yourself to blame.  I was shocked to read "His wife came once" because I assumed he was single.  It's nice to have kind neighbors to help out in times of need, but to have this married man come over every day, sometimes twice a day, "require" a hug and a kiss (huh???) is beyond my comprehension.  AND.....you let this go on for seven weeks?

You made a mistake.  You allowed this man to continue to be as close as he possibly could to you.  Who knows what might have happened if it continued even longer?

The only way I would have handled it would have been to apologize to the man for misleading him.  Perhaps explain that you were grief-stricken and didn't realize what was happening.  Make it clear that you appreciate all his help, but your relationship has gone way beyond what you feel comfortable with.  

I don't know if you'll ever have this opportunity to explain, but I'd not encourage any further unwanted behavior.

[BalletBabe]

I think you should be straightforward with him and just tell him to 

"__" off, or you'll have the police there each and every time he invades your space and/or property.  He needs an in your face confrontation to show him who's boss.🙆  

@akagirl         I agree.  I wish I would have done that.  I think I was in such shock and grief that I wasn't thinking right.  He was really getting on my nerves and everytime I heard that knock I was cringing inside.  If I didn't answer he would just bug me later.  I ignored the door for 3 days before he entered my yard to help himself.   The gates are locked now and so is the screen door.  I also told his wife I do not want him over here unless he calls first.  Funny how concerned he was?  When I didn't answer for three days why didn't he call to see if I was ok?   Cause he didn't want his wife to know he was here.

[BalletBabe]

  @ Ms X     Was the Easter dinner from him and his wife?

Yes! 

[Ms X]

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@BalletBabe wrote:

@  @ Ms X     Was the Easter dinner from him and his wife?

Yes! 

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Well, it sounds like they were good neighbors, but he just got carried away and has a thing for you.  It sounds like you have other helpful neighbors.  I'd just lie low for a while and let this blow over and then maybe see if you can at least be cordial if distant with the two of them.  My personal preference is not to fight with my neighbors.  I have good relationships to varying degrees with all of them even though I've been here for nearly 20 years.  It's just too stressful.  I've bitten my tongue and put up with some stuff (nothing terrible) over the years.  Things tend to blow over and the tables turn, so it's not a bad idea to just wave and smile even when you don't feel like it. 

[BalletBabe]

Unfortunately, you allowed this man to continue inappropriate behavior so you really only have yourself to blame.  I was shocked to read "His wife came once" because I assumed he was single.  It's nice to have kind neighbors to help out in times of need, but to have this married man come over every day, sometimes twice a day, "require" a hug and a kiss (huh???) is beyond my comprehension.  AND.....you let this go on for seven weeks?

You made a mistake.  You allowed this man to continue to be as close as he possibly could to you.  Who knows what might have happened if it continued even longer?

The only way I would have handled it would have been to apologize to the man for misleading him.  Perhaps explain that you were grief-stricken and didn't realize what was happening.  Make it clear that you appreciate all his help, but your relationship has gone way beyond what you feel comfortable with.  

I don't know if you'll ever have this opportunity to explain, but I'd not encourage any further unwanted behavior.

Well you have to understand that they were always huggy kissy.  We used to play cards with them years ago and everyone was kissing hello and goodbye.  Trust me I didn't lead him on. He lost his brother at Christmas time very suddenly and he also lost a wife at age 27.  So he kept telling me he knew what I was going through.  I didn't get it at first and figured he would stop coming as the other neighbors did.  I had many neighbors bringing food and visiting the first two weeks.,

[BalletBabe]

He also helped my husband over the years and my husnband helped him also before he got sick. 

[SaRina]

@SaRina wrote:

Unfortunately, you allowed this man to continue inappropriate behavior so you really only have yourself to blame.  I was shocked to read "His wife came once" because I assumed he was single.  It's nice to have kind neighbors to help out in times of need, but to have this married man come over every day, sometimes twice a day, "require" a hug and a kiss (huh???) is beyond my comprehension.  AND.....you let this go on for seven weeks?

You made a mistake.  You allowed this man to continue to be as close as he possibly could to you.  Who knows what might have happened if it continued even longer?

The only way I would have handled it would have been to apologize to the man for misleading him.  Perhaps explain that you were grief-stricken and didn't realize what was happening.  Make it clear that you appreciate all his help, but your relationship has gone way beyond what you feel comfortable with.  

I don't know if you'll ever have this opportunity to explain, but I'd not encourage any further unwanted behavior.

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BalletBabe wrote: 

Well you have to understand that they were always huggy kissy.  We used to play cards with them years ago and everyone was kissing hello and goodbye.  Trust me I didn't lead him on. He lost his brother at Christmas time very suddenly and he also lost a wife at age 27.  So he kept telling me he knew what I was going through.  I didn't get it at first and figured he would stop coming as the other neighbors did.  I had many neighbors bringing food and visiting the first two weeks.,

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"They were always huggy kissy" when both you and your husband played cards with them is a very different scenario from allowing a married neighbor to come over twice a day, every day, without his wife, and to hug and kiss you.  IMO, that is inappropriate.

Also, you say you "figured he would stop coming when the other neightbors did".  Well, he didn't.....but you didn't put a stop to it either.  You let it go on.

You do not need to be defensive.  You asked for opinions.  Obviously, no one here knows all the details, but this is my impression.

[BalletBabe]

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"They were always huggy kissy" when both you and your husband played cards with them is very different scenario from allowing a married neighbor to come over twice a day, every day, without his wife, and to hug and kiss you.  IMO, that is inappropriate.

You do not need to be defensive.  You asked for opinions.  Obviously, no one here knows all the details, but this is my impression

I wasn't beng defensive.  I was trying to explain to you the relationship we had as neighbors over the years.  His wife didn't come over because she was in bed all the time.  I believe he was coming over when she was sleeping, but not sure.  She don't like anybody.  She has some kind of mental issue that she cannot get along with anybody.  She hates everyone of the neighbors , and that is a shame because we have good neighbors.  Have you ever lost a spouse?  Trust me it is like losing half of yourself.  My son was in Nevada and I was alone for a week till he could get here.  He only came twice a day if I didn't answer the door.  I gnored it once before and he said "I guess you don't want me to check on you"  I said I am fine.  I am a big girl and I will call if I need anything.  He stopped for a few days and started again.  It don't matter it is over. I fell out wth them yrs ago, and we didn't talk for several years. 

[YorkieonmyPillow]

@SaRina"Unfortunately, you allowed this man to continue inappropriate behavior so you really only have yourself to blame."

  No, she has her neighbor to blame.

  He's responsible for his own behavior.

  I imagine she had other things on her mind - like her husband's death.

  Way to kick someone when they're down.

[BalletBabe]

@SaRina"Unfortunately, you allowed this man to continue inappropriate behavior so you really only have yourself to blame."

  No, she has her neighbor to blame.

  He's responsible for his own behavior.

  I imagine she had other things on her mind - like her husband's death.

  Way to kick someone when they're down.

Thank You Yorkieonmypillow!