Re: What Do You Think?

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

To his family, you may be seen as a "room mate". They may think you go to be with your family. ?????? Wonder why he hasn't talked to his family so you could be included. Is it worth it to you to talk to him and get this ironed out?

HeiressIn-FL · ‎04-25-2010

@Calcgirl wrote:
I have a boyfriend who lives with me. Both of us are widow and widower and marriage is out. We do share expenses and chores. So far so good.
However, what hurts me is when he goes to his hometown to visit family I am never invited, this includes major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.Additionally, when his grown children call him they never send their regards to me or ask about me. I have always been kind to them and I took care of their dad ( boyfriend) when he had cancer ( which is why I invited him to move in) . AM I being overly sensitive? My children always include him and treat him as family; with him and his I feel like an outsider.

I had to unload since I just found out he is going back for Thanksgiving and there will be family and friends invited.
Have a nice day everyone. I miss my late husband and the feeling of belonging .

WOW, there is so much wrong here...but I think, in reality, you know what you need to do. God will give you the strength to do so, just listen to Him. Wishing you the best.❤🙏

Education | Sorority Alumna | PGA Foundation | Coffee and Brunch are my thing.

vsm · ‎05-08-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
@Calcgirl wrote:
I have a boyfriend who lives with me. Both of us are widow and widower and marriage is out. We do share expenses and chores. So far so good.
However, what hurts me is when he goes to his hometown to visit family I am never invited, this includes major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.Additionally, when his grown children call him they never send their regards to me or ask about me. I have always been kind to them and I took care of their dad ( boyfriend) when he had cancer ( which is why I invited him to move in) . AM I being overly sensitive? My children always include him and treat him as family; with him and his I feel like an outsider.

I had to unload since I just found out he is going back for Thanksgiving and there will be family and friends invited.
Have a nice day everyone. I miss my late husband and the feeling of belonging .

No, you're not being overly sensitive. Only you know how much this bothers you (and apparently it bothers you a lot because you're writing about it here). I know that this would not work for me. If I felt pushed out and not included on major holidays, I would be pretty unhappy.

The way his children treat you is one thing. It's not great, but that may be out of his control. But the rest of it? Leaving you alone on major holidays? No, IMO it's wrong and thoughtless. You deserve to feel cherished and wanted - not excluded. If you're a couple, he shouldn't be treating you like an outsider.

I think you have to figure out if you would be happier with him or without him. I'm sending my best wishes to you.

He sounds more like a selfish roommate than a "boyfriend."

AuntG · ‎03-09-2010

You have a real gem of a man and he has a great caregiver.Why would he want "the help" to socialize with his family?

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

AuntG: Right On!

jannabelle1 · ‎09-12-2010

Are you in love with this man? Is he in love with you? Or are you living together to share expenses? If it's the latter, then there should be no expectations with his family. If you two love each other, then he needs to let his family know what the relationship is. If marriage is out of the question, then you need to decide why you want to take care of him going forward. Please think about that.

pigletsmom · ‎11-21-2011

Sound like you have two choices.

Stay with him and stop letting this bother you. You have to fully accept it if you want to stay with him.

Or if you can't accept it you break up.

The in between of these two things will be untenable eventually. If you stay but silently resent this it will ruin the relationship at some point.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@jubilant wrote:
Someone recently confided in me about a very similar situation. I did not advise her one way or the other as she didn't ask. I sure wanted to! She is not the only one I see this happening to. It really appears to me that this person is being used for his companionship and this would be someone I wouldn't want to count on if I ever got really sick or needed help. From what I am seeing it's a lot easier to jump off the wagon when you're not married and don't have total commitment.

I think you raised a good point. She's already told him how she feels about being excluded. He made excuses, and apparently plans to continue excluding her. I didn't see anything about him even being open to the possibility of compromise.

Despite what his family does or doesn't do, wants or doesn't want, HE is the one who is being inconsiderate of her feelings and needs. So yes, I wouldn't feel that I could count on him to be there for me. That shouldn't be the case in a good relationship. I think the OP deserves better.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Effie54 wrote:
From where I stand, this relationship seems inequitable. I can't imagine living with a partner who doesn't include me in holidays and events in his life. Whether his children approve or not - that's their problem, not yours or his. It seems that he conveniently gets hiw way and you go along with it? Why? Life is too short to live out holidays alone. There is no rational reason for this. This would be an unacceptable deal-breaker for me.

Me too.

And it's not just about holidays. It's about the role he sees her playing in his life. If he didn't realize how hurt she feels, I would encourage her to put away the brave face and have an honest conversation with him. But she's already done that, and it's made no difference.

She's not a little chickie on the side. They're in a relationship, and they live together. He should care about her feelings and he should treat her respectfully. And he should WANT to be with her on holidays. Pushing her away on a regular basis is wrong.

Only she can decide what to do, but it would be an unacceptable deal-breaker for me too.