Among Friends

[Moonchilde]

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@Lacey1 wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more.  As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

Wow. The 'Process'? 'Accept?' Slip into the community? I sure hope you never find yourself living in a nursing home, waiting for the phone to ring, or a weekly visit. Trust me, it's bad enough knowing that none of your family wanted to take you in, but to have to get used to infrequent visits-that's just brutal.

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Um...sorry, but Retort Fail (and I'll just throw in a "wow" for good measure). The part of my post which you highlighted states that my mother was called almost *daily* and visited 1-2 times a week. If you think that's some sort of neglect, you live in a fantasy world.  "Infrequent visits." "Brutal."  LOL.

Family members and friends, however much they love someone, have jobs, their own families, and obligations. When a family member goes into a nursing home, they do not suddenly become the primary, full-time responsibility of everyone in their life above all else to insure they are in contact every waking moment.

My point, which you clearly missed, is that once in a nursing home one needs to try and make new friends and become involved in the activities instead of expecting the world to come to you. Life should ideally be a balance between family/friends contact and helping onesself. Life is at least in part what YOU make it, not what you expect others to make for you.

ETA - "Bad enough knowing that your family didn't want to take you in" - you do grasp the concept that in many instances, people are in nursing homes because they require care (both in skill and in hours) that cannot be provided in a home? That not every family has a room where an extra person could live? Sheesh.

[Lacey1]

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Lacey1 wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more.  As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

Wow. The 'Process'? 'Accept?' Slip into the community? I sure hope you never find yourself living in a nursing home, waiting for the phone to ring, or a weekly visit. Trust me, it's bad enough knowing that none of your family wanted to take you in, but to have to get used to infrequent visits-that's just brutal.

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Um...sorry, but Retort Fail (and I'll just throw in a "wow" for good measure). The part of my post which you highlighted states that my mother was called almost *daily* and visited 1-2 times a week. If you think that's some sort of neglect, you live in a fantasy world.  "Infrequent visits." "Brutal."  LOL.

Family members and friends, however much they love someone, have jobs, their own families, and obligations. When a family member goes into a nursing home, they do not suddenly become the primary, full-time responsibility of everyone in their life above all else to insure they are in contact every waking moment.

My point, which you clearly missed, is that once in a nursing home one needs to try and make new friends and become involved in the activities instead of expecting the world to come to you. Life should ideally be a balance between family/friends contact and helping onesself. Life is at least in part what YOU make it, not what you expect others to make for you.

ETA - "Bad enough knowing that your family didn't want to take you in" - you do grasp the concept that in many instances, people are in nursing homes because they require care (both in skill and in hours) that cannot be provided in a home? That not every family has a room where an extra person could live? Sheesh.

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Sheesh is right. Yes, you have to justify and live with your decision to put your mom in a home. I've heard it all-' I have to work, the bathroom is on the second floor, Mom will have people her own age to talk to'. Like I said; I hope your family decides not to confine you to such a 'life', but if they do- I"m sure you'll adapt.

[Moonchilde]

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@Lacey1 wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Lacey1 wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more.  As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

Wow. The 'Process'? 'Accept?' Slip into the community? I sure hope you never find yourself living in a nursing home, waiting for the phone to ring, or a weekly visit. Trust me, it's bad enough knowing that none of your family wanted to take you in, but to have to get used to infrequent visits-that's just brutal.

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Um...sorry, but Retort Fail (and I'll just throw in a "wow" for good measure). The part of my post which you highlighted states that my mother was called almost *daily* and visited 1-2 times a week. If you think that's some sort of neglect, you live in a fantasy world.  "Infrequent visits." "Brutal."  LOL.

Family members and friends, however much they love someone, have jobs, their own families, and obligations. When a family member goes into a nursing home, they do not suddenly become the primary, full-time responsibility of everyone in their life above all else to insure they are in contact every waking moment.

My point, which you clearly missed, is that once in a nursing home one needs to try and make new friends and become involved in the activities instead of expecting the world to come to you. Life should ideally be a balance between family/friends contact and helping onesself. Life is at least in part what YOU make it, not what you expect others to make for you.

ETA - "Bad enough knowing that your family didn't want to take you in" - you do grasp the concept that in many instances, people are in nursing homes because they require care (both in skill and in hours) that cannot be provided in a home? That not every family has a room where an extra person could live? Sheesh.

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Sheesh is right. Yes, you have to justify and live with your decision to put your mom in a home. I've heard it all-' I have to work, the bathroom is on the second floor, Mom will have people her own age to talk to'. Like I said; I hope your family decides not to confine you to such a 'life', but if they do- I"m sure you'll adapt.

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Too bizarre. Such rage and unspoken resentments (not to mention fear).  Well, your family is certainly going to have an interesting time when it's your turn. And just because you're sure it will never be your lot doesn't mean it won't be. Especially if you're as charming and judgmental towards your family as you are to everyone else.  SMH. Not worth further discussion.

