Among Friends

[kahootz]

I don't blame you for not wanting to go into the care center to visit.  There is also a risk that you could get MRSA or a staff infection.  It's very common in hospitals and care facilities.  I think you just need to explain why you don't want to visit in person, but you will keep in contact via email and phone.  I think that's pretty nice of you actually.

[hckynutjohn]

Regardless of what circumstances exist or the complexity of an issue. Foe me the best is, and always has been:  "Tell it like it is" !  I see telling the truth "will set you free".

Yes, I have been in some tough and sad situations, but I never felt "beating around the b^^h" would solve any problems.

My best to both you and your neighbor.

hckynut(john)

[Fona]

Hot Street:  I really understand how you feel and I truly sympathize because I once went through a somewhat similar situation.  A number of years ago I befriended a very nice lady living in the next building. She was a widow and had no kids.  We used to take the same bus in the mornings and she eventually suggested we go to lunch or a movie sometimes at a weekend.  I was fairly new to the city and in the process of making new friends, so I agreed.  Unfortunately, as the months went by, she became more clingy and kept telling me how alone she was.  I then learned that she had very little money and I felt sorry for her and, since I had a good job, I found myself paying for her movie or lunch every time.  Then the slightly abusive manner started - as in "Well, I would like to do..." [whatever - usually go to a pricy show] and if I wasn't interested she would add "but, OF COURSE, YOU wouldn't, would you...?" and I realized she was expecting me to do whatever she was suggesting and PAY.  Suddenly I woke up and realized how trapped I was feeling because I didn't want to hurt her feelings (which shows how sucked in I was).  However, one day after another of her remarks, something snapped in me and I told her straight out that I had no wish to continue the friendship and walked away.  I had no regrets and the relief was enormous.  A few months later I learned that she had developed dementia and was no longer living in the next building.  Hot Street:  I realize this is very longwinded but I am just trying to say these situations can drag on and you are the one who is suffering.  My advice would be to take the plunge, pick up the phone (or e-mail) and explain how you feel and get it over with, and hopefully this will allow you to feel peace of mind.  You really need to look after yourself first.  My very best wishes to you.

[Keeper of the koi]

YOu are in no way responsable for this woman. She is being cared for and in a safe place I would start with talking to her son. I would let him know I cannot do anymore and need  my own life. It might sound cruel at first but  you cannot allow yourself to be drug down like that. Then I would send her a note saying I am glad we had time  but you have obligations and that her children should be her priority.sometimes it seems some elderly think we all owe them something while not  offering anything. I would also speak to the staff and let them know you do not want to be her contact, you are only an  aquaintence. You need to set your self free from this family before they make you physically ill. Good luck,Maryanne

[Desertdi]

Some people use "guilt" to try and "lure you in".......like:   You're so much healthier...........Your husband left you money............you can afford a car.    And on and on it goes.    

One of my neighbors asked if I could give her a ride to an appointment.    I assumed it was  "local"............turned out to be many miles away in a congested downtown business district..........    It was a two-hour "trip".    Never again. 

[goldensrbest]

This lady thinks of you as her family, if you do not think of her that way,you need to tell her nicely.But remember  she is i a place ,that  can be not so nice, too many people just do not care about their famlies and neighbors.

[151949]

Why don't you just tell her the truth?

[qualitygal]

@Black Cat Back, have you been honest with her. I know they have very few visitors, but you have to allow yourself this break when it's still so hard for you. It's ok to do that. All you can do, is all you can do. This is her family's responsibility. You've tended to yours, and it's great what you have done for her. But it is ok, to do for you too now. JMHO

[CrazyDaisy]

Guess I am confussed, do you just not want to visit with her or is it just the place she lives?  It does sound as if you are stringing her along with all the excuses, she is not asking you to take care of her just visit.

[Sooner]

I feel your pain and it is very hard to visit in nursing facilities.  However, it is a fact of life, and perhaps THAT is the fear you need to face for yourself.  Make peace with the fact that your father is gone, and maybe visiting and knowing that that is in the past and this is a normal part of life many many people deal with and go through will help you with those issues.

I have had four of my immediate family in nursing homes, and no, it is a terrible thing to go through and sometimes more so for the families almost.  But most of us have to deal with it.  And lots of people do not go see people because of that.  You are not alone there.

I hope you can heal your hurt--and send you many prayers and hugs.