Among Friends

[dex]

@goldensrbest 

---

@goldensrbest wrote:

I still don't get it with this post,she helped you out when you were sick,then got you a gift for christmas,you don't like it and expect her to get you something else?

---

The lady probably realized that this friendship was a little too much work to maintain.

[Katcat1]

@Mj12,   Here we  go with bashing the OP.  Fine.  Quite a few of you don't understand what's going on but rather what you want it to be.  If I purchased a Christmas gift for someone and it did not work out I would expect them to tell me.  I did not expect a replacement but she went out and bought something because she never keeps receipts for what she buys.  So all you ladies complaining that they never tell the person who bought them a Christmas gift that it does not fit is hard to believe.  So you keep a gift that does not fit.  How silly is that.   

[Katcat1]

@NYC Susan,   So that's what you do at Christmas -- keep the gift and give it to someone else instead of telling the person it did not fit?  I don't care if 20 people think like you that is not the point.  You must be an introvert or passive not to speak up.  Of course, you don't speak up to hurt feelings but why would feelings be hurt if you say it doesn't fit.  That happens often at Christmas.  

[ladyroxanne]

what exactly does it mean it didn't "fit"?  clothing yes.  objects, no i don't think so.  particularly what you're talking about.

[jeanlake]

Such an interesting topic. When I was in my early 30s, young mom -- married with career I enjoyed -- busy social season -- a visiting pastor in his mid 60s shared that if you leave this world with 5 great, unconditionally loving friends (not including family unless you're counting them as friends) -- you're a lucky person. I remember rolling my eyes and thinking, well, that's a sad statement. I currently had more friends than I could count (it seemed). Now, in my early 60s, I'm thinking.... hey, he knew what he was speaking of. When I was younger I didn't have many standards in place for friends and friendships hadn't gone through the test of time. 

Friends are tiered and seasonal, but those fabulous inner circle, first tier, unconditional love, united hearts friends are precious and rare. My current pastor calls them '2am' friends. You can call them at 2am without hesitation. Now that I learned to differentiate types of friends, I rarely get disappointed in people. But when it does happen, it hurts.  

[Katcat1]

@jeanlake,  So far you are the only one that makes sense to me.  You are right there are different types of friends.  I have some very close friends and I guess I would consider her a friend but definitely not on the same level as my close friends.  I need to accept it for what it is.

[NYC Susan]

---

@Katcat1 wrote:

@NYC Susan,   So that's what you do at Christmas -- keep the gift and give it to someone else instead of telling the person it did not fit?  I don't care if 20 people think like you that is not the point.  You must be an introvert or passive not to speak up.  Of course, you don't speak up to hurt feelings but why would feelings be hurt if you say it doesn't fit.  That happens often at Christmas.  

---

I'm Jewish (so I do not celebrate Christmas), and I'm not at all an introvert nor am I passive.  So you've jumped to some conclusions about me that really have nothing to do with this.  You say you don't care if 20 people think like me.  Maybe you should care.  Many posters here are telling you that yes, what you did CAN cause hurt feelings.  Not everyone would feel that way, but you're hearing from a lot of people whose feelings would be hurt, so you might want to open your mind at least a little.

Telling someone that a gift doesn't fit in your microwave is rude.  An item of clothing might be different, depending on the closeness of the relationship and how easily the item could be exchanged for the correct size.  But saying that it doesn't fit in your microwave or your cabinet or whatever is not the same thing.  It sounds ungrateful, and yes it can be hurtful to someone who had thought she found something you would enjoy.  You could have simply thanked her, and then quietly exchanged it for a smaller size.

I suspect that your friend sees you as a complainer - Hence the distance.  JMO.

[NYC Susan]

---

@Hayfield wrote:

I never say anything but "thank you, I love it" when someone gives me something.  A good friend brought me back a bracelet from a trip she went on, which you would think, what's wrong with that?  Well, the bracelet had charms on it from the place she visited, I have never been there.  Why would I wear a bracelet with charms of a place I'd never been??  I thanked her and I've never worn it.  Someone gave me a scarf that I didn't like.  I thanked her for it, wore it once when we were going somewhere together and then gave it away.  I'm sure some of my friends have done the same thing with the gifts I have them over the years.  

---

Exactly.  It's the thought that counts, and it's selfish not to take into account the feelings of the friend who put time and thought into buying a gift.

My MIL once gave me a dress that was extremely unflattering to me.  The colors and style were not what I ever would have chosen.  But I thanked her at the time, and made sure to wear it when I saw her a few weeks later.  I never wore it again.  No harm done, no feelings hurt.  I accepted it in the spirit which had been intended.  

Gifts are not supposed to be about "things" and getting exactly what we want.  They're supposed to be about people showing good will and caring to one another.

[NYC Susan]

---

@noodleann wrote:

---

@Katcat1 wrote:

We use to meet once a month for lunch.  Other than that, she never called nor did I call her.  She gave me a Christmas gift that did not work out and I am still holding it.  She never called to say she has the replacement.  I am wondering if this is really a friendship.  What's your take on it?   

---

You're hanging onto a gift that you've made it clear you don't want, so now she can't return it and get her money back. But you expect her to cough up the smaller popcorn popper anyway? That doesn't seem fair. She probably thinks that because you kept it, it worked out.

She helped you out when you had a surgery.

She offered you a free pass to her swimming place, but you countered with needing to buy a suit, which she could easily have taken as a hint for her to buy you one. It's no wonder she said "never mind."

I see the giving coming from one direction--hers. That gets old very fast. If there are offsets that make things more even, great, but you haven't mentioned them. This sounds like, energetically, a one-way relationship, and she's done enough. If it was this lopsided all along, it wasn't what I'd call a friendship.

---

@noodleann, good catch!  You're right - She's holding onto the original gift, and expecting another in addition to it. That just adds to the high maintenance/exhausting vibe that I've been getting. (At the very least, the popper should have been returned along with the news that it didn't fit rather than pouting and complaining, and waiting for yet another gift.)

I agree also about the giving coming from one direction.  It's a shame really.  The friend seems like she was willing to go above and beyond, and be a good friend.  But no one wants to stick around if they're consistently not appreciated, and no one wants to always be on the giving end of a one-way relationship.

[Katcat1]

It's my fault the way I worded this thread.  But, yes, I did tell my friend that the popper did not fit in the microwave.  Then she called and said she bought a smaller one.  I am certainly not waiting for a gift/replacement.  However, it's hard to believe that when you receive a Christmas or Hanukkah gift and it doesn't fit that you just keep it.  And, what, give it to someone else?  I usually give my friends gift receipts.  All the friends I know would return the gift, if needed.  I guess it depends on your friends.