[Lacey1]

"Too bizarre. Such rage and unspoken resentments (not to mention fear).  Well, your family is certainly going to have an interesting time when it's your turn. And just because you're sure it will never be your lot doesn't mean it won't be. Especially if you're as charming and judgmental towards your family as you are to everyone else.  SMH. Not worth further discussion"

Hmmm. Certainly hit a nerve. You have to sleep at night, so keep telling yourself how much mom loved that nursing home. BTW: When my mother became ill, I went on night shift, emptied out the dining room and put a hospital bed in. I bathed her and changed diapers. between me and my father-we made her comfortable until she passed in her home of fifty years.

[Noel7]

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@Lacey1 wrote:

"Too bizarre. Such rage and unspoken resentments (not to mention fear).  Well, your family is certainly going to have an interesting time when it's your turn. And just because you're sure it will never be your lot doesn't mean it won't be. Especially if you're as charming and judgmental towards your family as you are to everyone else.  SMH. Not worth further discussion"

Hmmm. Certainly hit a nerve. You have to sleep at night, so keep telling yourself how much mom loved that nursing home. BTW: When my mother became ill, I went on night shift, emptied out the dining room and put a hospital bed in. I bathed her and changed diapers. between me and my father-we made her comfortable until she passed in her home of fifty years.

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What does that have to do with telling a mere neighbor, while the OP is suffering the loss of her father, that she has to visit a woman she doesn't like and who makes her feel bad?

BTW, I also took care of my mother, then my father, then my father's best friend, then helped my husband take care of his father.

I don't see any of that as bragging rights.

[Stray]

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Lacey1 wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Lacey1 wrote:

---

@Moonchilde wrote:

I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more.  As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

Wow. The 'Process'? 'Accept?' Slip into the community? I sure hope you never find yourself living in a nursing home, waiting for the phone to ring, or a weekly visit. Trust me, it's bad enough knowing that none of your family wanted to take you in, but to have to get used to infrequent visits-that's just brutal.

---

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Um...sorry, but Retort Fail (and I'll just throw in a "wow" for good measure). The part of my post which you highlighted states that my mother was called almost *daily* and visited 1-2 times a week. If you think that's some sort of neglect, you live in a fantasy world.  "Infrequent visits." "Brutal."  LOL.

Family members and friends, however much they love someone, have jobs, their own families, and obligations. When a family member goes into a nursing home, they do not suddenly become the primary, full-time responsibility of everyone in their life above all else to insure they are in contact every waking moment.

My point, which you clearly missed, is that once in a nursing home one needs to try and make new friends and become involved in the activities instead of expecting the world to come to you. Life should ideally be a balance between family/friends contact and helping onesself. Life is at least in part what YOU make it, not what you expect others to make for you.

ETA - "Bad enough knowing that your family didn't want to take you in" - you do grasp the concept that in many instances, people are in nursing homes because they require care (both in skill and in hours) that cannot be provided in a home? That not every family has a room where an extra person could live? Sheesh.

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Sheesh is right. Yes, you have to justify and live with your decision to put your mom in a home. I've heard it all-' I have to work, the bathroom is on the second floor, Mom will have people her own age to talk to'. Like I said; I hope your family decides not to confine you to such a 'life', but if they do- I"m sure you'll adapt.

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Too bizarre. Such rage and unspoken resentments (not to mention fear).  Well, your family is certainly going to have an interesting time when it's your turn. And just because you're sure it will never be your lot doesn't mean it won't be. Especially if you're as charming and judgmental towards your family as you are to everyone else.  SMH. Not worth further discussion.

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I had to make the very difficult decision with my husband to admit my mil to a nursing home because we could not care for her.  It isn't easy, it carries guilt but often it is the best decision.  She had dementia with paranoia and called the police that a stranger was in her house; it was her aide.  We couldn't maintain her nutritional level.  We both worked and I attended school at night....no involvement from her other son.....well, we found the best place and hired aides 24/7....she was happier than she had been in a long time; she had activities, gained weight and lived there 5 years....no one wants this outcome but sometimes, it is necessary and should carry no guilt....

[Moonchilde]

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@Stray wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Lacey1 wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

---

@Lacey1 wrote:

---

@Moonchilde wrote:

I have read this entire thread, including what the OP has come back and added. From what she has said, this woman is a neighbor she is/was friendly with *as a neighbor*, not a good BFF/personal friend.

She has tried to continue to be that good neighbor. But as often happens, now that her neighbor is in a nursing home and isolated from her former life, she is grasping at anyone who maintains contact with her, for more contact.

Whether it is friends or family, although time weighs heavy on the resident, those who would visit, like family, have their own busy lives and will never be able to visit enough to satisfy the lonely resident, even if they visit regularly.

My mother was in a nursing home the last 2-1/2 years of her life. She was called about every 2 days and visited by family & friends at least once a week, sometimes more.  As nursing homes go, hers did the very best they could to cheer residents and provide things to do and mental stimulation - but the resident has to accept where they are, make friends where they are, and slip into the "community" life around them.

