Among Friends

[jubilant]

I am very sorry for your loss.  I really think it depends on what kind of relationship you have with this friend of your dads.  If it is amicable, I think I would thank her for calling and tell her that you didn't feel like talking about it at this time or that you needed time to yourself to grieve. If your feelings toward her aren't amicable and/or you don't want to talk to her at all, I would say the same thing but leave off the, "thank you for calling"  phrase.  That way she may not feel it necessary or wise to call you back. 

[gailcoco]

 I have a different take on this situation.  Is this friend of your father also grieving?  Where they close, close - in the man - woman sense?  If so, your father may have asked his friend to help you through this hard time and grieve together.  If this is the case, then I suggest you limit the amount of time spent on the phone but be kind as she is also grieving and reaching out to you.

If this female friend was not very close to your father then you can be a bit more blunt and tell her you are too overwhelmed to talk and need time and space right now.

Best wishes for you and a prayer goes out for you.

[Noel7]

People who don't have a serious chronic illness, or haven't lived with someone who does, really have no idea what the issues are that are involved.

The OP has said this woman brings her down.  That's the crux of it, right there.  The OP doesn't owe anyone anything when we are talking about her health.

It is the first and most important thing those with a chronic illness must learn... or we could end up in the hospital with a serious problem.

There will always be people who will take advantage of others, who will drain them, drag them down just as the OP described it.  Being nice to them will change nothing, but it is possible to be nice while firmly saying "No."

[Keeper of the koi]

Beautifully said Noel.....Maryanne

[Thrive]

Thank you to Noel and all of you wonderful ladies. I feel like I know exactly how to handle this person now!  I feel like a little stress has been lifted.   God Bless

[Noel7]

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@Keeper of the koi wrote:

Beautifully said Noel.....Maryanne

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@Keeper of the koi

Keeper of the koi, that is so nice of you to say.  Please know how much I appreciate hearing that from you

It took me a long time to get to the point where I could say no without feeling guilty, including with one woman I knew who used to chastise me if I said I didn't feel good enough to go out with her. 

I hope it helps the OP to hear that it's OK for her to say no to being dragged down.  I read enough about chronic illness other than lupus to know most of us suffer the same issues, and being able to say no without guilt is one of them.

[Noel7]

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@Furry wrote:

Thank you to Noel and all of you wonderful ladies. I feel like I know exactly how to handle this person now!  I feel like a little stress has been lifted.   God Bless

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[adoreqvc]

My Dear Furry,

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your dear Father.

Grief takes many forms, and people react differently.

Many isolate themselves and welcome the isolation and being alone, although for too long a period of time, that is not at all a healthy option.

Others really feel the need to reach out and share their grief, especially if in your situation your Dad was a very close friend with this Lady.

Who knows, he may have asked she keep communications open with you, if he could no longer communicate himself.

I also sympathize and am so sorry in addition to losing your dear Father, you also have very serious health problems, and I agree grieving in itself is totally a debilitating very stressful situation, but compounding that with your specific health disability really adds so much additional anxiety and stress, into what is already a very sad, and stressful situation.

Grief is never easy, but you must be honest with this gal and only relate what she really needs to know, but reassure her that when you feel much stronger and the grieving is not as painfully intense, you will contact her, but ask she respect your right to grieve privately for as long as it takes.

You cannot permit anyone to place added anxiety and stress on your now, but do tell her if she is really grieving that you understand, and perhaps she can join group therapy grief sessions which specialize in loss & grief.

That may help her in a better way, since that is interactions with many who are also experiencing loss and grief.

Please also do a QVC Community search and type in Delayed Grief, and read the posts and replies....I and others have contributed so much and I know it will give you much insight as to what the solo grief journey entails, when we lose someone we loved, in case this is the first  grief journey path you will walk.

It is a very sad confusing journey which we all must take when those we love pass away, and leave us to go on with our earthly tasks.

The Delayed Grief thread certainly helped me during my most darkest moments. We all shared our own personal  grief journey experiences, and helped others understand all the grief steps which are clearly referenced.

Also please speak with your Physician if you feel the need, as there are non addictive meds that can be prescribed to offer you help with dealing with your loss, and grief.

Perhaps you may or may not need a grief group session, but only you can make that decision after some time has passed.

Just please do not totally isolate yourself because vast depression can do a great deal of harm to your mind, and body.

God bless you Furry, and btw I do check the Delayed Grief thread often, as others also do in my absence since I do travel a lot.... and we all try our best to help anyone who posts.

In closing I can add you also must be diligent and ensure you do drink and eat, and take your vitamins along with any other meds prescribed to help you get through this very difficult time.

“Your beloved Father would not want you to grieve indefinitely, but do whatever you can to ensure you do not jeopardize your very existence in any way while you are grieving.

After the grieving lessens your Father would want you to continue to enjoy life and live, as that was the intention when you were created.

Death is a part of life, and painful as it is, we can only learn to eventually accept what we have no control over, and what we cannot change, and go forth as best as we can.

[Thrive]

Thank you Adoreqvc!  I will check into the group that you mentioned.

                                                             God Bless

[Bird mama]

@Thrive

Furry, first of all, I am so very sorry that you've lost your father.  Please accept my condolences.

When my DH died and I was going through some grief counseling, my therapist suggested I use this phrase to cut off unwanted conversation on the subject.

"Now is not a good time for me to discuss this"

The thought is, most people will be accept this and not push by asking so when is a good time.

Then again, I don't know the woman's personality.  You may need to be a bit more stern and just say you are trying to deal with your own grief at this time and are not emotionally able to help her handle hers.