UPDATE ON THE BIG TALK WITH MOM - Page 6

Tadaki · ‎03-10-2010

@halfpint1 wrote:
You all got me thinking of my mom. She lived in LA and I as in a suburb. We were never that close to really talk. She moved a few times on her own. Don't know if it was how she acted. I had to put her in a home. I had a call she was wandering around. Don't know her real feelings for she just laid in bed un less the aides moved her to the lunch area. She lived to her nineties a long time. I can't remember her age or how long she was there. I wou ld see her on Sundays.
Now I will be 81 in November. I have a son 59 who lives close by unmarried and no children who lives close by. Does things and takes me places but we still argue. I'm ok so far and try to walk every day. I might not eat good-frozen etc. instead of cooking. My Husband left me with enough money but I will stay here. The nursing homes will take it all for my mom costs alot unless the state pays. It will also be just as lonely there for no friends here. Just a little who went through it and hopes not to. At least the poor will have all my clothes.--Ha Ha.

You sound like you're doing well at home. However, you might want to look at some places so that if you do need assisted living (different from a nursing home), you have made the choice of where you want to live. If you own a home and get SS, you may well be able to afford a place you would like.

Zhills · ‎11-15-2011

Most people are not grateful when they feel "they don't have a choice" even if it is a storm that is doing the "forcing."

The fear of her falling is probably more real to her than it is to you. I live alone and that is my biggest fear!

You can't possibly imagine how articles like this one, "Dealing with elderly parents" effects the elderly parent. I will be there only too soon. Knowing that these posts reflect how my kids feel is terrifying, to say the least! Not that you are wrong, just fact!

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@Sooner wrote:
@KingstonsMom wrote:
@Shanus

You need to tell your son that 'tough love is still love'.

You have HER best interests at heart re: her health, diet and hygiene, while he is more concerned with hurting her feelings.

How will he feel if the worst happens when she's alone?

At least you'll know that you tried your best.

(((HUGS))) to you!
@Shanus This is harsh, but you need to tell your son to grow up. And yes, let him take the brunt of it because you can't change anything and don't have the power to. SO sad. Been there done that. I feel for you and send prayers your way.

Disagree... This is not a grandson's responsibility, regardless of his age. Moreover, it seems like the effort to put him in charge is largely because he happens to be more local than the others... At some point, he'll have his parents and possibly his wife's parents care to help oversee. Meanwhile, as noted, he has a family of his own... I understand being weary of the responsibility, but I'm not sure it's one that can just be handed off to the next generation... It seems he's offered some level of support, but it's not the exact support being sought... Speaking for myself, any support I might gain in a similar situation would be appreciated, not denigrated...

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

Junebug54 · ‎03-09-2010

@stevieb I agree also and was just signing on to see if I had missed the reason why the grandson is so involved. Seems he has his hands full with his own career and family.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@stevieb wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@KingstonsMom wrote:
@Shanus

You need to tell your son that 'tough love is still love'.

You have HER best interests at heart re: her health, diet and hygiene, while he is more concerned with hurting her feelings.

How will he feel if the worst happens when she's alone?

At least you'll know that you tried your best.

(((HUGS))) to you!
@Shanus This is harsh, but you need to tell your son to grow up. And yes, let him take the brunt of it because you can't change anything and don't have the power to. SO sad. Been there done that. I feel for you and send prayers your way.
Disagree... This is not a grandson's responsibility, regardless of his age. Moreover, it seems like the effort to put him in charge is largely because he happens to be more local than the others... At some point, he'll have his parents and possibly his wife's parents care to help oversee. Meanwhile, as noted, he has a family of his own... I understand being weary of the responsibility, but I'm not sure it's one that can just be handed off to the next generation... It seems he's offered some level of support, but it's not the exact support being sought... Speaking for myself, any support I might gain in a similar situation would be appreciated, not denigrated...

On the other hand, he is making life more difficult for his mom, so let HIM do it for awhile and see what he thinks. Nobody wants to do this. What happens when you just can't do it any more? We are the sandwich generation.

Edited to add: Some of us are 70 years old or close to it. We and our husbands and wives have many health issues ourselves. Trying to take care of mom or dad who are putting themselves in danger and insisting on living alone or at home is simply killing some of us. The fear, the worry, the travel, the inability to solve their problems, and on and on.

Elderly worrying about elderly people who won't bend, won't compromise, are in need and so on. It's not about able bodied people helping older people who won't help themselves at times. I don't think a lot of people really understand the dynamics of this situation.

