Among Friends

[CelticCrafter]

She's being unreasonable to think either one of you should put your lives on hold to take care of her while she is recovering.

You help when you can however she's not your responsibility.

[jeanlake]

All you can do - is all you can do. Help where you can, make suggestions - only if she asks - and find your 'no guilt zone.' aka (also known as) Happy Place

Wish I had learned about healthy personal boundaries earlier than I did, but find those boundaries - it's a beautiful thing!

[house_cat]

Thank you for your caring responses.  Thanks, also, for understanding that there is no animosity between us - she is a very dear friend. 

She has been divorced for many years, having run away to escape an abusive husband and raising her children primarily on her own.  She sometimes lets on that she thinks the two of us who have husbands, have help and support that she does not have.  In actuality, this is not true because I am responsible for financial support, and just about every other kind of support for myself and my husband. I sometimes envy the freedom that she has, being responsible for no one but herself.  

Three years ago, she had knee replacement surgery.  My husband was not as incapacitated as he is now, so I was available more. That probably set an unrealistic precedent. 

She was a member of a local church at that time, which has since disbanded. The pastor's wife set up a volunteer schedule and people volunteered to bring her meals for several weeks after her knee surgery.  She thought that was wonderful and felt appropriately cared for, while I was horrified at the prospect of ever asking for that degree of help from anyone. It's ironic, because she's such a self-reliant, independant woman in so many ways.

@happycat

I recommended that she call the agency I used when I needed extra care for my parents. She won't call them, because even though the hourly rate is reasonable, they require clients to pay for four hours of assistance a day and she feels that's unnecessary.  I explained that when I used that agency for my parents, they provided help with personal care, but also prepared a simple lunch for them and did laundry. I don't think 4 hours is unreasonable.

@desert lily

She scheduled the surgery before I even knew it anything about it. A friend from her bookclub has offered to drive her and bring her home and stay the first night.

@Ifeelwicked

Thankfully, it's her left arm and she is right-handed.

@angelpuppy

My DH relies heavily on Lyft rides, and sometimes Uber, to get him to doctor appointments when I am at work.  There are so many of them in my area that he can barely make a quick bathroom stop and grab his wallet and keys before they are outside my door.  I was critical of those companies when they first came on the scene, but I can no longer imagine life without them.  

@PamfromCT

Thank you for mentioning VNA. I will look into that.

[qbetzforreal]

If she didn't say anything, don't worry about.  Do what you can to help.

[candys mine]

Oh @house_cat you are a love for giving her the help you Can.  Just to prove you have your friends best interests at heart you can bring her some presants for post surgery. A sock slider and and electric can opener come to mind.  and while your are at it Do tell your other friend how absolutely dear they are to take your friend into their home once they return from their trip and would they want you to drop off some clothes before She is to arrive so they can set up her room in advance? 

Really, Don't let her guilt you into ANYTHING.  Do give her some help and company as your own life permits.

I wish her a speedy recovery to health.

[dex]

@house_cat@I think you are a wonderful friend.The lady you are talking about lives on her own so over time she has forgotten about the responsibilities  you have that can make you stretched thin.You offered to help and also gave her some suggestions to get her through....what more can you do.I suppose that she would love for you to stay with her for a couple of days but then who steps in to look after your responsibilities.You just do what you can and be supportive with extra checking in phone calls.She will be able to cope better after the healing starts and she is not worried about all of the what if’s.

[stevieb]

You've offered the help you believe you are able to offer given the other things going on in your life. Your offer of help seems reasonable and generous. There's no reason to feel like a heel. 

[happycat]

@house_cat, I don't think 4 hours is unreasonable either. She may be surprised at what all she needs help with when the time comes.

Also wanted to add, I think she is very lucky to have you as a friend.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

I agree w/everyone else.........don't feel guilty! She assumes too much.

[ALRATIBA]

Is it all that difficult to get home delivery where you live?  

I had surgery on my right arm (radial head implant) ... I managed quite well alone.  Grocery store delivered anything I needed, and local restaurant bought dinner each day.  

After surgery, I was in a metal brace for four months.

Don't feel guilty.