Among Friends

[reiki604]

What can you do for your friend? As harsh as it sounds, you realistically can do absolutely nothing.

[Scooby Doo]

There's nothing you can do, and she probably doesn't want advice.  I would just offer some sympathy and move on to the next topic.  If SHE brings it up again, I'd say that I've been very ill myself, and I have to concentrate on getting myself well.

[RedTop]

Vivian,

You have made references to this friend several times, and it's obvious she means a great deal to you, and you have concerns about situations impacting her life.   However, from 3000 miles away, all you can do is listen.  That's all she needs you to do is listen.  Your friend has no control over decisions made by her 45 year old daughter; she is as powerless to do for her daughter, as you are powerless to do for your friend.   Step back, let her reach out to you, and just offer her the comfort of your voice and your friendship.    

[lulu2]

@Vivian

If this person means a lot to you you have 2 choices:

1.  Have a serious discussion with her about how you really feel

2.  Continue to bite your tongue and be hurt and frustrated by her selfishness and lack of    empathy toward you.

I suspect that she's been in your life for many years and she's always been like this.  Only you can decide if it's worth keeping a toxic person in your life.

As I've gotten older, I find myself steering clear of people who feel the world revolves around them and their crises.

[Moonchilde]

There are lots of people like this person - superficial and self-centered. Often they say they have tons of "friends", who are really nothing more than collected acquaintances they *call* friends because it sounds good.

They are so mememe they are incapable of anything more.

As others have said - walk away from this person who is not your friend. She may "not understand" and be puzzled, hurt, blahblah.  Just walk away and look for real friendships - which are, sadly, few and far between.

[Vivian]

It's interesting to me that many of you have hit the nail on the head about my friend. She keeps telling me I am her best friend but she has never maintained any long term friendships since she moved to the west coast decades ago. Those are her own words. My husband and my mother say that I could not have maintained the friendship if my friend hadn't moved. She grew up in a very wealthy family and never worked a day in her life. Her husband left her to raise two very young children who are now in their 40s. She can be very kind and generous at times but sometimes I feel as if she treats me like a maid who didn't clean the floors properly.

Sorry for all my venting. I'm feeling hurt and insulted for being chastised for trying to be helpful. She hasn't turned to her son and daughter in law because the latter doesn't speak to her and my friend doesn't want to bother her son....but what about the daughter, the one who's sick, asking her brother for help? Her daughter buys only organic food yet went to a quack for this awful procedure. It makes no sense but I think the consensus of opinion is that I should keep my mouth and my email shut. That is exactly what I must do. Thank you all for your guidance.

[scotnovel]

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@Vivian Florimond wrote:

I guess I'm upset by my friend's attacks because of some of her reactions to problems I had. When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer several years ago she said, "You're lucky because you have the good cancer." It sure didn't feel that way but I didn't say anything because she meant well. When I was diagnosed with MRSA she actually wrote, "Goody! You have a diagnosis." Again, I kept quiet because I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I suppose I was hoping for her to be a little more tolerant of my remarks. I guess I wound up on that road to you-know-where with my good intentions.

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She sounds a little bit passive aggressive.  I had and stress had a friend who was upset that she had a couple of serious health issues and that I had none.   I didn't give her advice, but, for a few months during her most serious illnes, I took her to several doctor's & other appointments, brought food a couple of times a week to her and her husband, and ran some errands for them since she was not allowed to drive for a few months.  We had been friends for over 30 years.  Then one day she told me she didn't understand why she got sick and I didn't because she took better care of herself than I did and that she couldn't wait until I had a near death experience.  I pulled back from that "friendship" shortly after that.  No one needs a "friend" like that.  

[DJs mom]

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@Desertdi wrote:

Your friend doesn't sound like the type who would actually listen to you.

What shocks me, is that someone with a son & daughter-in-law who are DOCTORS.....would do something as foolish as going to a home party for a medical procedure.

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Not the same person. The OP's friend has the son/daughter-in-law who are doctors. The person who got the injections is siblings with the doctors, the friend's other child.

[151949]

People should understand that when someone is venting their frustration they don't want you to tell them your opinion about what to do - they just want you to agree with everything they say, even if you don't actually agree. Then , later, you can ask them if they are ready for a suggestion, maybe they will say ok or maybe not. If they aren't ready to hear it - keep it to yourself. As for the daughter and her situation - her insurance probably requires she have a referral from her PCP so , yes , she does HAVE TO see him first. Maybe she can tell them how serious this reaction is and get an earlier appt.

[Moonchilde]

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@scotnovel wrote:

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@Vivian Florimond wrote:

I guess I'm upset by my friend's attacks because of some of her reactions to problems I had. When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer several years ago she said, "You're lucky because you have the good cancer." It sure didn't feel that way but I didn't say anything because she meant well. When I was diagnosed with MRSA she actually wrote, "Goody! You have a diagnosis." Again, I kept quiet because I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I suppose I was hoping for her to be a little more tolerant of my remarks. I guess I wound up on that road to you-know-where with my good intentions.

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She sounds a little bit passive aggressive.  I had and stress had a friend who was upset that she had a couple of serious health issues and that I had none.   I didn't give her advice, but, for a few months during her most serious illnes, I took her to several doctor's & other appointments, brought food a couple of times a week to her and her husband, and ran some errands for them since she was not allowed to drive for a few months.  We had been friends for over 30 years.  Then one day she told me she didn't understand why she got sick and I didn't because she took better care of herself than I did and that she couldn't wait until I had a near death experience.  I pulled back from that "friendship" shortly after that.  No one needs a "friend" like that.  

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There are folks out there who believe things that haven't happened to them aren't real, or whatever happened to them is different than what happens to others - THEIR issue is unique.

I have had two people like this in my family. They are not being malicious, they just.don't.compute. It can be highly irritating even when I know they don't recognize themselves and don't mean to be nasty. One was highly self-centered, the other is not at all, but just oblivious to her mindset wherein any experience different from hers is creepy, weird, something (psychologically) wrong with others, etc.

But people who DO know what they're doing - run for the hills!