What would you do in this funeral situation?

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

My cousins, who I did not grow up and see very infrequently, lost their mom last night. It was expected and actually there is relief that she is finally at peace.

The only reason I know that is because my cousins have been communicating with my mom and sisters constantly. I have been excluded from all information updates, group texts, and emails.

In fact, I did not even know about the hospitalization or death until a text between my mom and sisters a few days ago among us only.

I am not offended by that. Like I said, my cousins and I were not close. The small cremation ceremony is expected to be on Saturday if they can get it scheduled that fast according to my mom.

This weekend, my mother and one sister will be out of town on already scheduled trips and the other sister has a jam packed day with her kids that is apparently important to their extra curricular activities which they can not miss.

My sister commented on the text today just between us (mom and sisters) that she feels bad that she can not go because she is the "last" one in town for our family and may not make it.

No one has talked to me or apparently expects me to go. I have not been included in any way by the cousins at all and I am fine with missing it. I think the last time I saw my aunt was over 25 years ago and apparently no one, cousins or immediate family, wants or expects me there. I said some prayers last night and I'll do some more of course for her now privately.

Would you offer to go even if you were not invited or communicated with at all by the cousins? In essence, just show up to their mom's funeral as a surprise guest? Or should I just leave it alone and let everyone continue to do their thing without me?

I honestly feel like I would be intruding at this point if I went but I was raised with manners and I feel like I should be there anyway even if I am not really wanted or invited.

What's your opinion on a situation like this?

Libbylady · ‎03-09-2010

Why don't you and your family go in together and send flowers to the service? That will cover everyone, and you won't need to attend.

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@Libbylady That was my thought. Just send a nice card or letter to my cousins if I can find their addresses online.

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

@Laura14 JMO but I don’t believe in going to a funeral unless you have an emotional connection to either the deceased or their family.If you want to do something you can send a sympathy or Mass card.Or chip in for flowers as suggested by @Libbylady.

CrazyDaisy · ‎03-20-2010

You said there was a small cremation ceremony. I would not expect there to be anything more than that so there is nothing for you to go to. Many people are opting for small private burials.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@NicksmomESQ My only connection would be for my mom and I just think it would be nice to be there for my cousins even if I am not close. But since I've not been included in any of the goings on, I tend to take that as a hint that I am not expected.

@CrazyDaisy I think you are right. The cousins have already told my mom and sisters it's not a big deal and to not worry about missing the small ceremony if it happened while they were away.

Imaoldhippie · ‎06-10-2015

Sorry, but they did not include you in anything. Why would you even want to go? Continue with your prayers and stay home. It is not bad manners not to be somewhere that you evidently are not invited.

BE THE PERSON YOUR DOG THINKS YOU ARE! (unknown)

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

I am only considering it @Imaoldhippie because my mom and sister feel someone from our immediate family should be there. My uncle (the ex-husband) will be there so I guess he'll suffice.

I think you guys are correct though. I am obviously not the person wanted for the job.

I was just feeling guilty about being able to go and it would be a nice gesture according to how this side of the family was raised but to the people holding the service and really going through it, I guess they don't care or consider it even an issue.