You're thinking someone in their late 50's or early 60's, healthy, financially sound, living near mom or pop with relatives and siblings nearby to ease the burden. For many of us that is far from the situation.

excpa · ‎09-12-2015

Aretha said it best. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It's missing in these posts. The one who cames closest at least acknowledged that it was possible that the old person was happier without all the concern/interference/control-freaks influence.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@Junebug54 wrote:
@stevieb I agree also and was just signing on to see if I had missed the reason why the grandson is so involved. Seems he has his hands full with his own career and family.

@Junebug54 To answer these questions, since my son has not had to deal w/ the stress and frustration, he can be more objective and wants to be involved now that’s he’s moved closer. I think he’s getting a taste of my anguish when she demanded that we all come to her for Labor Day for lunch. He had made plans and we try not to travel on holiday weekends...traffic, etc. She wouldn’t take no for an answer calling us both and leaving harsh messages about how she’s alone and we all have each other. Hence, the plan was hatched to give her a choice to move here.

AuntG · ‎03-09-2010

How disheartening. I'll never understand why they want to live independently when it is clear they are no longer able. Thank you for the update. I share your concerns.

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

My parents passed quickly and did not present any of the problems you are having, but my MIL and FIL were a different story. Before they were sick and still traveled, they would disappear for weeks without telling anyone where they were going. My FIL got sick first and when the notion of a nursing home came up, even for a short time, he told us he would walk out in front of a truck first. FIL died shortly after surgery while he was in rehab.. MIL lived alone for 15 years after FIL passed and when she got sick was very secretive and then started falling, broke a hip. Everything went down hill after that, lost 30lbs., dementia?, would not go to nursing home to recuperate and would not have anyone except her grandson assist her.The house was a mess, she was a mess and still in denial and was looking forward to driving her Cadillac again. Many hospitalizations before the doctor told her grandson not bring her back because there was nothing they could do for her. She died at home, no doubt starved to death. Her lawyer told us there was nothing we could do to force her to do anything, as long as she could speak for herself. Good Luck.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@Sooner wrote:
@stevieb wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@KingstonsMom wrote:
@Shanus

You need to tell your son that 'tough love is still love'.

You have HER best interests at heart re: her health, diet and hygiene, while he is more concerned with hurting her feelings.

How will he feel if the worst happens when she's alone?

At least you'll know that you tried your best.

(((HUGS))) to you!
@Shanus This is harsh, but you need to tell your son to grow up. And yes, let him take the brunt of it because you can't change anything and don't have the power to. SO sad. Been there done that. I feel for you and send prayers your way.
Disagree... This is not a grandson's responsibility, regardless of his age. Moreover, it seems like the effort to put him in charge is largely because he happens to be more local than the others... At some point, he'll have his parents and possibly his wife's parents care to help oversee. Meanwhile, as noted, he has a family of his own... I understand being weary of the responsibility, but I'm not sure it's one that can just be handed off to the next generation... It seems he's offered some level of support, but it's not the exact support being sought... Speaking for myself, any support I might gain in a similar situation would be appreciated, not denigrated...
On the other hand, he is making life more difficult for his mom, so let HIM do it for awhile and see what he thinks. Nobody wants to do this. What happens when you just can't do it any more? We are the sandwich generation.

Edited to add: Some of us are 70 years old or close to it. We and our husbands and wives have many health issues ourselves. Trying to take care of mom or dad who are putting themselves in danger and insisting on living alone or at home is simply killing some of us. The fear, the worry, the travel, the inability to solve their problems, and on and on.

Elderly worrying about elderly people who won't bend, won't compromise, are in need and so on. It's not about able bodied people helping older people who won't help themselves at times. I don't think a lot of people really understand the dynamics of this situation.

You're thinking someone in their late 50's or early 60's, healthy, financially sound, living near mom or pop with relatives and siblings nearby to ease the burden. For many of us that is far from the situation.

@Sooner OMG. You hit on it exactly!!! I’m 70 & dh is 74....healthy and financially able to care for if no insurance, but she does have her long term care. It’s so difficult for us to relax & enjoy our last 15-20 yrs. w/ all this BS that could be avoided if Mom cared about our needs instead of just her own. I’d like to spend more time w/ my gd before they’re so grownup & off to school. I’d enjoy traveling while still physically able. By the time all this can be worked out, what years do I have left w/ my dh and children? That’s why I asked for his help and signed papers in advance stating our wishes not to be burden to my kids and go willingly where they felt we needed to be. At this rate, my Mom could out live me!!!