Among Friends

[Effie54]

From where I stand, this relationship seems inequitable. I can't imagine living with a partner who doesn't include me in holidays and events in his life. Whether his children approve or not - that's their problem, not yours or his. It seems that he conveniently gets hiw way and you go along with it? Why? Life is too short to live out holidays alone. There is no rational reason for this. This would be an unacceptable deal-breaker for me. 

[Sweetbay magnolia]

I find, that as I age, the "new frontiers" are emotional depths.  The cost of sadness about changes in life is too great a price to pay, for the today.

Of course I am sad, and of course there is sadness.  But there are other sides to the circle to find and, in which to find, a handle on things.  To keep the head above water.  To avoid the "undertoad", if you have read The World According to Garp.  Gravity is everpresent.

Good luck in your navigation.  I just thought about a holiday that I spent alone - all of my family was doing something outside of our worlds colliding and I felt sad for a moment.  I realized, then, that I had probably told them to go on.  I would be fine.  And I was.  I'm not  sure they realized it, or that I did either, but I see now that I can count on my strength; hopefully so can others.

Maybe your BF knows, or thinks he knows that, about you.

[Montana]

From his own mouth, he does not consider you as "family".  I think you need to clarify the nature of this relationship in your own mind.

[Eileen in Virginia]

@Calcgirl When he’s making his holiday plans, does he ask you what you’re going to do for the holidays while he’s away? If he thinks of what you’ve got together as a romantic relationship, he should be concerned about how you’ll be spending your holiday and that you won’t be lonely. You said you share expenses. If he pays a higher proportion than you do, he may see the relationship as him helping a friend financially who helped him through a difficult health crisis. Do you know what kind of relationship he had with his wife? Maybe he’s treating you the way he treated her. Maybe his kids are doing the same.

In any event, it seems like things are working out just fine for him. He may actually be so obtuse that he doesn’t realize how much his and his family’s thoughtlessness hurts you. Set aside some time to discuss the relationship honestly with him. If you’ve been putting on a brave front up to this point, now’s the time to let your true feelings out. If he truly didn’t realize what they were doing, he can remedy that by including you in his plans, beginning with Thanksgiving. Two can stay in a hotel room just as easily as one. If he doesn’t see the problem, you need to decide if you’re willing to continue being his friend with benefits. However it turns out, you should be comfortable with your situation. Otherwise, you’ll resent the years that your good works were not appreciated. Good luck!

[SeaMaiden]

@Calcgirl    If you are in this relationship... you need to ask him why you are not invited. I would ask or I would break up.  If you feel you can not discuss this with him... then the relationship is not a very good one. ASK HIM. 

[Loves Purple]

I believe you need to really think hard about your relationship with this man and then have a serious conversation with him, but before you do, take a few days or a week to put your thoughts, feelings, (good and bad) and incidents with him and his family on paper as they come to you. When you read them all, how do you feel? Happy, respected, listened to and acknowledged, cared for?  Or sad and left out, his caretaker, excluded at other times not just the holidays? These are things only you know and you must decide if this relationship is worth it.  

Just consider also, he had health issues before and you took care of him without help from his children. The odds are he will have health issues again and you will bear the brunt of his care again without help. Are you up to that possibility and all it may entail? Another very important thought is, if you become sick, can you see him taking care of you as you did him, or will it be up to your children to take over completely? 

I lost my husband 3 1/2 years ago after gladly taking care of him for almost 3 years before. The sadness and loneliness of knowing the one person who loved you and you loved more than anything in the world and could always count on is gone is unbelievable and overwhelming at times. I know how you feel. Personally, I would rather live alone than live with someone who doesn’t make me feel included and important to him. I hope you do what you have to do for yourself (your future) and put yourself first.  All my best to you and please keep us updated.  

[SeaMaiden]

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@nikkisaunt1 wrote:

It sounds to me that his family does not consider you to be a significant part of THEIR lives. They very likely see you only as their father's roommate abd friend, but not significant other. Perhaps they cannot accept another love for their father beside their mother who passed. So they exclude you at holidays because that is family time and they don't see you as family. 

Your boyfriend doesn't say anything probably because he doesn't want to alienate his children.  However, you need to figure out if this is okay to you to always be shunted when it comes to his family especially if your own is so warm and welcoming to him. 

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also.... children often times think that the OTHER WOMAN in their Dad's life might take part of the inheritance if there is one..... sad but true.   You might be a threat to them. 

[Scorpio1971]

Sorry to hear of your situation.  My suggestion...time to make plans with friends without inviting him...start with shopping/day trips then on to overnight little mini vacation sightseeing get aways leaving him alone...all alone.  Then see if the tide changes. Maybe that is what he will need to see the light.  If it doesn't then I would suggest the next step is again your decision.  Sorry to be so blunt but what is sense of calling him your boyfriend when he obviously does not include you in his "other" life.  

[Group 5 minus 1]

All of this is very sad. Maybe the two of you need to talk to someone. I feel that you guys are not direct w/each other . Does he know how you feel. Why is marriage out?

What would happen if you two decided to spend the holidays together?(without family)

Does any of his family ever visit you? 

I think a piece of this puzzle is missing. If you want opinions you must tell us all.

[Group 5 minus 1]

Thought a lot about this while folding clothes.

Does he call you his "girlfriend"

Do you share a bedroom?

Do you own property together?

Most of your posts talk about your late husband-why? Thought this was about your present relationship.

You are complaining about his family not helping to take care of him when he was ill.

Why are you doing that?

Making plans w/out him is just foolish.

And I am done.