It sounds as if the OP's friend, being a relatively new resident, has not yet started this process. She will have to, at some point. Thinking her "outside" friends and family will be around her, and be in contact with her, just as much as before, is not realistic. And I don't know that random strangers popping in to visit would cheer me or not; everyone is different.

Wow. The 'Process'? 'Accept?' Slip into the community? I sure hope you never find yourself living in a nursing home, waiting for the phone to ring, or a weekly visit. Trust me, it's bad enough knowing that none of your family wanted to take you in, but to have to get used to infrequent visits-that's just brutal.

---

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Um...sorry, but Retort Fail (and I'll just throw in a "wow" for good measure). The part of my post which you highlighted states that my mother was called almost *daily* and visited 1-2 times a week. If you think that's some sort of neglect, you live in a fantasy world.  "Infrequent visits." "Brutal."  LOL.

Family members and friends, however much they love someone, have jobs, their own families, and obligations. When a family member goes into a nursing home, they do not suddenly become the primary, full-time responsibility of everyone in their life above all else to insure they are in contact every waking moment.

My point, which you clearly missed, is that once in a nursing home one needs to try and make new friends and become involved in the activities instead of expecting the world to come to you. Life should ideally be a balance between family/friends contact and helping onesself. Life is at least in part what YOU make it, not what you expect others to make for you.

ETA - "Bad enough knowing that your family didn't want to take you in" - you do grasp the concept that in many instances, people are in nursing homes because they require care (both in skill and in hours) that cannot be provided in a home? That not every family has a room where an extra person could live? Sheesh.

---

Sheesh is right. Yes, you have to justify and live with your decision to put your mom in a home. I've heard it all-' I have to work, the bathroom is on the second floor, Mom will have people her own age to talk to'. Like I said; I hope your family decides not to confine you to such a 'life', but if they do- I"m sure you'll adapt.

---

Too bizarre. Such rage and unspoken resentments (not to mention fear).  Well, your family is certainly going to have an interesting time when it's your turn. And just because you're sure it will never be your lot doesn't mean it won't be. Especially if you're as charming and judgmental towards your family as you are to everyone else.  SMH. Not worth further discussion.

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I had to make the very difficult decision with my husband to admit my mil to a nursing home because we could not care for her.  It isn't easy, it carries guilt but often it is the best decision.  She had dementia with paranoia and called the police that a stranger was in her house; it was her aide.  We couldn't maintain her nutritional level.  We both worked and I attended school at night....no involvement from her other son.....well, we found the best place and hired aides 24/7....she was happier than she had been in a long time; she had activities, gained weight and lived there 5 years....no one wants this outcome but sometimes, it is necessary and should carry no guilt....

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I agree and I totally get it. But some people never will. Martyr complexes are attractive, apparently.

[Noel7]

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@Stray wrote:

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I had to make the very difficult decision with my husband to admit my mil to a nursing home because we could not care for her.  It isn't easy, it carries guilt but often it is the best decision.  She had dementia with paranoia and called the police that a stranger was in her house; it was her aide.  We couldn't maintain her nutritional level.  We both worked and I attended school at night....no involvement from her other son.....well, we found the best place and hired aides 24/7....she was happier than she had been in a long time; she had activities, gained weight and lived there 5 years....no one wants this outcome but sometimes, it is necessary and should carry no guilt....

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One of my most beloved friends, much older than I and like a brother, is now in a nursing home because of Alzheimer's.  His daughter works, has her own business, and was doing it all until recently.

She found a wonderful home for him.  We talk on the phone, I write, and she sends photos to me. I dearly love him and his daughter, who I helped raise.  I am heartened by the photos where he is always laughing, and enjoying the homemade food the caretaker makes for her patients.  They have visiting doctors and nurses.  I guess he's lucky that his girl found such a wonderful place and where he has new friends.  He is safe there.

[jubilant]

 .  Some of the most loving and caring family members I know agonize over this decision. They deeply love their family members. No doubt about it.

 Some of their loved ones actually overcome their depression, take their meds on a regular basis, are in less pain, make friends again, etc. when put in a nursing home.  They actually thrive again.  

  I find it most unkind to judge other people for doing this....especially here...where many of us have taken care of grandparents, parents, in-laws, husbands, and are now facing our own health problems.  So many things to be factored into a situation.  Much understanding is needed. 

[cotton4me]

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@jubilant wrote:

 .  Some of the most loving and caring family members I know agonize over this decision. They deeply love their family members. No doubt about it.

 Some of their loved ones actually overcome their depression, take their meds on a regular basis, are in less pain, make friends again, etc. when put in a nursing home.  They actually thrive again.  

  I find it most unkind to judge other people for doing this....especially here...where many of us have taken care of grandparents, parents, in-laws, husbands, and are now facing our own health problems.  So many things to be factored into a situation.  Much understanding is needed. 

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@jubilant

This happened with my aunt’s husband. He fought going into a nursing home but my aunt wasn’t physically able to care for him.  When he finally went he received proper care, made new friends (playing cards together), was happier and actually flourished.