UPDATE ON THE BIG TALK WITH MOM - Page 7

excpa · ‎09-12-2015

@Shanus And there it is. Not concern for mom. Just self. Not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with that, but at least be honest.

Try using that honesty to talk to her. "I want to spend time with... , doing ..., instead of coming here to bail you out." Let her know her choices and, when she picks one, accept it. Make sure she understands that now it is your turn to make a choice. and stick to it. (to all those who related stories of annoying sales people, imagine being hectored by a family member.)

TheMemphisVette · ‎02-01-2015

this thread has me in tears.

~~who/what is responsible for your joy? YOU!~~

Drythe · ‎07-09-2011

@Shanus

My field is geriatrics, that said, at some point (to put it clinically) one pretty much weighs Quality v/s Quantity. We all measure quality using different scales.

I understand that this hard, I know you want Mom to to have both, but if she is cognitively intact, it sounds as if she has made her choice. 😔

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras

tansy · ‎01-02-2011

@Shanus — If I understand her independent-living situation, she in a large building with small apartments and a dining room (sort of like a luxury hotel) for at least one meal. Are assisted-living apartments in the same community?

Usually these independent living facilities do not want or accept residents that are as frail as you describe your mother and are asked to move.

I would definitely not fuss over her diet since she’s eating, even if poorly.

LTT1 · ‎03-09-2010

@Shanus

When someone has dementia, you can’t speak with them honestly about your feelings and have it make sense to them; it just doesn’t.

Ever tried reasononing with a two year old?

~Have a Kind Heart, Fierce Mind, Brave Spirit~

Annabellethecat66 · ‎03-12-2010

@Shanus Thanks for the update. I'm 72 this year and will have to 'downsize' and should have done it before now. Just so daunting...where to start.

My point? We'll all be there one day...Anyway, I'll tell you what I've had to say to several people in many situations..."You can't 'save' the world".

Unfortunately, it sounds like the situation will read a head and there won't be much choice. It's too bad it will get to that but that's tuff talk (and a dose or realism).

Hopefully, she'll just get tired of fighting it and decide to make the move. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I will tell you what I tell my friends. You MUST take care of your health. You can't help anyone if you let this stress get the best of you. I know it's easier said than done and I really should take my own advice (easier to give).

Please take care and know we are all thinking of you and totally understand.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@excpa wrote:
@Shanus And there it is. Not concern for mom. Just self. Not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with that, but at least be honest.
Try using that honesty to talk to her. "I want to spend time with... , doing ..., instead of coming here to bail you out." Let her know her choices and, when she picks one, accept it. Make sure she understands that now it is your turn to make a choice. and stick to it. (to all those who related stories of annoying sales people, imagine being hectored by a family member.)

@excpa I'll answer too ok? Yes. It is selfish. Yes, you feel guilty. BUt at the same time, you ARE spending maybe the last years of your life and doing things that because of your health you shouldn't or can't be doing and you feel guilty about that too. And all in all it's all on you. What about your own family? Maybe a husband in poor health or you?

And yes I have seen lawyers and tried to make plans for her outliving me and then having nobody. And yes I do resent the fact that simply because of her doing what she wanted to do, to heck with how it affected anyone else and not coming to terms with the future, it has put me in a real pickle. I am human, yes, it makes me angry to think she could have and should have avoided this.

How come what I might need or be able to do was never important in the picture? How come it was assumed I'd just do all of it and make everything lovely and whatever even if I can't do it? There is nothing I was left to do but fail. So guilt? Much? Guilt about something that from the beginning is a problem you can't solve.

Sometimes our elders are asking things that are impossible and too much. So what do you wind up doing about that? I don't know. I wish I had an answer.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@Sooner wrote:
@stevieb wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@KingstonsMom wrote:
@Shanus

You need to tell your son that 'tough love is still love'.

You have HER best interests at heart re: her health, diet and hygiene, while he is more concerned with hurting her feelings.

How will he feel if the worst happens when she's alone?

At least you'll know that you tried your best.

(((HUGS))) to you!
@Shanus This is harsh, but you need to tell your son to grow up. And yes, let him take the brunt of it because you can't change anything and don't have the power to. SO sad. Been there done that. I feel for you and send prayers your way.
Disagree... This is not a grandson's responsibility, regardless of his age. Moreover, it seems like the effort to put him in charge is largely because he happens to be more local than the others... At some point, he'll have his parents and possibly his wife's parents care to help oversee. Meanwhile, as noted, he has a family of his own... I understand being weary of the responsibility, but I'm not sure it's one that can just be handed off to the next generation... It seems he's offered some level of support, but it's not the exact support being sought... Speaking for myself, any support I might gain in a similar situation would be appreciated, not denigrated...
On the other hand, he is making life more difficult for his mom, so let HIM do it for awhile and see what he thinks. Nobody wants to do this. What happens when you just can't do it any more? We are the sandwich generation.

Edited to add: Some of us are 70 years old or close to it. We and our husbands and wives have many health issues ourselves. Trying to take care of mom or dad who are putting themselves in danger and insisting on living alone or at home is simply killing some of us. The fear, the worry, the travel, the inability to solve their problems, and on and on.

Elderly worrying about elderly people who won't bend, won't compromise, are in need and so on. It's not about able bodied people helping older people who won't help themselves at times. I don't think a lot of people really understand the dynamics of this situation.

You're thinking someone in their late 50's or early 60's, healthy, financially sound, living near mom or pop with relatives and siblings nearby to ease the burden. For many of us that is far from the situation.

And on the other hand... if he's making life more difficult for him mom then maybe he can be invited to stand down... but not be expected to manage the situation as she wants him to but about which he doesn't agree...

I understand the pitfalls of aging children being expected to care for aging parents and understand there is no easy solution but again, were it me, I'd take the support where I could get it... Becoming angry and indignant with the son isn't going to solve the problem nor is placing expectations on him that he can't or won't live up to...

As for your past paragraph, no, I'm not thinking anything... I'm not at all clear how that assumption was made. The OP was quite clear in regard to her situation, the distance involved both for her and her son and the not so proxmiate location of her mother and seemingly other family as well...

Again, there's no good answer in these sitautions, but risking driving the family further apart over it wouldn't be my choice... At the end of the day, it sounds like grandma is running the show and it could just be that it's time for everybody to call her bluff...

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

Sadiesadie · ‎08-05-2011

Oh @KingstonsMom; I'm so sorry. That is exactly what I wanted to avoid. After we moved her out one of her neighbors told me he found her wandering outside and couldn’t find her way home. She was just feet from her door.

Surprised me because she was having so much trouble with a weak knee she was always afraid she'd fall. Goes to show you can't assume anything. She did have dementia.

I volunteer at a Mobile Meals office and it saddens me to talk to people who have no business living on their own but when you talk to the family they don't want he/she to get upset so they leave them on their own and alone.

We each have to figure it out.

Our girls know how their grandmother was handled and why and what decisions were made and why so hopefully they won't hesitate when our time comes.