Re: What do we really owr our parentd?

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@Chopsmom wrote:
I may be in the minority on this one, but since it was the parents choice to estrange themselves many years ago, your friend has no obligation to them now.

I assume there is no power of attorney or living wills, so I'm not sure how much your friend can do as far as finances or medical decisions.

This is a tough situation.

That's why she's going there. Too see if they'll answer those questions or to look around to see if can find the contact info for there attorney. She said she inquired when her mom turned 80 but they told told she shouldn't concern herself with their affairs.

ThinkingOutLoud · ‎05-01-2020

Haven't read the responses so this may be a repeat.

She needs to set aside what's taken place since they moved to FL and get down there and get things set up to help them in this stage of life. This is family for crying out loud, not mere acquaintainces.

cindyNC · ‎08-01-2019

Maybe she needs to contact an attorney as recommended by another poster, then take one trip down to assess the situation prior to making a final decision.

Marp · ‎03-09-2010

@chrystaltree wrote: She's been hearing from their long time part-time housekeeper that they are behaving oddly and she thinks they both have some cognitive problems. The only eats crackers and cheese and has lost weight. The father fights with the neighbors over imaginary thefts.

While the parents could have cognitive problems they could also just be scared about a financial plight. Could they have been scammed out of their savings leaving them nearly destitute?

The eyes through which you see others may be the same as how they see you.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:
Haven't read the responses so this may be a repeat.

She needs to set aside what's taken place since they moved to FL and get down there and get things set up to help them in this stage of life. This is family for crying out loud, not mere acquaintainces.

I think none of us can understand a situation like this. I've known her for around 15 years and I always found it bizarre. I've know families that bickered or fought and didn't speak for a while but nothing like this. Those families knew why they were at odds. If this situation happened a few years ago or after a fight, I'd go to FL and make up with your parents and do what you can so. Take extended Family Leave if you need to. But that is not the situation. A few years after retiring to FL, these people made the decision to freeze out their daughter, siblings, nieces, nephews. So, it isn't a family the way I define family. I think she owe them anything but she does owe herself peace of mind. She needs to know that she tried to help in some way. With so much distance there's not much she can do anyway.

Boehm Collector · ‎03-09-2010

I think I owed my parents a great deal. My parents did so much for me when I was growing up and made a lot of sacrifices in order to do so. I took care of my mother for 15 years after my father died. When she was no longer able to live alone, my DH and I took her in to live with us. That was the least I could have done after all she did for me. She has been gone for 13 years and I miss her every day. But my conscience is at peace because I did as much as I could for her.

BoopOMatic · ‎06-08-2021

What would be the point of her going when their doctor is on vacation? That makes no sense.

She needs to call and talk to them before going.

Just because he fights with the neighbors that doesn't mean he has dementia. They could both be getting cranky but that doesn't mean dementia.

Unless they WANT her involvement, it would be pointless to go down there.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

Someone should see if her parents appointed an attorney? or someone else to be their executor. Just a thought.

hckynutjohn · ‎06-15-2015

@chrystaltree wrote:
That is the question my friend woke me up at 6:10 to ask. Told her I'd call her back after I took my pills and made some coffee. That gave me time to think. Of course every situation is different. She had good parents, she's an only child. She's 60, married with adult sons. Her parents are both 85 and have lived in FL for 25 years. For reasons that she doesn't understand, after a few years in FL, they just distanced themselves from everyone and everything in MA.

They became different people socially, politically, in terms of lifestyle. An upscale lifestyle with their friends. She's a teacher, she spent April spring break in FL with them. They were not on good terms with her husband or the grandsons and all of them were fine with that. That's the history. Now they are 85, no family in FL. The friends are gone or dead. She's been hearing from their long time part-time housekeeper that they are behaving oddly and she thinks they both have some cognitive problems. The only eats crackers and cheese and has lost weight.

The father fights with the neighbors over imaginary thefts. The police get involved and they call the housekeeper to calm him down. She drives them to where they need to go. But she's 70 and retiring before Christmas. They are her employers, not her friends. They aren't her responsibility. She wants my friend to come down and sort it out. There's a nurse from their doctors office who (my friend says) has been rude and nasty and insistent that she come and take care of her parents.

The parents obviously need to be assessed for dementia. My friend will take Family Leave and spend a week there. She hoped to talk with their doctor but he'll be on vacation that week and the rude nurse didn't seem to understand why my friend didn't drop everything and come to FL and "help" her parents. The parents do have medical issues but because of HIPPA, the nurse could not discuss that. Hence...come down here.

My friend's dilemma is that after 25 years, with little communication and perfunctory phone calls on birthdays, she doesn't know much about them and doesn't have any warm feelings for them. They never fought or argued, the parents just drifted off and started a new life that didn't include her and didn't include their own siblings whose funerals they did not attend. My friend feels that she owes them nothing, they are living the life they wanted. If they didn't make plans for what they appear to be going through now, that's on them.

There's nothing she can do for them from here anyway. She doesn't know what their financial situation is now. They were always "well off" due to family property they sold but she never knew the details. Her husband has cautioned her not to delve into their finances or give anyone in FL the impression that she is accepting any type of responsibility for them because that would be too much to ask. So we talked about what she owes them because they were good parents until FL when they "stepped away" from their family for reasons she still doesn't understand.

Gonna get back later. Separated into paragraphs to make it easier for me to read. Title caught my attention, as did tiny font a 1 long paragraph. Things to do. Later!

hn

hckynut(john)

Desert Lily · ‎06-24-2011

Much of what's told to our friends is hearsay without facts. Or, it's exaggeration. And then that gets interpreted again with yet another slant when it's retold.

Perhaps this friend could search senior homecare services and contact her parents with a list for them.