Re: What would you do?

CrazyDaisy · ‎03-20-2010

@50Mickey wrote:
@CrazyDaisy wrote:
I would grow up and stop trying to control everything.

It is time to work together, resolve any issues and heal together. Constant creation of conflicts when there is none is districtive.
I have to agree with this. If they are opening mail that is addressed to your brother what's the problem? It sounds like your brother received your father's mail prior to your father's passing. So it is quite possible that this mail is coming to your brother in his name and he has a right to open mail addressed to him. If this is so upsetting and stressing to you why not make an appointment with an attorney take the will and all of final bills and bank and other account statements, deeds to property and let the attorney handle everything. Ask the attorney to send a certified letter to your brother and SIL instructing them not to open anything addressed to your dad. The relationship with your brother is most likely ruined over this and I think it is a shame that money would come between you and your brother. I just don't understand why you keep asking strangers on this forum for advice on how to handle your dad's estate. How many ways can people say see an atorney and be done with it?

Honestly do not think any of this has to do with money, it is jealously and control.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.

Ainhisg · ‎03-09-2010

@hyacinth003 wrote:
@Foxxee wrote:
How did assisted living get her address? Have you told AL, you are the executor and not to send anything to any other address?

You could go to the Post Office and ask that any of your father's mail going to your brother's address to be forwarded to you. You may need proof you are the Executor.

@Foxxee

Assisted living has both our contact info. I don't know if she went there and picked it up or they are mistakenly sending it to her. How would I know? I know now she lies.

I thought it was clear with them that I am the Executor and any mail be sent to me. I will deal with them Monday.

I thought it would be no big deal for them to just send me (or ask me to pick it up) any correspondence for my Dad. So I guess I need to take the formal step with the post office. I will tell them I will charge the Estate for expenses and time to have to go through this. My intention was never to charge anything for what I am doing to honor my Dad. But when others don't feel and act the same, my feelings may change.

Hyacinth

@hyacinth003 Take your documents showing that you are the executor to the post office, and they will tell you how to get the mail forwarded to you and bypass your brother/SIL altogether. It's been awhile since I've done that, but in the scheme of everything you have to do as executor, it will be very little work, solve the problem, and you won't have to engage with your SIL to have it done. Problem solved. I wouldn't even tell them I'd done it.

Secondly, having been in your shoes concerning being the executor and doing all the work, I felt just as you. I'm retired, my sister is not. I'm organized, my sister is not. It rightly fell to me to be POA/executor for my mom's estate. (She is still living.) Even though the attorney told me I could legally take a stipend for all the work I do/did, for the same reason as you, I chose not to do it. Mom has a lot of property and financial assets, and managing it all plus my own responsibilities, is a LOT of work. HOWEVER, the feeling that I shouldn't take a stipend changed when time after time after time, my sister wouldn't do the things she agreed to do nor even visit Mom. I got so tired of doing it all with no thanks that I decided to take a stipend. I did inform her of this in as kind and caring way as I could (even though I wanted to be just the opposite...lol), and she told me to go ahead. Which almost made me just as angry, as this just further goes to show that she is more than happy for me to do it all and as my husband says, she really doesn't care about Mom or even me. (There's a bit...only a small bit...of disfunction in the family, but as I deal with her more and more, it becomes more and more evident to me.) Anyway, I just wanted to share my story and what I did to help alleviate some of the stress and animosity I feel toward my sister. In truth, I would choose to bypass the stipend happily if she would just help me with Mom, but she won't, so at least I'm getting compensated in some way.

Somertime · ‎09-18-2010

@hyacinth003 I am so sorry! You have no choice but to have a lawyer send her a letter for cease and desist and threaten her with legal action to scare the living daylight out of her if that is remotely possible! Good for you, regarding the post office to have his mail changed and rerouted to your address. You can do this online as well. You can have it held at the post office for pick up by you if you wish as well. I would cut off all communications with her. I would not accept any of her calls not respond to any email sent by her. I would not communicate with your brother either until the final distribution of the Trust and then it would be by letter, only. You have the final say when it comes to the Trust and the actions taken by your brother leaves no room for discussion nor his opinion. Your situation with your SIL has ruptured your relationship with your brother and you have to accept this, no matter how hard it is.

It is no longer the time for politeness. You have a fiduciary responsibility to carry out your father's wishes based on his will and the Trust. If this seems callous and cruel to them, so be it! You are not required to give your brother any information until you are ready for the final distribution of the estate. It will take all the strength you have to do so. Your SIL is a bully and she is bulling you as well as harassing you. You do not deserve this.

