What should I do?

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

My dear friend, who now lives 3,000 miles away, is very sick. She has gone to many different doctors without results. I have looked up her symptoms and it's possible, as one of her doctor's has said, that she has lymphoma. She has lost 40 pounds this year without trying. Her abdomen is swollen and she has awful cramps. She has night sweats. There's more, but suffice it to say she has almost all the 10 lymphoma symptoms. She has found doctors who tell her what she wants to hear. She would rather be in denial than accept the truth.

My husband is showing symptoms of early dementia. He is being treated by a neurolgist. My 94 year old mother is hanging on. I am recovering from a bout of intestinal MRSA. I'm still not normal but I'm able to control the awful symptoms with medication. My friend lives a continent away. 3000 miles separate us but we stay in touch daily and are like sisters. She would rather be in denial than face the fact that an oncologist whom she just saw thinks she has lymphoma. I want to support her but I don't know what to say.

MalteseMomma · ‎03-09-2010

Just listen to what she says and offer love and kindness, but no advice!

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

I agree. In this kind, or similar, situations I never know what to say or what I can do. Sometimes I even express that and 100% of the time the feedback is that what I can do is just be the friend and listen.

Just knowing that you care about her is what she needs from you.

Unfortunately, you can't fix things, but you can listen and care.

daisey10 · ‎03-09-2010

I agree with the two above posts. You are a good friend.

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

That's the thing, especially if you are a 'fixer'. I am a 'fixer' so the first notion for me is 'how can I fix this?'. Clearly, it cannot be fixed so then I initially can find myself flummoxed until I realize that caring really means a lot, AND it is the thing that I CAN do.

As far as the 'what to say' thing - that can go a couple of ways. Personally, I'm not one to say anything I don't mean, or something ridiculous that a lot of people might say like 'oh, it's going to be ok'. Ugh, I dislike that because, clearly, it's not and even if it was that person doesn't know that.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

Vivian,

You have so much to deal with... you can't fix everything. Give love and support as others have said.

Right now you need to take care of yourself and your husband. You will need strength to deal with him.

Best wishes to you.

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

It's been so difficult. My friend has postponed or canceled many medical tests. All I've said is that she needs to find out what's wrong. She tells me she is just skin and bones. I am so worried about her, my husband, my mother, and me. I am overhelmed by stress because the people who are most important to me are in trouble.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

You aren't a doctor, you certainly aren't an oncologist. Would an oncologist spend years in specialized training if all he or she had to do was look up a few symtoms? Don't diagnose your friend, just be there as friend and listen to her. What she does or doesn't do is her choice. We're all allowed to do what we choose when it comes to our own bodies. So just be there for her and refrain from offering any opinions unless she specifically asks for them.

snappyfrappy · ‎03-10-2010

Dear Vivian, of course you are concerned for your friend. With good reason. Sooner or later, her symptoms will force her to seek relief. Maybe then she will get help. I'm terribly sorry.

You have a lot on your plate. Your hubby and mom are right there and they will need you increasingly. So please take care of yourself. Rest and sleep as much as you can. Stay hydrated, eat properly, learn all you can about your hubby's condition and how to deal with it. Whenever you can, get out alone for a while and enjoy life with all it's beauty.

Do something that makes you happy, even if it's watching TV or reading.

And as someone who lived through her hubby's illness and Homegoing, take it one day at a time. Enjoy the little things so that in the end you aren't left with regrets.

And know that there are people here and maybe in your real life who love and pray for you.

Stay in touch because venting is very important and someone is always willing to listen.

snappy

3suwm5 · ‎06-15-2016

I have a very sick friend as well that lives far away. She is having treatments for 2 years now. I just offer support and listen. I think that is the best you can do. Prayers to your friend that she becomes comfortable with a diagnosis and seeks treatment soon.