Among Friends

[violann]

Well, there's ALWAYS something! My first thought as I read your post, @Calcgirl , was how beautifully you and your Significant Other have addressed the complex intricacies of companionship and loss in our age group.

Among my circle, I notice that some families merge joyfully and peacefully, some don't and never do, and some fail to find a way of letting lose of old traditions and memories and attempt to stay with what had worked for them in their pasts.

How comforting for you both that your children embrace him, and acknowledge by doing so that they respect their mom's choices and autonomy. How sad that it seems that his children are unable to leave the past to join him in his present.

I hope they are civil to you when you meet face to face. Do you tell him when he is speaking to them on the phone to give them YOUR best regards, in hopes that maybe such low key gestures might help break the ice a bit?

I'm sometimes a little surprised about the things people choose to focus on or not focus on. It does sound that his family isn't quite as evolved in relationships as yours. It doesn't sound as though you are being overly sensitive. 

Might he like to invite his family to join you both where you are, for some kind of celebration not associated with one of the major holidays? Whether or not the event ever came off, might an invitation from you both indicate the degree to which you care about each other.

I miss the old celebrations terribly. For me, everything stopped in 2014. Luckily I still have a wonderful spouse and sons and grandchildren who fill the house with joy. But my heart understands what you miss. 

[chiclet]

When you get married young you have a blank slate and your lives grow together and everything is combined.  Later in life relationships don't seem that way.  You have lived complete lives before each other came along and there is so much from the past you don't share.  All you can do is talk to him.  If he does not want to talk about it and share that part of his life, you have the choice of splitting up or accepting that some parts of your life will not be combined.  As far as love in later life some people find it but I think it is hard to love like you did when you were young.  

[FranandZoe]

I think what's more interesting is that HE doesn't care about being with you on major holidays!

[AngelPuppy1]

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@Calcgirl wrote:

I have a boyfriend who lives with me. Both of us are widow and widower and marriage is out.  We do share expenses and chores. So far so good.

However, what hurts me is when he goes to his hometown to visit family I am never invited, this includes major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.Additionally,  when his grown children call him they never send their regards to me or ask about me.  I have always been kind to them and I took care of their dad ( boyfriend) when he had cancer ( which is why I invited him to move in) .  AM I being overly sensitive? My children always include him and treat him as family; with him and his I feel like an outsider. 

I had to unload since I just found out he is going back for Thanksgiving and there will be family and friends invited.  

Have a nice day everyone.  I miss  my late husband and the feeling of belonging .

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@Calcgirl 

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. You should!  I hope you have expressed that you feel left out and if you haven't, you really should.  I know I would feel really unhappy if I were sharing my life with someone and included him in everything and then he turned around and excluded me from his family and all his family get togethers.  It is not fair to you and he needs to realize this.  So, since he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it, I would ask him point blank --- why???? 

[kaydee50]

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@RoughDraft wrote:

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a roommate.  The next move is up to you.

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Agree completely.  The OP thinks of him as a "significant other"; he thinks of her as a roomate and not someone he needs to introduce to his family.  The decision is hers.

[KingstonsMom]

@Calcgirl 

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
― Maya Angelou

[queendiva]

I think this might be your new normal. Not the same relationship as with a husband.

We do tell people how we wish to be treated. You are the one who invited him into your home. I think this says a lot. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. It would not be for me. If he treats you well in every other regard, I would give him a pass. If you are feeling marginalized and he is living in your home I would re-evaluate the relationship.

[Imaoldhippie]

IMO you have a boyfriend he does not have a girlfriend or you would be included with his family.  Its time for you to rethink your "relationship".

[jubilant]

Someone recently confided in me about a very similar situation.  I did not advise her one way or the other as she didn't ask.  I sure wanted to!  She is not the only one I see this happening to. It really appears to me that this person is being used for his companionship and this would be someone I wouldn't want to count on if I ever got really sick or needed help.  From what I am seeing it's a lot easier to jump off the wagon when you're not married and don't have total commitment.

[Vivian]

I know of two cases like this. One was my daughter. Her boyfriend just didn't want the complication of introducing her to his daughters, who never got over their parents' divorce that happened years before. My daughter eventually broke up with him. The second case is a dear friend. She has never been part of her boyfriend's family. She admits now that she never should have put up with it. She should have ended the relationship long ago but now he is dying. She said he treats her like a mistress, not a girlfriend. He even told her she cannot attend his funeral. I think she stayed with him out of loneliness but she has paid a very heavy emotional price. I think the O/P has every right to feel upset.