Ainhisg · ‎03-09-2010

@violann wrote:
@hyacinth003 - I have somehow missed your previous posts on this subject, but I want to assure you that your feelings of frustration and anger are reasonable and honorable on your father's behalf.

Without detailing my own battle I suffered the same loss of trust, and now am guided solely by the joy and satisfaction of providing the best life possible for my dependent loved one.

All trust between myself and the other party is totally lost. I have WORKED for the last several months of this painful and exhausting year, to forgive. I have made some baby steps forward on doing so, but every aggressive and offensive communication from "the other one" triggers the same reaction, and I doubt seriously that there could ever be any road that could take us to repairing the damage that was done to me.

STAY STRONG!

@violann , I am in the exact same place. You are not alone!

50Mickey · ‎05-21-2010

@CrazyDaisy Yes. It was said in an earlier thread that the Dad's estate was to be divided equaly between the two siblings. Posters on here who know nothing about the brother and SIL have labled them greedy and nosey. Has it ever occured to some that maybe the brother feels like he is being kept in the dark about the assets? It seem like this could have been avoided by sitting with the brother one on one and putting all of the accounts, assets, and property and bills on the table and the will and letting him know that as executor she would do everything to carry out the father's wishes and the money and assets would be distributed equally after the final bills were paid and the estate settled. Unless the estate was huge and complicated I just don't get the need for control and wanting the brother to left in the dark. I would ask myself would dad want this?

KingstonsMom · ‎03-09-2010

@50Mickey

Maybe you missed the part of the OP where she states that the letter was addressed to 'The Estate of George Smith', mailed to his former assisted living residence and as the sole executor of Dad's estate, it was intended for her.

She's not sure how SIL got her hands on it and thinks she may have picked it up at the facility.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

CrazyDaisy · ‎03-20-2010

@50Mickey wrote:
@CrazyDaisy Yes. It was said in an earlier thread that the Dad's estate was to be divided equaly between the two siblings. Posters on here who know nothing about the brother and SIL have labled them greedy and nosey. Has it ever occured to some that maybe the brother feels like he is being kept in the dark about the assets? It seem like this could have been avoided by sitting with the brother one on one and putting all of the accounts, assets, and property and bills on the table and the will and letting him know that as executor she would do everything to carry out the father's wishes and the money and assets would be distributed equally after the final bills were paid and the estate settled. Unless the estate was huge and complicated I just don't get the need for control and wanting the brother to left in the dark. I would ask myself would dad want this?

It goes further back than just the estate. The sister-in-law had a good relationship with her father-in-law, OP never understood that because she was not "blood". Sister-in-law did a lot prior to the fathers death, maybe some guilt for not doing more then, who knows.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

Where was your father's mail going before he passed away? The nursing home or to one of you guys? You should have filled out a change of address with the post office right away. It's really not on the facility to collect mail and forward it.

As to the check they did send which was their responsiblilty they probably just picked who was listed first. If you were both listed as contacts they did nothing wrong. You'd need to call and tell them that everything goes to you. That should have been done a long time ago too.

You really need to learn to let things go. She opened an envelope and then sent it on to you. Maybe they were checking to see if it was anything worth forwarding. Personally I'd ask them to open any random stuff they get and just to toss it if it's not needed. Clearly they sent it to you so nothing happened to it.

Montana · ‎03-09-2010

This is a direct quote from one of @hyacinth003 responses:

..."I have told my brother everything (other than mind numbing paperwork) I have in the works..."

To me, this does not sound like her brother is being kept in the dark or that @hyacinth003 is being controlling. The mail, in question was addressed to the estate, not to the brother or sister-in-law. Why would they open it anyway?

In my opinion, however the siblings decide to handle matters, the SIL is not family, and should stay out of it.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

@ Montana wrote:
This is a direct quote from one of @hyacinth003 responses:

..."I have told my brother everything (other than mind numbing paperwork) I have in the works..."

To me, this does not sound like her brother is being kept in the dark or that @hyacinth003 is being controlling. The mail, in question was addressed to the estate, not to the brother or sister-in-law. Why would they open it anyway?

In my opinion, however the siblings decide to handle matters, the SIL is not family, and should stay out of it.

Well it sounds like it wasn't actually addressed to be mailed. So we're to believe that the SIL, because it's always the SIL, just went to the assisted living place to see if there was something there? If they went to pick it up I'd guess it was because the place called the brother and said there was something to pick up so they went and got it. Then looked to see what it was.

Honestly I'm not even understanding why the assisted living would have this check for a refund on a premium. If it was mailed to the father's estate with the address of the assisted living why would they open it and then put it in their own envelope. They had no business opening his mail. I'm very confused by all of this.